Of Palaces, Mythologies and Images Women carry

“Indian Mythologies and (nearly) all religions demean women. How can you out of all the women I know be religious”, said a male friend with whom I was debating about religion since past two hours. We sat at the Indian Restaurant in the most Global city in the world (New York) discussing our Indian roots and their impact on women. This was just after the December (2012) Delhi Rape incident had taken place. And we were just reacting like any other Indian sitting anywhere on the globe was.

And then, here I was in August 2013 sitting and watching episodes of Mahabharata (the popular Indian Mythology dramatized on TV again) thinking how women have been portrayed in popular TV, Magazines, Films, Advertisements and yes, books. This thought had taken me back to that and many more discussions of my life where I was debated with, agreed along by friends and acquaintances on portrayal of women everywhere around us. Suddenly, everything seemed wrong as I struggled with finding roots of the multiple problems women face in even today’s progressive times.

Being a Hindu (by birth) doesn’t define my opinion about religion at all. I question and have questioned my parents, elders and even pandits at every point I have found illogical to me. From why a girl cannot light her parents pyre to why is it that during Mensuration women are not allowed to enter the temple. Who defines all this? When I look back, this debate takes me to my Women Studies class on Manu Smriti (is the most important and earliest metrical work of the Dharmasastra textual tradition of Hinduism) who defined rules of action and laws of work for every person on the earth, shaped the way Women are to be looked at in society, their roles and rules of conduct thereby defined.

Lets take a few for example from the Manusmriti text:

-       “Swabhav ev narinam …..” – 2/213. It is the nature of women to seduce men in this world; for that reason the wise are never unguarded in the company of females.

My Question: How do we see it today? Women are taken as mere objects of seduction. They are portrayed as mere objects.

-       “Matra swastra ………..” – 2/215. Wise people should avoid sitting alone with one’s mother, daughter or sister. Since carnal desire is always strong, it can lead to temptation.

Thought: And yes, is that the reason why no man feels strong enough to control his desire in front of women and ends up raping them????

-        “Shudram shaynam……” – 3/17. A Brahman who marries a Shudra woman, degrades himself and his whole family, becomes morally degenerated , loses Brahman status and his children too attain status  of shudra.

Thought: I have always questioned caste system but this one is beyond my understanding. And till date, we accept that? (I know cities are changing but we know why Honor Killings are prevalent even in today’s India)

-       “Mrshyanti…………….” – 4/217. One should not accept meals from a woman who has extra marital relations; nor from a family exclusively dominated/managed by women or a family whose 10 days of impurity because of death have not passed.

Thought: And who defines this? Who is anybody to define the moral conduct of a woman and her interaction with others. If rules are rules, they should be for all: both men & women. (However, these don’t make any sense to me).

-       “Balye pitorvashay…….” – 5/151. Girls are supposed to be in the custody of their father when they are children, women must be under the custody of their husband when married and under the custody of her son as widows. In no circumstances is she allowed to assert herself independently.

Thought: And how does our world see the women who are independent? As characterless, as somebody who is breaking norms. Is she appreciated? No.

-       “Asheela  kamvrto………” – 5/157. Men may be lacking virtue, be sexual perverts, immoral and devoid of any good qualities, and yet women must constantly worship and serve their husbands.

Thought: Wow, and if you are still wondering how “Mera Pati Mera Bhagwan” dialogue comes from in all the movies, here is your answer.

-       “Ya to kanya…………….” – 8/369. In case a woman tears the membrane [hymen] of her Vagina, she shall instantly have her head shaved or two fingers cut off and made to ride on Donkey.

Thought: The classical virginity issue. Have we ever wondered who has implanted these thoughts in the minds of Indian men? Here is your answer.

