चलना है, तोह चलेंगे आगे

तस्वीर में छुपी वोह हसी कि कहानी
वोह उस दिन यूँह सुना पुराना एक गाना
कुछ बिखरी हुई ज़ुल्फ़ें और एक लम्बी सड़क
क्या खुद में खो जाने की ख़ुशी इसे ही कहते हैं?

वोह कुछ बिखरे हुए कागज़, यादें हैं सम्भाले
और बातें कई हवाओं में अभी भी सुनायी देतीं हैं
फिर वोह रास्ता जिसपे चला करते थे यूँह
क्या उसमें खो जानें कि ख़ुशी इसी को कहते हैं?

एक सूना सन्नाटा, कुछ शोर कुछ लड़ाई
वोह चुपके से शांति का यूँ चले आना
कुछ हंसी के ठहाके, रोना और रुलाना
क्या पल में ठहर जाना इसी को कहते हैं?

चलना है, तोह चलेंगे आगे
रुकने को आखिर किसने कहा है
पर पल पल साथ रहती जो हैं बातें
उन्हें जी लें पल पल इसी में मज़ा है 

बचपन की यादें

वोह गीली मिटटी कि खुश्बू
बारिश में झूम के नाचना
वोह हसी से गुदगुदाते लम्हे
और बस, यादें हैं अब बाकी 

आँखों के सागर

कुछ पल यूँह आज भी कैद हैं इन आखों में 

जैसा ठहरा हुआ है वक़्त कहीं

कभी रुकने का जब सोचती हूँ 

कदम ही साथ नहीं देते 

Kuch pal yunh aaj bhi kaid hain in aankhon mein 

Jaise thehra hua hai waqt kahin..

Kabhi rukne ka jab sochti hoon, 

Kadam hi saath nahi dete! 

- Diary of an Oxymoron

रात

अँधेरी रात की गहराई में 
जब 
ढूंढ़ने निकलो किसी पुरानी कहानी की सच्चाई 
तब
सन्नाटा मार डालता है 

-Diary of an Oxymoron

नैना

आंखों में जो है समंदर
उसमें डूबा हुआ है सबका व्यक्तित्व
बस देखने का नजरिया चाहिए
तभी तो जान पाओगे ज़िंदगी कि सचाई 

सोये रहोगे कब तक

कौन रोक पायेगा उस ज्वाला को
जो शुरू हुई थी एक चिंगारी कि तरह
पर चली है आज जलाने को यह दुनिया
किये बिना किसी रीती रिवाज़ कि परवाह

कौन रोक पायेगा उस तूफानी नदी को
जो शुरू हुई थी एक हिमनद के ज़रिये
पर आज चली है तबाह करने
पितृसत्ता कि खोखली जड़ों को

कौन रोक पायेगा उस चक्रवात को
जो शुरू था हवा के झोंके से
पर आज चली है मिटाने लिंग भेद को
लोक सत्ता का सही मतलब बताने

कौन रोक पायेगा, कौन रोक पायेगा
जब शुरू हो जायेगा एक परिवर्तन इस भ्रमांड में
जब जाग जायेगी हर वो सोई भावना
बदल जायेगी हर प्रथा, हर रसम

शुरू हो चुकी है यह कहानी
शायद अभी नहीं सुनी है तुमने
जब चलेगा संपूर्ण बदलाव का चक्र
सोये नहीं रेह पाओगे

सवाल-जवाब

हर नज़र में एक सवाल है
शायद अभी जवाब मिलना है मुश्किल
पर जवाब कि किसे है परवाह
मिले नहीं तभी तोह सवाल का मज़ा है 

Diary of an Oxymoron

जब लव्ज़ हो जाएँ ख़तम
लगता है अधूरी रेह गाई है कोई कहानी
पर शायद अटका हुआ है कोई एहसास
कोई भावना कहीं और अभी बची है सुनानी

