Unpaid Care Work : Are Women Getting A Raw Deal?

If you spend time cleaning, cooking, washing, and taking care of your family, do you deserve recognition? Why women believe their role as care-givers is pre-destined, and why this must stop.

I vividly remember an uncle of mine telling me how his wife does nothing, while he brings the bread to the house. He was implying that the daily chores had no value to add to his smooth-functioning existence. And this was a young, educated man, raised in a city.

A typical scenario in an Indian home includes at least one female member of the house doing the daily chores, breaking her back, and still being called a Housewife (which is considered equivalent to having no job). This scenario, is much worse in rural areas where the number of family members to take care of, and the number of household tasks multiply immensely.

The situation of rural women who are unable to open their mouths cannot be imagined. On one of the field trips to Bihar (one of the most backward states in India), I came across a family of 8 members with one woman in the productive, young age group taking care of all of the rest. Her daily chores included taking care of her 5 children, husband, his parents, and the animals of the house. With poverty on one hand, and her cooking, washing, bathing, care-taking cycle on the other, she was made to believe that this is the reason why she exists.

To me, this extreme burden with no appreciation or accountability on the part of society sounded brutal. Not only did it violate her body but  it had also created mental stress in her, giving rise to multiple health problems (without a care-giver for herself!). Worse still, she was  beaten up quite often by her husband. Needless to say, her productivity is challenged every day, like that of many other women. With little food to eat, little energy to carry out these chores, the children ended up being neglected many a time, leading to poorly developed adults later on.

To me, this extreme burden with no appreciation or accountability on the part of society sounded brutal.

What happens to the benefits the Government provides them with, like free food and health care,  or adult education ? She pointed out, “When I am at home, I am always busy doing different tasks. When do you expect me to go outside to the health care center to get myself examined? That is only done when the situation is out of hands. This is my role as a woman. I have to be the nurturer of the house and so, at the end, I don’t find time to think of myself.” One woman and multiple children often lead to ignorance with respect to education, health & sanitation, and even building civic values. Thereby, she might just bring up her daughter in the same way, with the same values: this is my fate!

It’s a vicious circle.

This is a common sight. For women like her don’t know what to do except take it as their fate. It is even more painful when nobody acknowledges the care activities, let alone provide them with right kind of resources to function smoothly. The rights of caregivers are symbiotically intertwined with rights of care receivers. For me, I think the Government providing funds and resources is one aspect but simply providing access of care givers (who are mostly women) to resources should not be an indicator of  their use of these resources too.

“This is my role as a woman. I have to be the nurturer of the house and so, at the end, I don’t find time to think of myself.”

What is required is that the society starts a) accepting unpaid care work as a form of work, b) helping to provide a support structure for the woman who is doing the back-breaking tasks and c) converting access to usage of services. While it is easier said than done, I think what we truly require along with Government efforts is a Behaviour Change Campaign.

Right now, rural women (urban too, atleast in India) face two kinds of problems with respect to their daily care chores:

a) They don’t know that its not their prescribed job but a gendered role that was given ages ago and has been going on as a tradition, and;

b) the people around, the care receivers, don’t understand the concept of how if these starting points don’t exist, their own productivity is hampered. Acceptance and acknowledgement by their peers is a crucial aspect of defining empowerment with respect to unpaid care work.

I have thought of this many a times. In fact, I have been a party to many debates where I have been the only one arguing, making people understand how its not a biological role for women, but a choice that they make, for which they need to be valued. Behaviour Change Campaigns are very crucial.

And so, when I think of how to raise this issue as a major “Human Rights” issue in the country, here is what I think could help at the community level: Media Advocacy, Using Edutainment Strategy (Education through Entertainment) via soap operas, Talk shows, positive reinforcements through movies, re-scripting the way we see women in homes, are a few steps. We still have a lot of communities who enjoy access to folk music, folk dance, nautanki (local theatre) and so, using these to reach the unreachable local women in order to make them aware is crucial. The process has to be smooth in order to avoid rebellion from the community and so, I have seen that local community media is the best way of taking the message forward. In this the immense pool of ICT Tools: Internet, SMS technology etc can help create huge momentum with the help of  Opinion Leaders. At the local level, the opinion leaders like Panchayats (Local governance bodies) with Women heads can be a crucial starting point to take the message forward. Training of community workers to see this aspect and then take it forward can be very helpful.

