Beauty, Botox and Breasts: Who Defines Perfection?

A few weeks ago I had come across a news report on a man who sued his ‘beautiful’ wife for producing a really ‘ugly’ daughter and came to know during court trials that his wife was all Botox beauty. Artificially enhanced that all her looks were, she had not informed the husband on any of the procedures she had undergone to become what she was. The statement that really struck me in the news report was how he called their daughter, ‘so ugly –hard to even look at’. And while the proceedings of the court took place, the reality was revealed and he won the case.

On the other hand, just few days ago I saw this video clip where it was shown how technology is being used since years to show women’s bodies as perfect (defined as one with no bulges, no stretch marks, no freckles). The video brought out how media and photography have shaped the images of women in my head, many of which are not even real i.e. software enhanced to suit the eye and made appealing. The reality is that these are what are termed as ‘acceptable’ now, with women and men craving for ‘size zero’ and ‘perfect model-like’ bodies, some even dying in the process of aiming to achieve this perfection.

These two very different but linked stories made me wonder on the concepts of ‘defining’ the words that surround our world; words like beauty, perfection, fair, flawless…so many definitions surround our world and while every day women crave to be called ‘beautiful’, I wonder what reason makes one crave for appreciation with respect to looks. The sudden explosion of beauty clinics (parlours too) makes me question the hidden emotion even more. It is not that I am not one of their customers but then where does one stop and label it as enough?

Let’s not even get started on concepts ofFairness and Flawlessness. Media, Marketing, Movies.. these three seem to have ruled the imaging process of women, in their own eyes (more than in the eyes of their male counterparts). Let’s start with Movies first. Be it any film industry anywhere in the world, the imaging process has been huge (and we talk with respect to looks here). Dark is not beautiful, fair is in. Those perfect bodies, perfect curves, sexy toned legs are more looked at by men, winning the hearts of the heros rather than the heavier ones with stretch marks or a scratch on her face. We all know how today female actresses a little on the heavy side are shunned by the industry, made fun of by the media. Vidya Balan and Sonakshi Sinha are breaking these stereotypes but Madhuri Dixit and Sridevi are looking at things like Botox for making their beauty last. Believe it or not, freckles are being frowned upon and those who can afford it are rushing to clinics to get themselves looking like timeless classics. Size C is more acceptable than a size A, don’t worry- get breast implants. On the hand while I say this, I know it’s a very personal choice but as we go back to the start of this article, it is nowhere bringing women closer to reality..

Media and Marketing go hand in hand. While we all look at those toned bodies endorsing male shaving products and get seduced by the fragrance of male deodorants, we wonder if this works in real life. While it has been creating a sexual image of women since ages, what I see is that for women it has the psychological effect of them disliking their reality and trying to achieve what is being depicted. Many waste a major chunk of their lives living these lies, trying to be what they are not. Using technological knives and tools to enhance pictures and then showcasing it as reality for the masses, makeup and technological makeup create an illusion that is way different from the truth. Being fit is important but becoming anorexic, injecting our bodies with chemicals just to look picture perfect is going a little overboard. As I said earlier, where do we stop?

Our media is funny. We talk about how a particular actress looks too bloated after pregnancy, how another one looks like she is on a no-food diet. The media creates images which look perfect. We forget that nobody can be the same and that bodies vary biologically, genetically and psychologically. Our matrimonial ads showcase this gruesome reality – how fair, slim and tall is all that is acceptable. Looks matter more than the person. And in our struggle to achieve those perfect images, the essence of life is somewhere lost.

I don’t know what is right for everyone. I know that drawing a line is very crucial. I know everybody cannot have a 36-24-36 figure and neither can everybody have the same face they had at 25 at the age of 40. In our struggles to achieve those, what is happening is that we are shaping coming generations with the values of ‘looks’ and not ‘depth’.