एक पेड़ जिस तरह से हर मौसम में है बदलता
मेरा भी शायद हाल वही है
पत्ते हैं झगड़ते, डालियाँ हैं लड़ती
जब जो रंग चाहो तभी वोह नहीं है

कभी खिलते हैं कहीं फूल सुहाने
कभी मिलता है किसी मेहनत का फ़ल
कभी जड़ें हैं करती जल की लालसा
और कभी मनन के भवरे हैं बनते चंचल

जब हवा का झोंका है आता
ले जाता है सब कुछ अपने साथ
एक तेज़ बिजली जब गरजी
सूनी लगने लगती है हर कोई वोह रात

लालच होता है फिर भी बन्ने का महान
वो हरा भरा वृक्ष जिसमें हों हर एक गुण भरपूर
चाहे कोई काटे, या झंजोड़े उसकी खुद कि जड़ें
सदैव रहे उसके तने में वोह नूर

उड़ना है शायद इसे, और शायद है जुड़े भी रहना
हैना?

_ Diary of an Oxymoron 

Diary of a PhD Scholar (Continues..)

एक कमरा कहीं एक कोने में
बंजर ज़मीन कि याद दिलाता है
न जाने क्या कमी थी मेहनत में
की हर अनजान हर रोज़ ठोकर खिलवाता है

वो दिन आज भी याद है
जब मैंने यह मकान था बनाने का सोचा
कुछ पैसे थे जेब में मेरे
कुछ इज़ज़त की रोटी कमाने का सोचा

कुछ सालों की मेहनत थी ज़रूरी
और एक एक पत्थर था मुझे ही ढोना
चार दिन की चांदनी निकली
और पढ गया हर कदम पे रोना

जब जब दरवाज़ा हूँ मैं खटखटाती
तब तब यह दिल मेरा है रोता
दिमाग लगाऊं  घर बनाने में पर
जो सोचा था नहीं वो इस ज़माने में है होता

आज कुछ पत्थर और कुछ यादें हैं मेरे पास
जिनके भरोसे मेरी कोशिश है जारी
जब किसी के बने घर को हूँ देखती
सोचती हूँ कब आएगी मेरी खुश होने की बारी

शायद और भी है मेहनत करनी बाकी
इसलिए चलते है रहना
शायद और भी हैं खानी ठोकर
शायद और सुख दुःख है बाकी सहना

जब सोचती हूँ रुक जाऊं
तब सामने दिखाई देता है अधूरा सपना
फिर जागती है हिम्मत कुछ कर जाने की
उन अधूरे हिस्सों को जोड़ बना दूं कुछ अपना

और भी गम हैं ज़माने में
यह घर ही नहीं है सिर्फ एक कहानी
पर अभी के लिए थोडा रुकिये
येह ही अधूरी है करनी पूरी, फिर करेंगे दूसरी सुननी
__________

ek kamra kahin ek kone mein
banjar zameen ki yaad dilata hai
na jaane kya kami thi mehnat mein
ki har anjaan har roz thokar khilwata hai

woh din aaj bhi yaad hai
jab maine yeh makaan tha banane ka socha
kuch paise they jaeb mein mere
kuch izzat ki roti kamane ka socha

kuch saalon ki mehnat thi zaroori
aur ek ek pathar tha mujhe hi dhona
char din ki chandni nikli
aur pad gaya har kadam pe rona

jab jab darwaza hoon mai khatkhati
tab tab yeh dil mera hai rota
dimaag lagaun ghar banane mein par
jo socha tha woh nahi is zamane mein hai hota

aaj kuch pathar aur kuch yaadein hain mere paas
jinke bharose meri koshish hai jaari
jab kisi ke bane ghar ko hoon dekhti
sochti hoon kab aayegi meri khush hone ki baari

shayad abhi aur bhi hai mehnat karni baaki
isliye chalte hain rehna
shayad abhi aur bhi hai khaani thokar
shayad aur sukh-dukh hai baaki sehna

jab sochti hoon ruk Jan
tab saamne dikhai deta hai adhura sapna
phir jaagti hai himmat kuch kar jaane ki
un adhure hizzon ko jod, bana doon kuch apna

aur bhi gam hain zamane mein
ye ghar hi nahi hai sirf ek kahani
par abhi ke liye thoda rukiye
yeh hi adhuri hai karni poori, phir shuru karenge doosri sunani..