Behaviour Change Campaigns are very crucial.

In my personal experience, soap operas with educational messages work, and storytelling and reinforcing positive examples  among the community is vital. If people around her start valuing her presence, the process of her participating in decision making, education of children, her own growth and development, health facilities etc will smoothen up.

Policy advocacy is important, but that has to come along with a change in tradition and age-old customs and defined roles of women as care givers. I have seen how policies in India remain as paper documents that don’t percolate down to the most crucial level of the country, the household.

My heart waits to see a house in a village in India where the man helps a woman in the kitchen, where the grandparents do more than just sitting and sipping hukka (tobacco) and where a woman goes to a doctor when she doesn’t feel well. That my dear friends, would be the starting point of change.

What is needed for you to take note of this? Just a question:

Are you valuing the unpaid care work around you?

This article was originally published at womens web by the author. 

Marriage & What Men Want

“The struggle exists, at every level”, said a friend to me.

And there began my quest to get into his shoes and understand what is going on in the man’s mind. Now, Lets be honest. Everyone thinks its hard to decipher a woman’s mind but I must tell you its no joke for a woman to understand what goes in a man’s head too. A lot of books have been written to understand the opposite gender (not sex) but to me this particular instance with a friend threw a lot of light on this aspect being never discussed.

Confused? Well. Lets reverse the story a little. I have a lot of friends who are getting into the “married” tag and during a discussion with one of my friend who is planning to get married too I realized that need for a daughter-in-law is often being challenged by the need for a wife. With the changing times (haha! Women stepping out for work), a man finds himself being questioned at every level just like a woman does. A lot of articles have talked about how the dual burden on women is taking a toll on them, on how women are out there taking the lead while handling homes too, on how women often are mistaken and how men need to be more supportive and help empower the gender and participate in creating a gender balanced society but I have nowhere read what issues a man faces at this point where on one hand he is trying to do what he has been told he was born for (support his parents) and on the same level have a wife who has an opinion., for whom her choices and points of view matter.

My recent stints with a lot of friends (males) who are planning to get married made me realize that they want a wife who has limited exposure. And while I question this very point of view, I recently realized that the problem is very much in upbringing. I mean, imagine this: a son is born in a family after two daughters and he has been pampered like he is some God. Since childhood he has been taught that he has to take care of the family and he is also given the best of education at the best of B-schools in India/abroad. While he gets a job, he meets this amazing colleague who is gorgeous, has a strong opinion and knows how to take the lead. He likes her, but what are the chances that he will marry her? The debate is not weather the girl will do household chores or not. The debate is that for him, getting a wife who knows her rights well into a house where girls are not even considered as humans brings him to a point where at every level he reconsiders his choices, his likes and his future.

And believe me, there are many men out there who question this every time they think about future. Its not that women who are homemakers aren’t being questioned, but those who are aware definitely need more energy to be molded. The debate is, does he want a girl who will be the ideal bahu or does he want an amazing wife. And while chances are that many women will end up being both, there is a strong chance that he fails in what he decides leading to an unhappy married life, a daily drama.

I write this article as a woman who is a strong supporter of gender balance. I have grown up from being a daughter to a rebel to feminist to a human rights activist. And, trust me, I know there is a thin line between adjustment and sacrifice in marriage, I very well know that the lines are often crossed by both the partners in order to make it work.

So, as a man, if I find myself at a point where I need to balance the beta and pati angles in my life, I know I will be as confused as any woman will be struggling to find her stand in the debate. And this, today has reached a point where the very sanctity of marriage is being questioned because nobody of the two partners seem to find their stand to it.

I give it to the Indian society again which has raised sons and daughters in a way where they have to obey their elders rather for standing up for what they feel is right, logically. I mean, I know truth is very situational and right is very personal but I don’t think that our culture or society has anyway succeeded in raising their children to be logical.  We do what our parents will like, our inlaws will appreciate and society wont consider as alien. And while we have our exceptions, a majority of us still dwindle with this ‘what to do’ wrt marriage.

Currently, a lot of my male friends are also married. And I know how they dwindle with the saas-bahu drama. I know that they married these enterprising young women because they wanted to and now the only debate is the imbalance in personal life, the son-husband sides are creating havoc in their lives. I also know a lot of men who are planning to get married and when they look at this situation, they are scared rather than prepared for the future they will have as choices vs duties situations pop out.

