Picture this: A North Indian Delhi based Brahmin family, the
eldest son of the 7 children and his three daughters. Does it ring a bell in
your head? A typical Indian scenario since decades has been that the son needs
to have a son to carry the family heritage, family name ahead and when a
situation like this arises, you can imagine the plight of the woman who gave
birth to these three girls, the plight of the eldest son who is constantly
reminded of how terrible it is that he doesn’t have a son and how cursed he is
to have three daughters.
This is a story of my life. I am the second daughter of the
three in this situation. This is also a story of my parents, my dad the eldest
son in the family of 7 children (4 brothers, 3 sisters). This is a story of my
family, relatives around who constantly remind my parents how unhappy they are
(which they never see). And, over and all this is a story of those hundreds of
women and men I meet on streets, corners and villages in India who show me the
pity face as they come to know that we are three sisters.
My dad, the eldest son of the house has always been the one
who looked after the needs of the other children since childhood. He started a
job pretty early because he was told that he has to be the help when his
sisters marry, when his brothers need to establish themselves. Born in a family
of a railway clerk and a housewife hailing from Haryana, settled in Delhi, my
father stepped into the employment sector as soon as he graduated. He often
tells me how he used to do petty tasks in small shops even when he was in
school just to get petty cash for his expenses, afterall a railways job for my
grandfather couldn’t feed 7 kids. I really respect my grandfather for making those
7 children stand on their feet and live a prosperous life today, but the whole
ideology of having 7 kids without the resources to feed them sounds crazy to
me. Anyhow, so yes, my dad got into a job, changed jobs often, got married and
yes, started his own business. From a small pigeon hole rented place in a small
lane in Delhi, the journey he has taken to reach to a industry and export
market in scientific instruments has been inspiring. Well, we can discuss that
story some other time. For right now, lets join the dots.
So yes, he gets married, has three daughters over a span of
9 years with one miscarriage (a boy) before the third daughter arrived. And
now, its been 30 years since his marriage and 23 since the miscarriage but till
date all my grandmother loathes about is the fact how the 7 month fetus wasn’t
born in this world is a sign of how unfortunate my parents are. We are three
sisters, raised with the best of everything. My friends often call me names:
“the pampered one”, “the daughter of a millionaire (while we aren’t one really,
but still)”, the “lucky one” etc. And though I hate it many times, I really
love it when I look at majority of my immediate relatives who think that God
wasn’t kind on my parents. We are a family of educated (atleast literate),
working, prosperous individuals settled in Delhi since more than 60 years. And
well, that is exactly why they look crazy to me when they talk sons and moksha
linkages.
We as daughters never felt that we have an incomplete
family. We have our shares of arguments and regular day to day fights but we
respect our parents, our mother for bringing that change in our homes, for
making girls matter. I have seen my father from rags to riches. From the day
(as my mother describes) when I was about to be born and he didn’t had to money
to take my mother to a doctor to the day today where I find myself sneezing and
going to a doctor. We have been cared of, pampered but taught the ways of life
to be dealt ourselves. I am (like my sisters) one who loves indulging in
fashion and food and style as much as I enjoy working with women & children
in the extreme situations in India, sitting down with them, understanding
realities and helping build partnerships in development from the communities.
For me, both give my life a high, strong enough that it can challenge the high
anyone feels after having any drug.
So, well educated, best of facilities, freedom and yes, the
courage to fight our own battles, we as daughters have never felt that we are
being discriminated with respect to our gender. Well, of course being in India,
our parents are constantly worried about our safety but the fact remains that
when I look at girls in Indian villages and towns, and I look at myself, I find
a gap which to me is filled as I look at my relatives and families around. So,
yes, my grandparents don’t love us. They do show that they feel for us, but
when it is to choose between me (loving caring and respecting granddaughter)
and my uncle’s son (brat, careless and disrespecting grandson), you know who
they pick. As a child, it used to break my heart but as I grew and realized how
it has been and it will be, I started to understand how I wont let it be in the
next generation. My parents, pioneered the change in our home and yes, I
believe I will be the one (we sisters) carrying the torch ahead.
We all hear stories of gender discrimination starting with
children (even before birth) in families, but the important thing is to not let
them be jus stories, but make them path breaking reasons for change. My uncle
tells my dad that he should not expand his business because he has no son.
Well, I have always been a part of his business and we three have told him “the
day you want to retire, let us know and we will take it from there”, but in our
families, that doesn’t count. “You are a daughter, who goes to others house,
who cant do this business”, my grandmother often comments. Of the many
comments, this one has always been a fuel to my anger, but yes earlier it used
to help me blast and now it helps me strengthen my enthusiasm to not let it
happen ahead of me, when I have children.
My buas and chachas (paternal aunts and uncles), nana and nani (maternal grandparents) etc all are a party to this You Must
Have a Son Disorder. My parents tell me how when my mom got her sterilization
done after the third daughter was born (which was not for a son desire, but we
can discuss that later), both my grandmothers (paternal and maternal) had not
spoken to them for a long time. Eldest son and no male heir?? Are you insane?
Was the reaction they got. Today, when they look at us, they tell us how happy
they are because we are trying to tell the world a story of how girls are at
par, how gender is not how one should be measured and how, they never cared and
they never still do what the people say.
A typical reaction I always get from women in Indian
villages is this: “oh my god, oho! You don’t have a brother? That’s really
sad.” And yes, it amuses me to the core. I mean, just imagine me sitting with
20 women and discussing gender disparity and discrimination issues in a village
in Haryana and the first question they ask me during rapport formation is this.
I do take it as a starting point to my discussion but then, this is a story of
every village every place I travel to in India. And yes, though I am strong
enough to challenge the mindset, I feel helpless when I think of those
thousands and thousands of girls who are the future flag bearers and who are
being moulded in this mentality.
While I was on my journey abroad for many months, I remember
the day I was about to travel. My grandparents had called me to tell me how
they feel proud of me. They told me this: “You are like a son to the house”!
hahh! Was my reaction as I chuckled and remarked, “Please don’t call me a son,
I am a daughter and yes, I am proud of the fact that my parents respect it. I
am a daughter, not a son”!
Our society suffers from chambering syndrome. The girl who
explores, travels, gets best of education and is a flag bearer becomes a BOY
like! We sisters, all in the same system often laugh our lungs out thinking of
the times we face it in our homes, leave aside the world. My eldest sister has
a baby girl and as she reinforces how she wont let gender impact her child, I
often think of the hard times she will face but am hopeful that one day she
will achieve what she wants.
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