Samay ka chakra

Waqt kat-ta nahi, 

Log mitt jate hain 

Ye zamana rehta hai yahin Kahin 

Arse beet jaate hain 

Ek pal Jo thehra nahi 

Uski yaad yunh aati hai 

Jis Mein jee rahe hain hum 

Woh baat chali jaati hai 

Samay ka chakra rukta nahi 

Na hi rukte hain log 

Bas raet ki taranh nikalte hain 

Chord jaatein hai ek rog 

Har din jab yun pal ko beet-te hum hain dekhte 

Tab nahi hai rehta kuch bas Mein 

Phir ek din Sab chord ke sochte hain 

Bekaar ke hain rishte, aur kasmein 

Phir se samay hai khel khelta

Ek naya chakra shuru hua hai

Jab samjhe hum ki ab aur nahi hain pichli baatein

Tab lagti purani poori hui koi dua hai 

Ant yahi hai, ya nayi shuruat

Ye sochte sochte beet jaati hai Phir koi raat

-Diary of an Oxymoron

Kuch..

Kuch dhuan aaj Phir dikha hai

Jaane kya is baar jala 

Ek Mai hoon aur ek meri kahani 

Jal jaaye Bhi toh kya guila 

Kuch barish ki boondien fir padi hain 

Patton Mein yunh jaan aai 

Meri kahani abhi shuru hui hai 

Abhi kyun zeham kapkapai

Kuch hawa ne aaj rukh badla hai

Jaane yeh sama kahan le ke jayega

Rooh to meri Zinda nahi ab

Hawa ka jhonka kya use rulayega 

- Diary of an oxymoron

Waiting for a magic?

Knock knock, knocked you down 

The laughter so loud was of the clown 

The music is more noise, makes no sense 

You tried to run, u forgot the wired fence 

The breaking bones tell a story of barriers oh so hazy 

The crumbled sheets tell how you are still being lazy 

The sun comes n goes, moon hates your sight 

The wind and rain want to torture you n so they fight 

The pulling force from all sides is your zeal 

The layers are endless no matter how much you peal 

It's silence you want, still you hate

It's your driven or you think it's fate 

Wonder why the cosmic forces conspire another tale 

You look so weak, the roughness has turned you pale 

N then you fall again with a loud noise

People notice but nobody helps maintain your poise 

Wonder how the poise maintains 

When you see your clothes all stained 

Magic are you waiting for? 

-Diary of an Oxymoron

He sat in a chair

He sat in a chair, oh so high

Then looked around and started questioning why

The world is black, white and blue

He had so many questions but no clue

It should be done, this way that way

Your way is wrong, he would often say

You can’t develop, progress and move

You are wrong, your way messed; he tried to prove

He was a man, oh so wise

Lost his core, that’s how he paid the price

For his vision and view stayed the same

Locations changed, the chair remained

There he was sitting in the pool he used to hate

Tried to change or accepted his fate?

The story is still incomplete

I wish the man would stop trying to beat

Beat the way others tried to succeed

It was ‘for’ that he should have been indeed

Leave the chair, move around

Its your way, you lost or you still haven't found

There is nothing wrong coz you are doing your bit

Don't struggle to change others, don't try to fit

Those who believe you are right

Would join along, you won't have to always fight

Your aim is right, intentions true

There will be 'against', and 'for' will be few

Criticizing is good, but not all the time

Life is what you make, with a drop of lime!