Do I have an advice? No. Do I have an ending to this thought of mine? No. Do I see a root problem? Yes. But can we solve it? Maybe. Stepping in a man’s shoes (haha! This time literally) I realized that there are a lot of struggles that even a man goes through that make him question his choices vs his duties. But at the end what is important? Happiness? Peace? Pick your choice, have a decision, you might fail but then atleast you will be satisfied that it was your decision. Finding happiness after all, which is a state of mind, isn’t that easy.

May God Bless all the men around!

This post was originally posted on Women's Web (the online women magazine) at http://www.womensweb.in/2013/10/what-men-want-from-marriage/

Under the Sheets: Hidden Realities & Hypocrisy of Indian Society

It really pains my heart to pen down why I consider the Present Indian Social situation is quite a bottom rock. The Media seems to be flooded with such interesting yet shameful cases that present a very shitty face of India to the world. On one hand while we brought out the Spiritual Baba & Sex Scandal out in open, on the other hand we saw the real pervert face of somebody who used to advocate the cause of women empowerment, the cause of right & wrong. On one hand we are taking about the judgment where parents were charged of killing their own daughter, on the other hand the Supreme Court comes out with a verdict where Homosexuality and Gay Sex is termed as Illegal. As a youth of this country, what does this reflect?

We have since ages been a country of hypocrites. While we are the land where the Kamasutra originated, we have ever since shunned the idea of taking about sex openly, terming it as a “Western” concept. We as Politicians are corrupt while point fingers at the other candidates, framing them in wrong cases just to gain power ourselves. We as Media professionals show the true colors of people while holding mirrors in front of their faces, talking about how the country is facing crime, power & politics overdose while on the other hand, we ourselves are involved in sexual harassment at work place (read Tehelka debate), corruption and power overdose (read Nira Radia- 3G case) and money mafia (Read Zee TV and JSPL Debate). We as society and traditional propagators talk about sanctity of women, preaching baba’s and swami’s bringing to us the do’s and don’ts of every gender while we use minor girls as sex objects, eat money from influential people to build lavish palaces as we show the world how gyani and sant we are. We as an economy talk about the rising jobs, employment rates, new enterprises coming up where we as a developing nation fail to fulfill the global agenda of Child & Maternal Mortality Rate, Female Foeticide, Violence Against women and even the basic issues of Nutrition & Hunger. What does this reflect?

As a young woman in Development Sector, to me this is a shameful reality I fail to answer every single time I look in the eyes of a woman from another nation questioning me why my land is great. This is the face of Indian Society where what we preach and what we teach vary. Where we talk about roots and age old cultural values but fail to deliver the Right, based on equality and justice. Where we blame the western media and over influence of Internet, porn and global world for the rising crimes against women but fail to reflect and see the fact that Violence has always existed in the society, unreported as it was its out in open now. Where we talk about change but fear it at the same time. What does this reflect?

Hidden under the sheets lie the realities of our roots and the fruits that we are bearing today. Can we talk about behavior change unless we change the very nature the system works? Who is accountable? As a youth who is clueless in a country like this isn’t going abroad a better option than trying to mend the rusted skeleton of the Indian Society? I can’t blame people for going out and abusing the country for being useless, but am I the youth who is ready to make that change? Are you the one who is ready to unveil the very reality of your own self? Time for change, but will it happen till we act like hypocrites?

Picture Courtesy: Self

"The Delhi Girl" Syndrome (Part 1)

Question: “Hey, where are you from?”

While I have been asked this question many a times at many places by a variety of people in a variety of manner, I am always quiet surprised by the kind of reaction my answer gets. There is something about Indians trying to know where the other person is from. And my answer to this question being “DELHI”, you should not be surprised, gets the most amazing and weirdest reactions.

The first time I experienced this in person was in 2009. Well, I had experienced it many a times before as well, but this was when I faced the reaction in person. Generally the situation in which this question had been popped on me was where my interaction with the person was only for a few minutes, typical places being airports, resorts, and railway stations etc. But in 2009 as I went on my first ever stay out of Delhi alone, I experienced and lived the tag of being a “Delhi Girl” for three whole months.

