Unpaid Care Work : Are Women Getting A Raw Deal?

If you spend time cleaning, cooking, washing, and taking care of your family, do you deserve recognition? Why women believe their role as care-givers is pre-destined, and why this must stop.

I vividly remember an uncle of mine telling me how his wife does nothing, while he brings the bread to the house. He was implying that the daily chores had no value to add to his smooth-functioning existence. And this was a young, educated man, raised in a city.

A typical scenario in an Indian home includes at least one female member of the house doing the daily chores, breaking her back, and still being called a Housewife (which is considered equivalent to having no job). This scenario, is much worse in rural areas where the number of family members to take care of, and the number of household tasks multiply immensely.

The situation of rural women who are unable to open their mouths cannot be imagined. On one of the field trips to Bihar (one of the most backward states in India), I came across a family of 8 members with one woman in the productive, young age group taking care of all of the rest. Her daily chores included taking care of her 5 children, husband, his parents, and the animals of the house. With poverty on one hand, and her cooking, washing, bathing, care-taking cycle on the other, she was made to believe that this is the reason why she exists.

To me, this extreme burden with no appreciation or accountability on the part of society sounded brutal. Not only did it violate her body but  it had also created mental stress in her, giving rise to multiple health problems (without a care-giver for herself!). Worse still, she was  beaten up quite often by her husband. Needless to say, her productivity is challenged every day, like that of many other women. With little food to eat, little energy to carry out these chores, the children ended up being neglected many a time, leading to poorly developed adults later on.

To me, this extreme burden with no appreciation or accountability on the part of society sounded brutal.

What happens to the benefits the Government provides them with, like free food and health care,  or adult education ? She pointed out, “When I am at home, I am always busy doing different tasks. When do you expect me to go outside to the health care center to get myself examined? That is only done when the situation is out of hands. This is my role as a woman. I have to be the nurturer of the house and so, at the end, I don’t find time to think of myself.” One woman and multiple children often lead to ignorance with respect to education, health & sanitation, and even building civic values. Thereby, she might just bring up her daughter in the same way, with the same values: this is my fate!

It’s a vicious circle.

This is a common sight. For women like her don’t know what to do except take it as their fate. It is even more painful when nobody acknowledges the care activities, let alone provide them with right kind of resources to function smoothly. The rights of caregivers are symbiotically intertwined with rights of care receivers. For me, I think the Government providing funds and resources is one aspect but simply providing access of care givers (who are mostly women) to resources should not be an indicator of  their use of these resources too.

“This is my role as a woman. I have to be the nurturer of the house and so, at the end, I don’t find time to think of myself.”

What is required is that the society starts a) accepting unpaid care work as a form of work, b) helping to provide a support structure for the woman who is doing the back-breaking tasks and c) converting access to usage of services. While it is easier said than done, I think what we truly require along with Government efforts is a Behaviour Change Campaign.

Right now, rural women (urban too, atleast in India) face two kinds of problems with respect to their daily care chores:

a) They don’t know that its not their prescribed job but a gendered role that was given ages ago and has been going on as a tradition, and;

b) the people around, the care receivers, don’t understand the concept of how if these starting points don’t exist, their own productivity is hampered. Acceptance and acknowledgement by their peers is a crucial aspect of defining empowerment with respect to unpaid care work.

I have thought of this many a times. In fact, I have been a party to many debates where I have been the only one arguing, making people understand how its not a biological role for women, but a choice that they make, for which they need to be valued. Behaviour Change Campaigns are very crucial.