Botox, Beauty and Boobs are not synonymous. Valuing this statement is very important. We all know beauty is in the brain, and beauty is being natural, but do we really follow that? The anxiety of appealing physically to others and most importantly, the self, has made women insecure, unsure and too dependent on artificial enhancements. I know that these thoughts vary from one to another but for me, being comfortable in my own self, imperfect body, freckled face is what perfection is all about. Ageing is reality, and we need to cherish that. It is just how we see it. Isn’t it?

This article was originally published on Women's Web at: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/women-quest-for-perfection/

Confessions of a PhD Scholar

you sleep, quite a lot
you forget what all was taught

the dramatic emotions ever ready to pop
is this a masala film plot?

the papers fly in the air
you want to but you still don't care

the tea is cold, the fourth of the day
ideas are old, freshness seems to act a little fray

you need a chair, a blanket and your worn out notebook
scribble scribble, crossout and make new points to look

as if the drama wasn't enough, the outer agents seem to shout
you go numb, with empty eyes you look above and only pout

question the unquestioned, think the unthinkable and cry
oh you failed? don't worry, you will have to try retry and try

is this a dead end? or am i missing a major turn
till you get buttery masala script, all you do is churn churn churn!

Things that don't make sense to me

Not much to say, still I will if I may
The mind is stuck, with words I play

The dry ketchup on the bottle makes me mad
Whom do i blame: sister, mom or dad

That window pane which is not clean
That woman in my family who is unnecessarily mean

Those little bobbins on my sweater
Those freckles on my face could be better

The little snoring noise around at night
Tiffs and irritations have their own fight

People telling me how imperfect is my life
Poking their nose, in real and my business, my strife

That freezing glass of water in weather so cold
What to be done, why am I told

My undone hair, I think I might like
But what i don't are people with funny spike

Why do people lie at drop of a hat
Should I slap them or their shoulders in pity should I pat

Blame me, cause I judge one and all
But I don't judge them for their struggles, pains and the rise & fall

Blame me, cause the nonsense around is making me little sad
All in the end I have is, this world Oh my dear is a lot mad

Should I hate or love, like or not,
I respect spaces, that is what (from life) I have been taught

Senseless, oh so numb I am turning
But still more to the world am craving and yearning

Of Palaces, Mythologies and Images Women carry

“Indian Mythologies and (nearly) all religions demean women. How can you out of all the women I know be religious”, said a male friend with whom I was debating about religion since past two hours. We sat at the Indian Restaurant in the most Global city in the world (New York) discussing our Indian roots and their impact on women. This was just after the December (2012) Delhi Rape incident had taken place. And we were just reacting like any other Indian sitting anywhere on the globe was.

And then, here I was in August 2013 sitting and watching episodes of Mahabharata (the popular Indian Mythology dramatized on TV again) thinking how women have been portrayed in popular TV, Magazines, Films, Advertisements and yes, books. This thought had taken me back to that and many more discussions of my life where I was debated with, agreed along by friends and acquaintances on portrayal of women everywhere around us. Suddenly, everything seemed wrong as I struggled with finding roots of the multiple problems women face in even today’s progressive times.

Being a Hindu (by birth) doesn’t define my opinion about religion at all. I question and have questioned my parents, elders and even pandits at every point I have found illogical to me. From why a girl cannot light her parents pyre to why is it that during Mensuration women are not allowed to enter the temple. Who defines all this? When I look back, this debate takes me to my Women Studies class on Manu Smriti (is the most important and earliest metrical work of the Dharmasastra textual tradition of Hinduism) who defined rules of action and laws of work for every person on the earth, shaped the way Women are to be looked at in society, their roles and rules of conduct thereby defined.

Lets take a few for example from the Manusmriti text:

-       “Swabhav ev narinam …..” – 2/213. It is the nature of women to seduce men in this world; for that reason the wise are never unguarded in the company of females.

My Question: How do we see it today? Women are taken as mere objects of seduction. They are portrayed as mere objects.

-       “Matra swastra ………..” – 2/215. Wise people should avoid sitting alone with one’s mother, daughter or sister. Since carnal desire is always strong, it can lead to temptation.

