Confusions

And it said, it's time to take a stand. Either here or there. 

That had been my struggle since past many years. 

Many many years

I felt torn again. Torn between duties n desires.. 

That had been my struggle since many years. 

Many many years

The statement was now is the time. It's been stretched decision for long

That had been my struggle for many years 

Many many years

Coming from the confusions mouth, I had nothing to question. I was torn again. 

That had been my struggle for many years. 

Many many years

You can't chose so easily! Or can you? Wants pull you, so do your responsibilities n decisions. 

Struggle..

Many many years..

I stood there, or maybe lay in my pool of drama with that sinking feeling yet again. 
To choose. 
To let go or hold onto. 

Many many years

The beauty pulled me, the ugliness inside made me drift apart. 
Reality was hitting hard.. Dreams popping up once again

Many many years.

The beauty pulled me, the ugliness inside made me drift apart. 
Reality was hitting hard.. Dreams popping up once again

Many many years.

The funny thing was that the message came from the confusion itself. 
I couldn't argue. At all. Anymore. Now.

Struggles

Many many years

And all I wanted was the night to pass by so that once again I conveniently run away. Escapism. Yet again. 

Struggle.

Many many years

Coward? Irresponsible? Incompetent? Indecisive? Immature? Illogical? Emotional?

Haunted. Haunted. Haunted. 

Many many years

I want to sleep again. A peaceful lullaby if the confusions could sing. 
But al I heard were shrill shrieks. 

Dwindled again.

Many many years

The moon was complete making me empty. The stars shining as I lost my glow. 
The darkness inside blew me away.

Yet again lost

Many many years

Numb numb. I want to be. Dumb dumb so wish to me. The sound was killing n I drifted apart. 

Choose now as it shouted

Many many years

Kill me cz I can't bleed anymore. Maybe that's why I am so dead. Breathing for the world

Missing heart or lost the soul 

Many many years

Words are lost. From my mouth. Heart is blind. And u ask me to decide from what??

How? How? Now? Now? 

Struggles. 

Many many years

Incomplete I shall be. Always. Like this abode of my mind. Always. 

Confusions are life? 

Decide what? 

Struggles. 

Many

Many 

Years

- Diary of an Oxymoron

Hollow chested

All the curses have finally started working again
And I thought good was here to stay
But then maybe I was being to hopeful
But then maybe somewhere I knew this was bound to happen
The sharp words cutting my soul are being thrown
The unknown forces have started to pull push again
What went around is coming back
I stand here, being bruised by winds of the past.

Winds of the past, tornados of the present!

- Diary of an Oxymoron

कल्पना

धूप हूँ कभी, और कभी हूँ मैं छांव 

कभी किसी की मुसकुराहट, कभी नम नयन

कहीं बहती नदी, कहीं थमता गाँव 

जो भी कहो, हूँ तुम्हारी ही
कल्पना का अंश
- Diary of an Oxymoron

Emptiness outside, emptiness inside: The Storm of Fall 2012

Call me crazy

That's the way I want to be

This chaos of my world

Is better than the order of yours

-------

Fall of 2012 was a joy I couldn’t cherish for long. I had just received a great scholarship. Was studying in a brilliant school in the city everyone craves to live in (New York). I was finally living on my own. There was that smell of newness, the energy that a milestone brings to you. The streets, the noise all added to the craziness in head. Happy? Or so it appeared to me. Or so, I wanted it to appear.

Is it a crawling snake?

That can be seen with my eyes shut 

Or should I use a shiny rake?

To polish the loose ends of my senseless gut 

The storm in October 2012 that happened in the city of New York took a lot then just the city’s infrastructure. It left a bright dirty spot on my mind too. As Sandy, The Storm changed the course of action for the city making it moan in pain of devastation; a storm took over my life too. Before the storm, I had been overwhelmed by the new life and the daily events: meeting people, managing things totally on my own, feeling lonely, feeling excited. After the storm, I stood there, with an expressionless face and the shattering noise of being broken.

Darkness around is darkness inside


That resonates every now and then

Sooner or later one has to decide


To embrace or reject it from within

Birds have stopped chirping now


And trees stand unshaken


All I see is a raised up brow


With hoards of words waiting to be taken



I walked down the Washington Square Park to my building overly dressed in layers of clothing, trying to save myself from the cold snow. It was 4 pm, dark already and the cold air around hitting my face made me wonder how people saved themselves from the gloominess this weather brought to their lives. I recalled the time from Delhi where I had always hated the heat and craved the snow.