And so, when I think of how to raise this issue as a major “Human Rights” issue in the country, here is what I think could help at the community level: Media Advocacy, Using Edutainment Strategy (Education through Entertainment) via soap operas, Talk shows, positive reinforcements through movies, re-scripting the way we see women in homes, are a few steps. We still have a lot of communities who enjoy access to folk music, folk dance, nautanki (local theatre) and so, using these to reach the unreachable local women in order to make them aware is crucial. The process has to be smooth in order to avoid rebellion from the community and so, I have seen that local community media is the best way of taking the message forward. In this the immense pool of ICT Tools: Internet, SMS technology etc can help create huge momentum with the help of  Opinion Leaders. At the local level, the opinion leaders like Panchayats (Local governance bodies) with Women heads can be a crucial starting point to take the message forward. Training of community workers to see this aspect and then take it forward can be very helpful.

Behaviour Change Campaigns are very crucial.

In my personal experience, soap operas with educational messages work, and storytelling and reinforcing positive examples  among the community is vital. If people around her start valuing her presence, the process of her participating in decision making, education of children, her own growth and development, health facilities etc will smoothen up.

Policy advocacy is important, but that has to come along with a change in tradition and age-old customs and defined roles of women as care givers. I have seen how policies in India remain as paper documents that don’t percolate down to the most crucial level of the country, the household.

My heart waits to see a house in a village in India where the man helps a woman in the kitchen, where the grandparents do more than just sitting and sipping hukka (tobacco) and where a woman goes to a doctor when she doesn’t feel well. That my dear friends, would be the starting point of change.

What is needed for you to take note of this? Just a question:

Are you valuing the unpaid care work around you?

This article was originally published at womens web by the author. 

Women, Travel & Safety: A Personal Account

“Don’t travel after 6.”

“Take the Women’s Cell number, store it on your speed dial.”

“Put that app on your smartphone.“

“Don’t travel alone.”

“Inform us every time you get out of the hotel.”

“Where are you now?”

“Why didn’t you pick my call?”

—–

I am expressionless. Every single time I plan travel, for work, study or fun, these questions are thrown at me by my parents and other loved ones around. Earlier, as a young girl they used to annoy me; a few years later, I understood their anxiety and now, I am mostly in the ‘same answer for every question’ mode. As a single woman who loves traveling, who wants to witness more of her own country than she sees the world, these questions come as a mood spoiler. I understand their pain, I see the worry, I know I would react like this had I been in their shoes, but then somewhere I don’t get it.

There was this story recently about a married woman being raped by the staff in a high end resort in Kerala, where she was on a work trip. And then, only today I read about this tourist in Puducherry who was raped multiple times by some 12-15 men in groups of two after being kidnapped from a Christmas party she was attending with some friends. And then a story of a woman raped by police officers in a police station. There have been many stories, one every day, acting like a hair raiser for me.

I travel alone. Mostly. And when I do that, I see this worried look on my mothers face. I don’t blame her. Given the times in which we live, India especially doesn’t look safe for any woman. Be it me as a citizen, or any friend as a tourist, the questions that surround us while we travel in India (even abroad sometimes) are more to do with safety than anything else. I remember that day on the beach in Sri Lanka when a man looked at me with leering eyes trying to signal to me in broad day light. I also clearly remember every single person in villages in India telling me to not get out of my room or house after 6 pm/dark. I also remember how I was being followed by a group of men in Orissa. I remember that cold night in Madhya Pradesh and my hostel warden telling me to not open the door for anyone, anyone! I remember that dark night in Patna and a shared auto ride I took to my guesthouse that still gives me gooseflesh. I remember those auto drivers who try to act smart. I remember being mistaken for a foreigner in my own country, leered at even more.

These are memories I carry with me on every next trip I go on, especially alone. Harsh as they sound, they have made me stronger and somewhat more vigilant every next time. But every single time I look back, I realize how something serious might have happened, how I just escaped a major life changing moment, how I was lucky enough, how I live in a country where every day I read stories of girls being molested in their homes, of women being raped while on the move, of tourists being subjected to violence and all I see is every incident flash before my eyes where I survived.

