Call me crazy
That's the way I want to be
This chaos of my world
Is better than the order of yours
-------
Fall of 2012 was
a joy I couldn’t cherish for long. I had just received a great scholarship. Was
studying in a brilliant school in the city everyone craves to live in (New
York). I was finally living on my own. There was that smell of newness, the
energy that a milestone brings to you. The streets, the noise all added to the
craziness in head. Happy? Or so it appeared to me. Or so, I wanted it to appear.
Is it a crawling snake?
That can be seen with my
eyes shut
Or should I use a shiny
rake?
To polish the loose ends
of my senseless gut
The storm in
October 2012 that happened in the city of New York took a lot then just the
city’s infrastructure. It left a bright dirty spot on my mind too. As Sandy,
The Storm changed the course of action for the city making it moan in pain of devastation;
a storm took over my life too. Before the storm, I had been overwhelmed by the
new life and the daily events: meeting people, managing things totally on my
own, feeling lonely, feeling excited. After the storm, I stood there, with an
expressionless face and the shattering noise of being broken.
Darkness around is
darkness inside
That resonates every now
and then
Sooner or later one has to
decide
To embrace or reject it
from within
Birds have stopped
chirping now
And trees stand unshaken
All I see is a raised up
brow
With hoards of words waiting
to be taken
I walked down the
Washington Square Park to my building overly dressed in layers of clothing,
trying to save myself from the cold snow. It was 4 pm, dark already and the
cold air around hitting my face made me wonder how people saved themselves from
the gloominess this weather brought to their lives. I recalled the time from Delhi
where I had always hated the heat and craved the snow.
There I was, having
what I had desperately wanted. But was I happy? Why was sadness gripping me?
The aftermath of the October Storm had left a crack in my soul. November had
been healing but the emptiness did not help. Diwali in Canada and Thanksgiving
at New Jersey made me feel better as being around family helped. And as the
month of November flashed before my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to be
happy and love it all, the pain just gripped me tight. All I could hear was the
silence inside. The chirping people celebrating another festive month did not come
as a breath of fresh air. I was so looking forward to the New Year. Even though
I hated the soulless cold air slapping my face, I tried to embrace it. I knew I
deserved it. The good, and the bad!
Sudden rush brings joyful
trouble
In this dark painful body
of work
Eyes rubbed again to rid
off the bubble
Trying to shed of the
inside Berk
Creaks of the window in
pain
Without wind playing a
role
Glass is lost & wood
is in stain
Nobody looks at the dented
pole
It was a routine
for me to sit beside the window in my room. The heater made me realize how
humans crave for what is missing. "When
its cold, we want hot, always wanting what is not". The words
resonated in my mind. The irony was that somewhere that cold-hot change made me
learn about my own self. My constant craving for what is missing from my life
and my struggle to change when that missing piece of the puzzle is found. The funny thing was, I enjoyed it. The
numerous phone calls to home just to stay afloat failed at times. The empty
room made me cry and weather outside made it hard to get out.
Pages flying in the head
Are they a figment of my
imagination too
Lying on desk, sitting on
bed
Asking why when the
question is who
The snake crawls near
And starts growing in
size
Bravely facing it without
any fear
Or wear a veil and
disguise
But yes, I
survived! I survived strong. And people helped. Those long discussions in the kitchen
with my landlady, those friends who would call from India, those city friends helping
me get out of home and yes, that one new friend who came in just at the right
time to help me embrace pain, helped me immerse myself in work and recover.
No sign of light, but fire
within
Fear is lived to reach
freedom
Don't burst the thought
yet with that pin
Prematurity here would be
just so dumb
I started
embracing the pain, enjoying the wind slapping my numb face. Everything turned
beautiful and yes, I was waiting for 2013 to come with my arms spread wide!
The darkness around is
darkness inside
For fire originates in
you
Convert it in light and
let it reside
In words long lived, even
if a few
Is it a crawling snake?
You can continue to
question forever
Or puff the snake &
his venom
And cherish the poison in
you, in you.