There I was, having what I had desperately wanted. But was I happy? Why was sadness gripping me? The aftermath of the October Storm had left a crack in my soul. November had been healing but the emptiness did not help. Diwali in Canada and Thanksgiving at New Jersey made me feel better as being around family helped. And as the month of November flashed before my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to be happy and love it all, the pain just gripped me tight. All I could hear was the silence inside. The chirping people celebrating another festive month did not come as a breath of fresh air. I was so looking forward to the New Year. Even though I hated the soulless cold air slapping my face, I tried to embrace it. I knew I deserved it. The good, and the bad!

Sudden rush brings joyful trouble


In this dark painful body of work

Eyes rubbed again to rid off the bubble

Trying to shed of the inside Berk

Creaks of the window in pain


Without wind playing a role


Glass is lost & wood is in stain

Nobody looks at the dented pole

It was a routine for me to sit beside the window in my room. The heater made me realize how humans crave for what is missing. "When its cold, we want hot, always wanting what is not". The words resonated in my mind. The irony was that somewhere that cold-hot change made me learn about my own self. My constant craving for what is missing from my life and my struggle to change when that missing piece of the puzzle is found.  The funny thing was, I enjoyed it. The numerous phone calls to home just to stay afloat failed at times. The empty room made me cry and weather outside made it hard to get out.

Pages flying in the head


Are they a figment of my imagination too

Lying on desk, sitting on bed


Asking why when the question is who

The snake crawls near


And starts growing in size


Bravely facing it without any fear


Or wear a veil and disguise



But yes, I survived! I survived strong. And people helped. Those long discussions in the kitchen with my landlady, those friends who would call from India, those city friends helping me get out of home and yes, that one new friend who came in just at the right time to help me embrace pain, helped me immerse myself in work and recover.





No sign of light, but fire within


Fear is lived to reach freedom


Don't burst the thought yet with that pin


Prematurity here would be just so dumb

I started embracing the pain, enjoying the wind slapping my numb face. Everything turned beautiful and yes, I was waiting for 2013 to come with my arms spread wide!

The darkness around is darkness inside


For fire originates in you


Convert it in light and let it reside


In words long lived, even if a few

Is it a crawling snake?

You can continue to question forever


Or puff the snake & his venom


And cherish the poison in you, in you.

Standing on the edge

The sheets smell of you
And so do my hands
I can barely take it now
Why don't you just end this up?
Leave me now, complete me!

The crevices of my wisdom box
Are tired of resonating the same words
The webs that time has knitted
Need to b cleaned
For new to b dreamt

I look around and eyes collapse
My arms tired of carrying the burden
As shoulders stoop
I cry loud
When will this trauma end?
I cry aloud

I dreamt of you like a ray of hope
Till it turned dark around
Is this is how we r to Part?
With hatred taking over love?
Every time?

I see people happy
And I look at my inverted smile
I search every nook & corner
Where is my freedom lost?
In which file? Exile?

There I was when we met
Naive as a baby's breath
Here I m years down the line
Shouting silence in mime
Painful, aye!

I love you too that can't b denied
But we can't always be one
I know my feeling I have often lied
And so I feel we are done
Happy parting?

Those teary nights I spent in despair
And those tickles we walked togethr
I sure have grown a lot arnd u
But is that enough? I ask you too?

For d world won't get my rhyme
Neither will they see us divine
But I hope u know u hv changd me
For good and bad, together
Changed me forever

I sing those abode
To a soulless being
Because to me u exist in head
I will love you till I m dead

#PhDdiaries
-Diary of an Oxymoron

भाव

शोर में सन्नाटा
कभी सुना है?
क्या कभी देखा है?
अँधेरे में उजाला
या फिर महसूस किया है कभी?
दर्द में ख़ुशी का एहसास

जिस दिन यह सब मिल जायेगा एक साथ
उस दिन सुन्न हो जायेंगे सारे भाव
सारे के सारे
भाव

- Diary of an Oxymoron

Divine

For the chirping birds sat beside
And didn't let the awful notions glide
Into this creepy mind of mine
Taking me to a place, oh so divine!

- Diary of an Oxymoron