Men peeing in public: An issue of sanitation, exhibitionism and sexual harassment

On a casual day while driving around the city of Delhi, one tends to notice many things: the endless traffic, the singles-doubles-families around, the lot of people that stare at you because you are a woman driving, and the amazing stores-buildings-malls spread across the city. And still, out of these and many more categories, what crosses your eye is the unhealthy sight of a man standing with his face towards a wall doing what relieves himself of what they call the “biggest pressure”. Yes, you are right: peeing!

And as this happens, and no matter how much you hate yourself for having such a view catch your eye, the man suddenly looks back and smiles at you. The smile, that makes you ashamed of having looked at it.

Recently while driving down to a mall nearby, what caught my eye made me disgusted enough to pen down my thoughts on why men peeing in public needs to be taken up as a serious offence. An offence that calls for all women (and men, if they would like to kill their temptation of peeing in public) to come together and do something about this social menace, which is not just an unpleasant sight but also a sexual offence. So, as I relive to you the few minutes of that day, I am sure you would come up with a version of yours, an experience you have had that made you feel disgusted. Shared or not shared with anyone, that’s another side of the story.

While I was driving around with my mother to a nearby place, a car full of women was just in front of me. Thanks to the road being a little out of shape, speed was slower than usual. And there he was, casually urinating. While generally the situation has a man standing facing towards the wall, in this particular instance the man stood facing towards the road, showing his private parts to the women in the car right in front of me, smiling and shaking his heart out (you get what I mean!).

And as this happened, the women in the car turned their faces towards the other side (what anyone of us would do!). The irritated social moron that I am, I slowed further and rolled down the window to shout at the man and sarcastically applaud him (I literally clapped) for what he just did. To my disgust, the shame factor being absent for this man, he smiled back again. With a sad look of my face (from what the city is heading to), I drove ahead as my mother shouted at me for doing what I had just done. Needless to say, the argument with my mother made me realize that no matter how terrible a sight this is for women, they only shun the urge to do something about it because, let’s face it, nothing can change.

And to my utter dismay, on a fifteen minute drive, I saw this and some three other men peeing in public. Men of all categories: educated-uneducated. Why couldn’t I ignore it? I just can’t! It’s a terrible sight for me and the smiling face of the man has been haunting me. If we can’t stop such little acts of social disgust, how in the world can we work on making the city rape-free? And I am not exaggerating at all. There are two very strong arguments linked here: One is that of sanitation and hygiene, and the other is that of masculinity.

Lets take sanitation first. While the Government’s Sanitation and Toilets Initiative has been on for years, the agenda ever since has been to create toilets and not behaviour change. I am of the belief (as a social sector professional, and a human first) that if any act/law/policy has to be implemented in the country, the aim first has to be to target root behaviour. In this situation, we all would agree that the root problem in the country is the age-old practice of defecating and peeing in open. Women and men in villages, both, have done it. But men have been more open about it.

While the government works towards building more toilets in every household, street in India, targeting the psychology is very important for creating socially acceptable behaviour in this regard. There are two problems: lack of (public) toilets and lack of an attitude towards NOT peeing in public. And please, don’t give me the argument on how uncontrollable it is. No matter what it does to you, you are not entitled to do it in the open. Not only is it a terrible sight for the city’s civic look but also as a woman, I find it offensive.

The second argument is that of masculinity overdose. And while I describe this, I don’t care if I am taken up as a feminist or not. I simply fail to understand why it is that instead of finding a washroom, men find it better to just pull over, and pee anywhere in open. Day or night. Crowded or secluded. The fact that the idea to find a place to pee doesn’t cross their mind, or fails to stay there makes me realize that there is a strong need to change this very thought! And while I read about what laws are there to stop it in our country, the fact that it’s a worldwide menace made me realize not just the global prevalence but also how India seems to be a champion in this too. The sexual violence levels in India, rapes and abuses been present, to me this is a mental abuse. And while I say this, I know many women would agree. Men whom I have questioned about it said that no matter how women see it, they have to do it. I don’t see any logic in that, and yes, not even a medical logic. If you want to pee, find a toilet! Period!