Do I have any gyan to share? No. Was I just lucky? Maybe. But the truth is that safety has been a big question that remains unanswered for every woman who plans to travel in India. (I know I sound a little too much against my own country but having travelled to other countries, I know the difference in level of safety.) Situations and questions are not the same when I am in other countries. My parents are a little less scared, the deadlines for being home are a little more flexible and even if I miss a few calls from them, they don’t panic very easily. Their reaction, “Beta, India is India. We know it’s very unsafe here.”

Unsafe in my own home? Maybe that’s the irony we face. I meet women abroad who are smug at the thought to coming to India post the December 16th incident. I stand there with a straight face while my patriotic spirit and reality check tear my heart and mind out and I become numb instead of fighting to give an answer. I know the flaws India has with respect to travel and safety for women. I know I live in a country where if a woman is raped at 4 am, instead of questioning the rapist, all fingers are pointed towards the victim and her character with respect to her being out of home at 4 am. I know I live in a country where safety has nothing to do with being an Indian or a foreigner, with being single or married, with being out on work or leisure, with being on a secluded road or being in a ‘safe’ high-end resort. The safety net seems non-existent.

But what should be the takeaway from these short incidents I carry? Should I stop traveling? Should I let fear take over me and stop me from experiencing my own country? Should I, being a single woman, only travel with my husband after I get married? No. I won’t let anyone fall for that. I have learnt to live with the questions that are thrown at me and I hate to see the worry, but do I expect the system to change soon? No. The situation is getting worse everyday with one or other woman being raped.

Travel and safety are not an agenda for any political party anywhere. The Women’s Cell seems like a useless structure to rely on. What do we have now? Smartphone applications to rely on? What about those women who don’t have cellphones and those places where internet reception is still a question? Speed dials, run for life, learn martial arts, keep pepper spray… do we have anymore survival tricks? The focus remains on from the victim’s side to save herself and not on changing the criminal angle. The reality is that law has failed women every time.

Violence against women is a broad term and while I survive each time, I wonder every single time I am out, if this is it. I am not worried about myself as much as I feel worried for those many women who face these issues along with me. When will the situations change? When will we come out of a phase where traveling for women can be stress free?

Do I sound extreme? Maybe, but this is my personal account. Till then, all I can hear while I am out is “Beta, take care of yourself” while I try to shut out those flying kisses being thrown at me and those leering eyes that literally strip every woman they see. The question remains, is ignoring the only solution we have?

Pic credit: Moyan Brenn (Used under a Creative Commons license

This article was originally published at Womens Web: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/women-travel-safety-india/

And She Lived.. Happily Ever After

“In a land, far far away lived a princess with long silky hair and beautiful gleaming eyes, dreaming that one fine day the man of her dreams will come and woo her off her feet, sway.”

She recalled this line that was printed in her head since childhood, thanks to the numerous fairy tales she had slept hearing to as a child. As a girl who has learnt to do everything by herself, a line like that should not make much of a sense. Right?

From the fairy tales as she moved on to a not so fairy tale life, she realized how much she had been torturing herself by bearing the burden of these words. She was beaten, abused, verbally and physically. Yet she stood strong because she remembered the lines from the grandmother’s story she had heard as a little girl. “When a girl marries, she goes as a bride to the new house and comes out only when she dies.” Nothing made sense but her senses had ceased to function long back. Was it time for her to wipe these tales off her soul and listen to some new ones?

Looking at her one would often question how an educated, working young woman could be beaten black & blue, all her money taken away, and still love her husband so much? How was she bearing the torture, the horrendous crimes done upon her? Every time something inside her made her fight back, but the stories kept on coming back and logic kept on going away.

The charm of stories is that the moral and the ending are at times all we remember. She still had that torn out book from her childhood. She would often go back to it, re-read and pacify her soul, that this was a phase and would be over, and that a happily ever after would happen soon. How soon, was the biggest question?

Gleaming eyes turned into teary blue ones. Long silky hair became worn out ropes dragging her across the floor. The land far away was the land of living hell on earth. And her prince was not the prince, but the villain of the story. Could she have a happily ever after?