In the city of Patna when the people I was about to live my life with as a paying guest for next 3 months gave me a LOOK on my reply, I got the first shock of my life. I was 21 years old. And this being my first ever living outside Delhi (yes yes, I am born and brought up in Delhi) came as a shock to me. There was a sudden change in attitude towards me and everyone around was attempting to make me realize how much cooler they are. I was very confused. For start, I didn’t see any difference between me and them at all. Also, the confusion hailed from the fact that I failed to understand the logic of being from Delhi, and that too a “Delhi Girl” made me any different from the other team mate I had (except for the fact, she was from America, and a Korean by origin).

And there I was at 21 struggling with what difference does it make if I am from Delhi and here I am 26 writing this story from a small town in Himachal Pradesh still struggling with “Oh! You are a Delhi Girl” attitude. Nothing has changed in this regard while I have experienced the same reactions, even worse at various places. I am still confused and I still fail to understand what I should do about it.

Over the past 5 years, I have traveled. From Patna, to Singapore, to Ohio to Texas, Seattle, Orissa, Kolkata, Gujarat, Haryana, New York… cities and towns, villages and even smaller settlements. And my interactions with people in these places and their reactions to my being a “Delhi Girl” can be categorized in the following two kinds:

•        The Haters: I call the people in this category as the ones who look at Delhi with the eyes of envy. Typically educated and informed, they either want to be a part of Delhi or they simply cant understand why their cities cant be any cooler. I mean, I love Delhi, yes! But I think that does not negate the fact that every city has its own charm. But, coming back to these people. A lot of them are my friends by the way now. But they describe to me a very different version of how I see myself.  For them a girl from Delhi is a brat who not only over-shows how she is way cooler and knows everything but also has a sense of superiority, which lacks any knowledge. Basically, a girl who has no brains but thinks she has it all.  The situation is so worse at times that as soon as people hear me being from Delhi, they stop recognizing anything I do as authentic and having any substance. There is a sense of discomfort along with becoming blind and deaf to anything I do and being from Development sector, I find myself in worst situation. My personal experiences have made me hear things like these: “Oh, you are from Delhi, we should keep a distance”, “oh, Delhi..hmm..ok” “ohhhh, Delhi? Hahh” While gestures and actions speak louder then words, sometimes the words are strong enough to leave no stone unturned for me to get into an uncomfortable situation. 

•      The Lovers: These are those people who adore anybody who comes from Delhi. They welcome anyone with open arms after knowing they are from Delhi and always try to show how they are somewhere linked to Delhi. “Oh, my uncle’s aunt’s son’s daughter is living in Delhi (in reality: Gurgaon)”, “I have been to Delhi..(like some 8-10 years ago) etc.. and While they are surely adorable set of people, they also try to tell you how cooler they are. Sometimes, I have ended up getting marriage offers from this category people (they want someway get connected to Delhi).

I am personally, amused by both Lovers and Haters but it is the Haters who are more difficult to mold themselves and break the image they have of Delhi. They have developed a stereotype based on one or two girls from Delhi they have met in person (who, by the way are not even originally from Delhi but have studied in Delhi or something).. To be brutally honest, I have seen majority of girls around me also falling in this category and I realize that the image these people have build of girls from Delhi isn’t wrong totally. Stereotypes after all are built by experiences and they obviously have had their encounters with the typical Delhi girls (I hate that term, though, but still). Well, I struggle at times but the walls that are built around me based on my city make it difficult for me to function in my work life. It is a challenge I face every single time I am out of Delhi, in Orissa or even in Boston (I have an amazing Boston story to tell, but that for later).

I am breaking stereotypes and I like it. I am a Delhi girl but I am moldable, I am flexible in the kind of lifestyle I live and I owe my education and my upbringing at home for this. I also feel that a lot of girls from Delhi are like me but we are overshadowed by the ones who carry a good for nothing attitude. (I am not trying to demean anyone but this is the truth!!)

Success in changing attitude of people has been huge. I have made some great friends who have realized I am not even an inch of the image they carry in their heads and some of them love me for doing that. On the other hand, I thank them for opening my eyes to a whole new world of “how people see Delhi girls” and even “how I see Delhi girls”.. Yes, at times, they are dumb but in this era of movement and swiftness, we shouldn’t tag anyone based on the city they live in.

(Cheers to breaking stereotypes! I am in process of researching this whole issue and definitely, there are many angles to it.. Read later for more)