The more I read about Indian women and roots of our problems this is where I land on. Our religions have defined how our society has looked upon the women of the land, their rules and regulations, their doings and undoings, their sanctity and survival in this world where “Men define the rules”. And while I write this, I am conscious enough that we have a category of men and women who don’t follow it, but lets agree on the fact that this category is very small in proportion to define the societal norms, especially in rural India. And as I write this, I also give another disclaimer to those who think its just Hinduism that degrades women. I have seen texts of origin in Muslims too. For me, the whole ideologies that these religions are based on are a slap to the very existence of women in the society. If your religion tells you, you need a son to light your pyre after death or you wont gain Moksha (salvation), why wont you kill female fetuses and infants in order to fulfill your desire for a son. When your religion tells you that a woman cannot enter the temple or kitchen premises during her “that time of the month”, why wont even women around her make her feel impure and unhealthy to touch pickles? Justified? Not to me.

Our religion has shaped our society and thinking of the beings. Of these beings have arrived the people who have made tele-serials, movies, advertisements and written stories and books. The scripting has happened in such a way that the end product is in front of us. We have written the fate of women in such a way that all we see around today is rape, domestic violence, female foeticides, work-space harassment, and many more severe and less severe crimes against women. I feel happy seeing a change around when a woman becomes the CEO, when a woman becomes a Police officer, when a woman steps out and does something beyond what is expected behavior for her. Change is happening, but change is slow with respect to rising inhuman acts against women.

In today’s time, we are in need of “re-scripting”. We need to redesign the way women are looked at, redefine the boxed norms she is expected to live her life with, reshape her future. The whole decades and hundreds of years old script prewritten for every woman needs a re-scripting, done by her, individually, as she wants. And in that process, revivals in the way stories are told needs to happen. We need more movies on liberated successful women, more novels depicting women as choice makers for themselves, more tele-serials where women move beyond dressing dolls and kitchen roles. I think it is for a woman to define what kind of role she wants: in kitchen, or at a desk instructing people. Choices being personal, nothing is demeaning, nothing should be forced.

Lets Re-script!

This (a shorter version of this post) was originally posted on Women's Web (the online magazine) at 
http://www.womensweb.in/2013/11/religions-on-women/

Marriage & What Men Want

“The struggle exists, at every level”, said a friend to me.

And there began my quest to get into his shoes and understand what is going on in the man’s mind. Now, Lets be honest. Everyone thinks its hard to decipher a woman’s mind but I must tell you its no joke for a woman to understand what goes in a man’s head too. A lot of books have been written to understand the opposite gender (not sex) but to me this particular instance with a friend threw a lot of light on this aspect being never discussed.

Confused? Well. Lets reverse the story a little. I have a lot of friends who are getting into the “married” tag and during a discussion with one of my friend who is planning to get married too I realized that need for a daughter-in-law is often being challenged by the need for a wife. With the changing times (haha! Women stepping out for work), a man finds himself being questioned at every level just like a woman does. A lot of articles have talked about how the dual burden on women is taking a toll on them, on how women are out there taking the lead while handling homes too, on how women often are mistaken and how men need to be more supportive and help empower the gender and participate in creating a gender balanced society but I have nowhere read what issues a man faces at this point where on one hand he is trying to do what he has been told he was born for (support his parents) and on the same level have a wife who has an opinion., for whom her choices and points of view matter.

My recent stints with a lot of friends (males) who are planning to get married made me realize that they want a wife who has limited exposure. And while I question this very point of view, I recently realized that the problem is very much in upbringing. I mean, imagine this: a son is born in a family after two daughters and he has been pampered like he is some God. Since childhood he has been taught that he has to take care of the family and he is also given the best of education at the best of B-schools in India/abroad. While he gets a job, he meets this amazing colleague who is gorgeous, has a strong opinion and knows how to take the lead. He likes her, but what are the chances that he will marry her? The debate is not weather the girl will do household chores or not. The debate is that for him, getting a wife who knows her rights well into a house where girls are not even considered as humans brings him to a point where at every level he reconsiders his choices, his likes and his future.

And believe me, there are many men out there who question this every time they think about future. Its not that women who are homemakers aren’t being questioned, but those who are aware definitely need more energy to be molded. The debate is, does he want a girl who will be the ideal bahu or does he want an amazing wife. And while chances are that many women will end up being both, there is a strong chance that he fails in what he decides leading to an unhappy married life, a daily drama.