The story of her life originated from a story she had heard to live a happy life. But she soon became a story I tell for others to live happily ever after. We hear a lot of stories in our lives. We decide what we take out of them. For her, the fairy tale happy ending was all she wanted. She left the land hopeless and torn, may be to a land far far away.

For me, her story changed the way I looked at a fairy tale. Everyone’s life isn’t the same. And as I remember this story of hers, I have in mind hundred and thousand more to learn from. We tell ourselves stories in order to live, but sometimes we forget the whole purpose of life.

“The journey is more important than the ending.”

Things that don't make sense to me

Not much to say, still I will if I may
The mind is stuck, with words I play

The dry ketchup on the bottle makes me mad
Whom do i blame: sister, mom or dad

That window pane which is not clean
That woman in my family who is unnecessarily mean

Those little bobbins on my sweater
Those freckles on my face could be better

The little snoring noise around at night
Tiffs and irritations have their own fight

People telling me how imperfect is my life
Poking their nose, in real and my business, my strife

That freezing glass of water in weather so cold
What to be done, why am I told

My undone hair, I think I might like
But what i don't are people with funny spike

Why do people lie at drop of a hat
Should I slap them or their shoulders in pity should I pat

Blame me, cause I judge one and all
But I don't judge them for their struggles, pains and the rise & fall

Blame me, cause the nonsense around is making me little sad
All in the end I have is, this world Oh my dear is a lot mad

Should I hate or love, like or not,
I respect spaces, that is what (from life) I have been taught

Senseless, oh so numb I am turning
But still more to the world am craving and yearning

Of Palaces, Mythologies and Images Women carry

“Indian Mythologies and (nearly) all religions demean women. How can you out of all the women I know be religious”, said a male friend with whom I was debating about religion since past two hours. We sat at the Indian Restaurant in the most Global city in the world (New York) discussing our Indian roots and their impact on women. This was just after the December (2012) Delhi Rape incident had taken place. And we were just reacting like any other Indian sitting anywhere on the globe was.

And then, here I was in August 2013 sitting and watching episodes of Mahabharata (the popular Indian Mythology dramatized on TV again) thinking how women have been portrayed in popular TV, Magazines, Films, Advertisements and yes, books. This thought had taken me back to that and many more discussions of my life where I was debated with, agreed along by friends and acquaintances on portrayal of women everywhere around us. Suddenly, everything seemed wrong as I struggled with finding roots of the multiple problems women face in even today’s progressive times.

Being a Hindu (by birth) doesn’t define my opinion about religion at all. I question and have questioned my parents, elders and even pandits at every point I have found illogical to me. From why a girl cannot light her parents pyre to why is it that during Mensuration women are not allowed to enter the temple. Who defines all this? When I look back, this debate takes me to my Women Studies class on Manu Smriti (is the most important and earliest metrical work of the Dharmasastra textual tradition of Hinduism) who defined rules of action and laws of work for every person on the earth, shaped the way Women are to be looked at in society, their roles and rules of conduct thereby defined.

Lets take a few for example from the Manusmriti text:

-       “Swabhav ev narinam …..” – 2/213. It is the nature of women to seduce men in this world; for that reason the wise are never unguarded in the company of females.

My Question: How do we see it today? Women are taken as mere objects of seduction. They are portrayed as mere objects.

-       “Matra swastra ………..” – 2/215. Wise people should avoid sitting alone with one’s mother, daughter or sister. Since carnal desire is always strong, it can lead to temptation.

Thought: And yes, is that the reason why no man feels strong enough to control his desire in front of women and ends up raping them????

-        “Shudram shaynam……” – 3/17. A Brahman who marries a Shudra woman, degrades himself and his whole family, becomes morally degenerated , loses Brahman status and his children too attain status  of shudra.