Thought: And yes, is that the reason why no man feels strong enough to control his desire in front of women and ends up raping them????

-        “Shudram shaynam……” – 3/17. A Brahman who marries a Shudra woman, degrades himself and his whole family, becomes morally degenerated , loses Brahman status and his children too attain status  of shudra.

Thought: I have always questioned caste system but this one is beyond my understanding. And till date, we accept that? (I know cities are changing but we know why Honor Killings are prevalent even in today’s India)

-       “Mrshyanti…………….” – 4/217. One should not accept meals from a woman who has extra marital relations; nor from a family exclusively dominated/managed by women or a family whose 10 days of impurity because of death have not passed.

Thought: And who defines this? Who is anybody to define the moral conduct of a woman and her interaction with others. If rules are rules, they should be for all: both men & women. (However, these don’t make any sense to me).

-       “Balye pitorvashay…….” – 5/151. Girls are supposed to be in the custody of their father when they are children, women must be under the custody of their husband when married and under the custody of her son as widows. In no circumstances is she allowed to assert herself independently.

Thought: And how does our world see the women who are independent? As characterless, as somebody who is breaking norms. Is she appreciated? No.

-       “Asheela  kamvrto………” – 5/157. Men may be lacking virtue, be sexual perverts, immoral and devoid of any good qualities, and yet women must constantly worship and serve their husbands.

Thought: Wow, and if you are still wondering how “Mera Pati Mera Bhagwan” dialogue comes from in all the movies, here is your answer.

-       “Ya to kanya…………….” – 8/369. In case a woman tears the membrane [hymen] of her Vagina, she shall instantly have her head shaved or two fingers cut off and made to ride on Donkey.

Thought: The classical virginity issue. Have we ever wondered who has implanted these thoughts in the minds of Indian men? Here is your answer.

The more I read about Indian women and roots of our problems this is where I land on. Our religions have defined how our society has looked upon the women of the land, their rules and regulations, their doings and undoings, their sanctity and survival in this world where “Men define the rules”. And while I write this, I am conscious enough that we have a category of men and women who don’t follow it, but lets agree on the fact that this category is very small in proportion to define the societal norms, especially in rural India. And as I write this, I also give another disclaimer to those who think its just Hinduism that degrades women. I have seen texts of origin in Muslims too. For me, the whole ideologies that these religions are based on are a slap to the very existence of women in the society. If your religion tells you, you need a son to light your pyre after death or you wont gain Moksha (salvation), why wont you kill female fetuses and infants in order to fulfill your desire for a son. When your religion tells you that a woman cannot enter the temple or kitchen premises during her “that time of the month”, why wont even women around her make her feel impure and unhealthy to touch pickles? Justified? Not to me.

Our religion has shaped our society and thinking of the beings. Of these beings have arrived the people who have made tele-serials, movies, advertisements and written stories and books. The scripting has happened in such a way that the end product is in front of us. We have written the fate of women in such a way that all we see around today is rape, domestic violence, female foeticides, work-space harassment, and many more severe and less severe crimes against women. I feel happy seeing a change around when a woman becomes the CEO, when a woman becomes a Police officer, when a woman steps out and does something beyond what is expected behavior for her. Change is happening, but change is slow with respect to rising inhuman acts against women.

In today’s time, we are in need of “re-scripting”. We need to redesign the way women are looked at, redefine the boxed norms she is expected to live her life with, reshape her future. The whole decades and hundreds of years old script prewritten for every woman needs a re-scripting, done by her, individually, as she wants. And in that process, revivals in the way stories are told needs to happen. We need more movies on liberated successful women, more novels depicting women as choice makers for themselves, more tele-serials where women move beyond dressing dolls and kitchen roles. I think it is for a woman to define what kind of role she wants: in kitchen, or at a desk instructing people. Choices being personal, nothing is demeaning, nothing should be forced.

Lets Re-script!