In November last year, a woman was killed because she tried to stop a man from peeing outside her house at night. This happened in Delhi. And while this might be one in a hundred cases, this is what fighting against something wrong does to a person in this country. They say there is a fine for it. But tell me, when I see even police officers doing it, who will be held responsible for levying that fine on the men who find it rather amusing to look at women, smile and pee showing off their private parts as if it gives them a mental pleasure? Awful. This is the reality.

This article was originally published at The Alternative: http://thealternative.in/arts-culture/men-peeing-in-public-an-issue-of-sanitation-exhibitionism-and-sexual-harassment/ 

Looking Within: Do We Support Other Women?

A plotting mother-in-law, the sultry seductive ‘other woman’, the selfish woman in flesh of a saintly friend, the unsupportive husband, the strict father.. looks like we just opened a box of the tele-serial world, isn’t it? Inspired by real life as the world of soap operas is, the fact is that today we are in the company of those few who have spoiled the way everyone else in their situations is looked at.

Feminism, some one just reminded me a day ago is a woman’s thing. Amused as I was, I kept on thinking why is it that when we think of a feminist, we think of a woman who is there raging with anger and shouting out slogans against men.

It is true that those situations used to be there earlier, but today, as times have changed, feminism has moved beyond bra burning and occupy the street kind of movements, and as I say this, I don’t intend to demean the value of them as well. 

The larger discussion today should be how feminism and the struggle for making women more empowered has a lot of do with women themselves than the men around, who have to indeed play a strong role. But when I talk of feminism, I want to move beyond the whole idea of ‘male Bashing’ and the ‘blame it on your counterpart’ game. I might sound a little more preachy and spiritual here, but the key to understanding Feminism lies in understanding the concept of ‘Standing up for yourself’ and not ‘Standing against someone’.

I was talking to a friend when she remarked that the only way this particular colleague of hers gets her work done in her office is opening the two top buttons of her shirt, her body posture leaning a little more towards male colleagues and flipping her hair right and left as she spoke. While everyone has a right to do what they want, and someone’s dressing up or down should not be a reason to question them or their character, I still fail to understand why that would work more. As for the one who is standing beside in subtle attire, tied up hair, much more talented, the struggles are much higher.

Moving beyond all this, the thing that makes me wonder how ‘one woman spoils it for every other’ is that even those who dress up or dress down and are not trying to signal to their counterparts are looked at with evil eyes. For the women around question her and the men around lech at her.

And this debate continues beyond mere work structures. A friend recently said, “My mother-in-law is not such a typical mother-in-law like the ones I used to be scared about. You know the typical out-of-horrific-family-dramas character”. As she said this, I realized how the general notion towards a mother-in-law has been that she is the wicked character of the family that a girl plans to enter. And that can be attributed to the fact that somewhere the story of that one evil character has spread like a fire in the forest, spoiling it for all the good ones too.

While this one side of the story is on how women blame other women, and mostly one case spoils the image of everyone else, the other side is of blaming men. I overheard a woman talking in a food court a few days ago. “My father had done the same thing, not letting me handle my life on my own terms and my husband is doing the same. I work so hard, day in and day out but no one appreciates, cooking-cleaning-children take up my life.”, she remarked. The discussion that followed helped me understand how we mostly try to blame our situation on others, especially the men and do not take the burden of changing the situation on our shoulders.

There can be numerous examples. And these might be just 10% (an approximate exaggerated figure) of the whole lot, but they create the image for others. The very reason that one bad fish can spoil the life of the ones in the pool is a clichéd statement but a fact here. We need to look into us before we go around blaming our bosses, husbands, fathers. Before we do something that speaks for other women too, we need to stop and think of the repercussions it might have for all the women in similar situations. We need to understand that the first level of change is “I”. Going on and speaking evil of the husband/father for not letting you do a particular thing can happen only when you have rebelled (subtly, that works more) enough and found no solution. Negotiation, after all is a trick women do/can specialize in.