Thought: I have always questioned caste system but this one is beyond my understanding. And till date, we accept that? (I know cities are changing but we know why Honor Killings are prevalent even in today’s India)

-       “Mrshyanti…………….” – 4/217. One should not accept meals from a woman who has extra marital relations; nor from a family exclusively dominated/managed by women or a family whose 10 days of impurity because of death have not passed.

Thought: And who defines this? Who is anybody to define the moral conduct of a woman and her interaction with others. If rules are rules, they should be for all: both men & women. (However, these don’t make any sense to me).

-       “Balye pitorvashay…….” – 5/151. Girls are supposed to be in the custody of their father when they are children, women must be under the custody of their husband when married and under the custody of her son as widows. In no circumstances is she allowed to assert herself independently.

Thought: And how does our world see the women who are independent? As characterless, as somebody who is breaking norms. Is she appreciated? No.

-       “Asheela  kamvrto………” – 5/157. Men may be lacking virtue, be sexual perverts, immoral and devoid of any good qualities, and yet women must constantly worship and serve their husbands.

Thought: Wow, and if you are still wondering how “Mera Pati Mera Bhagwan” dialogue comes from in all the movies, here is your answer.

-       “Ya to kanya…………….” – 8/369. In case a woman tears the membrane [hymen] of her Vagina, she shall instantly have her head shaved or two fingers cut off and made to ride on Donkey.

Thought: The classical virginity issue. Have we ever wondered who has implanted these thoughts in the minds of Indian men? Here is your answer.

The more I read about Indian women and roots of our problems this is where I land on. Our religions have defined how our society has looked upon the women of the land, their rules and regulations, their doings and undoings, their sanctity and survival in this world where “Men define the rules”. And while I write this, I am conscious enough that we have a category of men and women who don’t follow it, but lets agree on the fact that this category is very small in proportion to define the societal norms, especially in rural India. And as I write this, I also give another disclaimer to those who think its just Hinduism that degrades women. I have seen texts of origin in Muslims too. For me, the whole ideologies that these religions are based on are a slap to the very existence of women in the society. If your religion tells you, you need a son to light your pyre after death or you wont gain Moksha (salvation), why wont you kill female fetuses and infants in order to fulfill your desire for a son. When your religion tells you that a woman cannot enter the temple or kitchen premises during her “that time of the month”, why wont even women around her make her feel impure and unhealthy to touch pickles? Justified? Not to me.

Our religion has shaped our society and thinking of the beings. Of these beings have arrived the people who have made tele-serials, movies, advertisements and written stories and books. The scripting has happened in such a way that the end product is in front of us. We have written the fate of women in such a way that all we see around today is rape, domestic violence, female foeticides, work-space harassment, and many more severe and less severe crimes against women. I feel happy seeing a change around when a woman becomes the CEO, when a woman becomes a Police officer, when a woman steps out and does something beyond what is expected behavior for her. Change is happening, but change is slow with respect to rising inhuman acts against women.

In today’s time, we are in need of “re-scripting”. We need to redesign the way women are looked at, redefine the boxed norms she is expected to live her life with, reshape her future. The whole decades and hundreds of years old script prewritten for every woman needs a re-scripting, done by her, individually, as she wants. And in that process, revivals in the way stories are told needs to happen. We need more movies on liberated successful women, more novels depicting women as choice makers for themselves, more tele-serials where women move beyond dressing dolls and kitchen roles. I think it is for a woman to define what kind of role she wants: in kitchen, or at a desk instructing people. Choices being personal, nothing is demeaning, nothing should be forced.

Lets Re-script!

This (a shorter version of this post) was originally posted on Women's Web (the online magazine) at 
http://www.womensweb.in/2013/11/religions-on-women/

Marriage & What Men Want

“The struggle exists, at every level”, said a friend to me.