This (a shorter version of this post) was originally posted on Women's Web (the online magazine) at 
http://www.womensweb.in/2013/11/religions-on-women/

Band, Baaja & Baraat!

With the most cliched and most used words as I start this post, I am in no mood to bring you the amazing fun that attending weddings can be. I am also in no mood at all to discuss any marriage related issue. As December progresses, weddings around are on a rise. Every year during this time, many people decide to take the "taken" road and therein, what comes as an effect to us the viewers/attendees is a series of get ready-reach-smile-eat and come backs!

I bring to you a personal issue I have been facing. And I see it as a very North-Indian Weddings problem. Having attended some 5 weddings and related events (Sagan, Sagai, Sangeet) recently, I realized how the business of weddings is troubling me as an individual. The D Day, should be the day of the Bride and the Groom and their families (close ones). Instead, the whole day is a social show-off day where everyone gets in their best-dramatic-shoes and acts all cranky and tries of put other off. Please keep in mind that the views here are totally personal and a result of personal experiences. Nothing, absolutely Nothing is exaggerated. Anyhow, lets go point by point here:

1. Oh-the-expenses: I have seen dowry, and then what I see today is a very new version to dowry. The 'BAND' here actually is the act of "Band Bajna" of the Bride's family. If not in cash (which is rare) then in the huge pandaal they have to set up and the feast they have to prepare for some 1500 people. The pre-wedding and wedding expenses are one of the reasons why wedding to me seems like an overrated affair. First comes the jewelry and the trousseau for the bride, the extended family & the groom. The insane gifts for all the ones attending with the crazy cash is next in line. If this wasn't enough, then the lawn-food-decorations burn a hole in the pocket (of both bride & groom if its shared, which is rare) and then after all that is done, 20-200 people still get up and speak shit about how the food wasn't good, the fruits weren't from foreign land, the smell of the carpet was killing and the AC wasn't functioning. Result: Mazaa nahi aaya (didn't enjoy)! Common, imagine what you have to hear if you spent some 1 crore on a party and people say they didn't enjoy it! Bahhh! I would be furious! And talking about how inflation is escalating these days, the amount is higher and higher depending on the expectations. 200 kinds of dishes, bride comes in a paalki, flower-shower as the var-mala happens, special silverware for dinner for bride-groom..the list is never ending. And as this happens, you still wonder why girls are looked up as burden? because even in this age when dowry is a crime, people are still expected (educated even more) to give gifts and cars and cash in weddings of their daughter, as if to give a daughter away wasn't enough!

2. Menace to society? Maybe: While I am personally a fan of weddings and the dancing, the chatting, getting glitzy ready, what to me is a pain is the wastage. Wastage of money- wastage of food- wastage of time (coming-going-sitting their waiting for the baaraat to come) is a never ending list! I have personally been to 5 weddings recently, non of which had the Groom appearing before 10 pm, while most of the guests who have arrived have started panicking. I understand its his day but trust me its not him who doesn't want to arrive early, its the crazy dancers who don't want to stop hitting Mother earth as the groom and bride becomes anxious every second wondering when will they get to see each other. The wastage of food that happens post wedding makes me angry on how much money goes down the bin just because families and society love show-off flashing of money. Imagine how many hungry people in the world could have been fed by the amount. Now I don't suggest everyone to donate their money saved for weddings to some charity, neither do i expect that, but just having a more well planned after wedding system might help feed many people around. Just saying!

3. Oh the Traffic: So this is how the day progresses, you start early just to reach on time and avoid traffic but are still caught in it. You wait 45 minutes on one single stretch of road wondering what to do and more so blaming yourself on why you said yes to attend the wedding, you reach the venue late and still find the baraat not their, you get anxious and cranky, no mood to chit-chat but still have to oblige people, reach home even later and sleep wondering gawd, its terrible to attend weddings in wedding season. You blame the world, family, and even the bride-groom for it, swear things won't be like this when u get married or your daughter does and yet- years later the same happens! Trust me when I say this is common! The never ending traffic on road and traffic in the mind that weddings come with are a stress reason strong enough for anyone to panic! And I have been a victim of both!