I write this article as a woman who is a strong supporter of gender balance. I have grown up from being a daughter to a rebel to feminist to a human rights activist. And, trust me, I know there is a thin line between adjustment and sacrifice in marriage, I very well know that the lines are often crossed by both the partners in order to make it work.

So, as a man, if I find myself at a point where I need to balance the beta and pati angles in my life, I know I will be as confused as any woman will be struggling to find her stand in the debate. And this, today has reached a point where the very sanctity of marriage is being questioned because nobody of the two partners seem to find their stand to it.

I give it to the Indian society again which has raised sons and daughters in a way where they have to obey their elders rather for standing up for what they feel is right, logically. I mean, I know truth is very situational and right is very personal but I don’t think that our culture or society has anyway succeeded in raising their children to be logical.  We do what our parents will like, our inlaws will appreciate and society wont consider as alien. And while we have our exceptions, a majority of us still dwindle with this ‘what to do’ wrt marriage.

Currently, a lot of my male friends are also married. And I know how they dwindle with the saas-bahu drama. I know that they married these enterprising young women because they wanted to and now the only debate is the imbalance in personal life, the son-husband sides are creating havoc in their lives. I also know a lot of men who are planning to get married and when they look at this situation, they are scared rather than prepared for the future they will have as choices vs duties situations pop out.

Do I have an advice? No. Do I have an ending to this thought of mine? No. Do I see a root problem? Yes. But can we solve it? Maybe. Stepping in a man’s shoes (haha! This time literally) I realized that there are a lot of struggles that even a man goes through that make him question his choices vs his duties. But at the end what is important? Happiness? Peace? Pick your choice, have a decision, you might fail but then atleast you will be satisfied that it was your decision. Finding happiness after all, which is a state of mind, isn’t that easy.

May God Bless all the men around!

This post was originally posted on Women's Web (the online women magazine) at http://www.womensweb.in/2013/10/what-men-want-from-marriage/

Why a SON always matters? Well, Almost always!

Picture this: A North Indian Delhi based Brahmin family, the eldest son of the 7 children and his three daughters. Does it ring a bell in your head? A typical Indian scenario since decades has been that the son needs to have a son to carry the family heritage, family name ahead and when a situation like this arises, you can imagine the plight of the woman who gave birth to these three girls, the plight of the eldest son who is constantly reminded of how terrible it is that he doesn’t have a son and how cursed he is to have three daughters.

This is a story of my life. I am the second daughter of the three in this situation. This is also a story of my parents, my dad the eldest son in the family of 7 children (4 brothers, 3 sisters). This is a story of my family, relatives around who constantly remind my parents how unhappy they are (which they never see). And, over and all this is a story of those hundreds of women and men I meet on streets, corners and villages in India who show me the pity face as they come to know that we are three sisters.

My dad, the eldest son of the house has always been the one who looked after the needs of the other children since childhood. He started a job pretty early because he was told that he has to be the help when his sisters marry, when his brothers need to establish themselves. Born in a family of a railway clerk and a housewife hailing from Haryana, settled in Delhi, my father stepped into the employment sector as soon as he graduated. He often tells me how he used to do petty tasks in small shops even when he was in school just to get petty cash for his expenses, afterall a railways job for my grandfather couldn’t feed 7 kids. I really respect my grandfather for making those 7 children stand on their feet and live a prosperous life today, but the whole ideology of having 7 kids without the resources to feed them sounds crazy to me. Anyhow, so yes, my dad got into a job, changed jobs often, got married and yes, started his own business. From a small pigeon hole rented place in a small lane in Delhi, the journey he has taken to reach to a industry and export market in scientific instruments has been inspiring. Well, we can discuss that story some other time. For right now, lets join the dots.

So yes, he gets married, has three daughters over a span of 9 years with one miscarriage (a boy) before the third daughter arrived. And now, its been 30 years since his marriage and 23 since the miscarriage but till date all my grandmother loathes about is the fact how the 7 month fetus wasn’t born in this world is a sign of how unfortunate my parents are. We are three sisters, raised with the best of everything. My friends often call me names: “the pampered one”, “the daughter of a millionaire (while we aren’t one really, but still)”, the “lucky one” etc. And though I hate it many times, I really love it when I look at majority of my immediate relatives who think that God wasn’t kind on my parents. We are a family of educated (atleast literate), working, prosperous individuals settled in Delhi since more than 60 years. And well, that is exactly why they look crazy to me when they talk sons and moksha linkages.