And there began my quest to get into his shoes and understand what is going on in the man’s mind. Now, Lets be honest. Everyone thinks its hard to decipher a woman’s mind but I must tell you its no joke for a woman to understand what goes in a man’s head too. A lot of books have been written to understand the opposite gender (not sex) but to me this particular instance with a friend threw a lot of light on this aspect being never discussed.

Confused? Well. Lets reverse the story a little. I have a lot of friends who are getting into the “married” tag and during a discussion with one of my friend who is planning to get married too I realized that need for a daughter-in-law is often being challenged by the need for a wife. With the changing times (haha! Women stepping out for work), a man finds himself being questioned at every level just like a woman does. A lot of articles have talked about how the dual burden on women is taking a toll on them, on how women are out there taking the lead while handling homes too, on how women often are mistaken and how men need to be more supportive and help empower the gender and participate in creating a gender balanced society but I have nowhere read what issues a man faces at this point where on one hand he is trying to do what he has been told he was born for (support his parents) and on the same level have a wife who has an opinion., for whom her choices and points of view matter.

My recent stints with a lot of friends (males) who are planning to get married made me realize that they want a wife who has limited exposure. And while I question this very point of view, I recently realized that the problem is very much in upbringing. I mean, imagine this: a son is born in a family after two daughters and he has been pampered like he is some God. Since childhood he has been taught that he has to take care of the family and he is also given the best of education at the best of B-schools in India/abroad. While he gets a job, he meets this amazing colleague who is gorgeous, has a strong opinion and knows how to take the lead. He likes her, but what are the chances that he will marry her? The debate is not weather the girl will do household chores or not. The debate is that for him, getting a wife who knows her rights well into a house where girls are not even considered as humans brings him to a point where at every level he reconsiders his choices, his likes and his future.

And believe me, there are many men out there who question this every time they think about future. Its not that women who are homemakers aren’t being questioned, but those who are aware definitely need more energy to be molded. The debate is, does he want a girl who will be the ideal bahu or does he want an amazing wife. And while chances are that many women will end up being both, there is a strong chance that he fails in what he decides leading to an unhappy married life, a daily drama.

I write this article as a woman who is a strong supporter of gender balance. I have grown up from being a daughter to a rebel to feminist to a human rights activist. And, trust me, I know there is a thin line between adjustment and sacrifice in marriage, I very well know that the lines are often crossed by both the partners in order to make it work.

So, as a man, if I find myself at a point where I need to balance the beta and pati angles in my life, I know I will be as confused as any woman will be struggling to find her stand in the debate. And this, today has reached a point where the very sanctity of marriage is being questioned because nobody of the two partners seem to find their stand to it.

I give it to the Indian society again which has raised sons and daughters in a way where they have to obey their elders rather for standing up for what they feel is right, logically. I mean, I know truth is very situational and right is very personal but I don’t think that our culture or society has anyway succeeded in raising their children to be logical.  We do what our parents will like, our inlaws will appreciate and society wont consider as alien. And while we have our exceptions, a majority of us still dwindle with this ‘what to do’ wrt marriage.

Currently, a lot of my male friends are also married. And I know how they dwindle with the saas-bahu drama. I know that they married these enterprising young women because they wanted to and now the only debate is the imbalance in personal life, the son-husband sides are creating havoc in their lives. I also know a lot of men who are planning to get married and when they look at this situation, they are scared rather than prepared for the future they will have as choices vs duties situations pop out.

Do I have an advice? No. Do I have an ending to this thought of mine? No. Do I see a root problem? Yes. But can we solve it? Maybe. Stepping in a man’s shoes (haha! This time literally) I realized that there are a lot of struggles that even a man goes through that make him question his choices vs his duties. But at the end what is important? Happiness? Peace? Pick your choice, have a decision, you might fail but then atleast you will be satisfied that it was your decision. Finding happiness after all, which is a state of mind, isn’t that easy.

May God Bless all the men around!

This post was originally posted on Women's Web (the online women magazine) at http://www.womensweb.in/2013/10/what-men-want-from-marriage/