4. Social Obligations (Bull Shit!):  Get dressed, put on the best looks, smile and yack till everyone is tired. Some people enjoy it, some don't. To me, they are a social obligation I end up fulfilling unless its a close cousin or friend who is getting hitched. Meeting venue for people whom you haven't met in years or saw when you were little make you wonder how the world functions. I am not a social rebel but when it comes to being asked to guess who this uncle or that aunt is whom I had met when I was 2-4-6 year old is no fun to me. I don't like standing in a tight spot wondering why the hell I came to this distant cousins wedding where majority people I am not related to or know for that matter. And yes, having said that when you are single or studying or doing anything the world thinks is not a norm, the series of questions you are shot with are hilarious! Making you wonder why the hell do you have to go according to norm. Weddings after all are a place to make people uncomfortable and judge them till they give up! You can't afford to make an aunt or grandparent or bua-fufa-mama unhappy because you don't want any bad mouth happen. Result: you just smile and adjust!

5. Are the Bride & Groom Happy?:  The last but the most important thing that makes me dislike North Indian Weddings (I haven't visited a South Indian wedding but I think its pretty similar) is the fact that what should be a day for the couple, the one who are getting hitched becomes a day of everyone else except them. They are the ones who have butterflies in the stomach, literally panicking because they don't want anything to go wrong. The multiple chattering, the uncles doing drunk drama around, the annoyed and angry relatives who thought they weren't treated with respect, the anxious and over exhausted parents of the couple: with all of this around, neither do the bride and groom look happy nor at ease. Everyone wants a picture with them, but I know how mostly they aren't even aware who is getting clicked with them. The day that should be all about them ends up being a day for some 1500 people coming-eating-cribbing and going back. Worst if you are related to some high profile big shots celebs who come and take all the lime-light away from the couple. With cameras clicking and flashing lights, I feel sad for the couple! I am sure they look back at the day with smiles but its just sad at times because they all know it could have been better for them.

And as I pen down my mind here, I know that weddings are awesome! They are fun, they can be a pain but the whole jazz makes one look forward to it. I don't judge anyone who negates all the above and says they enjoyed their wedding too much, but I know deep down something or other had happened. I also know that while I would love a just my close-knit ones around me when I get hitched, the social obligations will make me a victim of the Band-Baaja-Baraat! Fingers crossed! A beach side, personal wedding would be a dream to have!

On a lighter note: Happy Married Life to all those whom I have paid a visit to this Winter! I hope you enjoyed every bit of it, though to me it was a tiring affair! Just to end on a fun note, here is a link to one of the funniest Wedding movie made in Indian Cinema! Its a fun dance bollywood style kickass number, so enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i94eL2W0V0

Stars above me, fire within me

I have this silent rage that makes me restless inside

On face I am calm, confident and carry a smile

I try to hide, I laugh it and keep it aside

It crawls back to me, tells me to sort otherwise it will pile.

The life in my city is super swift, super fast

The sound, the lights and the thousands of people around,

They make me feel lifeless, hollow and empty, alone in a land so vast

The happiness is lost somewhere or still hiding, waiting to be found.

As I leave the crowd, the silence in countryside calls me aloud

Tells me that these are my roots, the roots of my soul

Brings back my smile, my heart beat make a normal sound

Make me wonder relevance of my life in this world, question my role

On one side is this city with building oh so tall!

On the other side lies a sky with stars shining so bright

The artificial world around makes me feel so small

If I could run away from the city, I just always might!

But I know I miss the city after a certain point

Because that’s my life, where I belong

Live in the moment, the words echo from every joint

And with a smile and a solution I sing my lullaby song

Today I sleep, with a smile as thousands of stars blanket me

No lights around but still I shine so bright

They make me feel blessed, they make me feel free

With a wish that they stay with me forever, I hug them tight!

(Written during a visit to a small village in South India. Cheers to random thoughts keeping me alive)