We as daughters never felt that we have an incomplete family. We have our shares of arguments and regular day to day fights but we respect our parents, our mother for bringing that change in our homes, for making girls matter. I have seen my father from rags to riches. From the day (as my mother describes) when I was about to be born and he didn’t had to money to take my mother to a doctor to the day today where I find myself sneezing and going to a doctor. We have been cared of, pampered but taught the ways of life to be dealt ourselves. I am (like my sisters) one who loves indulging in fashion and food and style as much as I enjoy working with women & children in the extreme situations in India, sitting down with them, understanding realities and helping build partnerships in development from the communities. For me, both give my life a high, strong enough that it can challenge the high anyone feels after having any drug.

So, well educated, best of facilities, freedom and yes, the courage to fight our own battles, we as daughters have never felt that we are being discriminated with respect to our gender. Well, of course being in India, our parents are constantly worried about our safety but the fact remains that when I look at girls in Indian villages and towns, and I look at myself, I find a gap which to me is filled as I look at my relatives and families around. So, yes, my grandparents don’t love us. They do show that they feel for us, but when it is to choose between me (loving caring and respecting granddaughter) and my uncle’s son (brat, careless and disrespecting grandson), you know who they pick. As a child, it used to break my heart but as I grew and realized how it has been and it will be, I started to understand how I wont let it be in the next generation. My parents, pioneered the change in our home and yes, I believe I will be the one (we sisters) carrying the torch ahead.

We all hear stories of gender discrimination starting with children (even before birth) in families, but the important thing is to not let them be jus stories, but make them path breaking reasons for change. My uncle tells my dad that he should not expand his business because he has no son. Well, I have always been a part of his business and we three have told him “the day you want to retire, let us know and we will take it from there”, but in our families, that doesn’t count. “You are a daughter, who goes to others house, who cant do this business”, my grandmother often comments. Of the many comments, this one has always been a fuel to my anger, but yes earlier it used to help me blast and now it helps me strengthen my enthusiasm to not let it happen ahead of me, when I have children.

My buas and chachas (paternal aunts and uncles), nana and nani (maternal grandparents) etc all are a party to this You Must Have a Son Disorder. My parents tell me how when my mom got her sterilization done after the third daughter was born (which was not for a son desire, but we can discuss that later), both my grandmothers (paternal and maternal) had not spoken to them for a long time. Eldest son and no male heir?? Are you insane? Was the reaction they got. Today, when they look at us, they tell us how happy they are because we are trying to tell the world a story of how girls are at par, how gender is not how one should be measured and how, they never cared and they never still do what the people say.

A typical reaction I always get from women in Indian villages is this: “oh my god, oho! You don’t have a brother? That’s really sad.” And yes, it amuses me to the core. I mean, just imagine me sitting with 20 women and discussing gender disparity and discrimination issues in a village in Haryana and the first question they ask me during rapport formation is this. I do take it as a starting point to my discussion but then, this is a story of every village every place I travel to in India. And yes, though I am strong enough to challenge the mindset, I feel helpless when I think of those thousands and thousands of girls who are the future flag bearers and who are being moulded in this mentality.

While I was on my journey abroad for many months, I remember the day I was about to travel. My grandparents had called me to tell me how they feel proud of me. They told me this: “You are like a son to the house”! hahh! Was my reaction as I chuckled and remarked, “Please don’t call me a son, I am a daughter and yes, I am proud of the fact that my parents respect it. I am a daughter, not a son”!

Our society suffers from chambering syndrome. The girl who explores, travels, gets best of education and is a flag bearer becomes a BOY like! We sisters, all in the same system often laugh our lungs out thinking of the times we face it in our homes, leave aside the world. My eldest sister has a baby girl and as she reinforces how she wont let gender impact her child, I often think of the hard times she will face but am hopeful that one day she will achieve what she wants.