And as I see women demeaning women, judging their every single act, making them fall rather than succeed, I look at the tele serials and realize that the world today looks at others, especially women with shades of either extreme black or extreme white. Grey seems to be absent. And that being true, this is even more in case of women judging women.

Are we as feminists, losing the ground of being humanists? I am just trying to question the culture of ‘male bashing’ and ‘Oh! She is the evil one’ for every single failure of our struggle to question our patriarchal social roles. While there are men who won’t let us work, there are those who will happily support the cause. Instead of painting the movement of empowerment against males, let’s first look inside and question how many of females are against us.

—-

Questions we can ask ourselves before we act and react:

- Who is responsible for my situation?

- Have I done anything to change that situation?

- Has negotiation failed? If yes, should I rebel further?

- Am I being driven or I am driving my life?

- Am I being supportive to other women in similar situations, or worse?

—-

Against or in favour? The classic debate!

This posts as originally published at Women's Web: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/02/do-women-support-other-women/

An Obituary Of The Nation: By Cropped Roots, Chopped Wings And Silenced Voices

Dear Fellow Countrymen,

As I write this down, I am in tears. It gives me a choking discomfort and terrible pain to pen down this obituary. This obituary does not speak of a woman dying a sad death after being raped or tortured, but about the sad demise of humanity amongst a nation of beings with whom live the hundreds of women who have no clue how they are being sucked into a black hole of predators just looking for them to fulfill sexual pleasures; of predators who look for the chance to assert their ‘manly’ power, of predators who smile inside when a female foetus is not allowed birth in this land.

This might be an obituary for many men around you, women too. And sadly, if you read this and look away, this might be an obituary to that little human heart of yours. Therefore, this might be the biggest obituary written in history (read: of the second most populated country in the world); of hoards of men and women, who might feel this is an obituary to them. Because even when you are breathing, you are dead inside. And while the Nation still claims to be highly populated with different categories of Indians, blood sucking Vampires in human form are the ones that make the biggest class, caste and community of this country.

This is your obituary, if one day you told your wife/daughter/daughter-in-law to get her womb tested for determining the Gender (not sex, because before her birth is decided her life) of the baby. This is also your obituary if you tortured a woman for dowry. This is your obituary because you died inside the day you lurked at a woman as a sex object, and yours too if no matter how much you loved your wife, you beat her up at home in order to showcase your masculinity, the strength of being a man – powerful.

This is your obituary too if you as a woman tortured another for not following the gender norms, social rules. This is the obituary of those innumerable men and women who at some point or another didn’t realize that it is their duty to stand up and fight for humanity, womanhood, even if they are not facing anything themselves; after all watching in silence is a crime too.

An obituary of the numerous politicians who fail to recognize what an important issue women’s safety is, who call a woman ‘dented and painted‘ if she makes a choice, who tell women who are sex workers that they are criminals, who think that all women’s issues are not of national importance. This is an obituary to those numerous women who are swimming deep in power, strong enough to shut out the voices in their head, voices of women who are in pain. This is an obituary to those youngsters who find happiness is all about material assets while they walk past that woman who is being tortured by her family, and those who bear the torture thrown upon them too. An obituary of those educated, cultured and so-called high-class people sitting in offices thinking of how to ignore these daily reports of gang rapes, rapes, dowry deaths and suicides of women, yes this is it.

The day you thought that feminism was all about women, you died. The day you thought that those women who fight for their rights can be silenced by being harassed, tortured, abused or raped, you died. The day you thought that a woman is not equal to a man in terms of human rights and freedom, you died. The day you made bread out of a career in this field, silently torturing women around you in your house, you died. The day patriarchy was logical to you, you died. The day you thought that your wife should only be born to feed, reproduce and take care of you, you died. The day you thought that women are the weaker sex, yes, you my friend died.

While Patriarchy crippled us, the National history of women’s movements and support haven’t been of any help either. This is an obituary of the past, the hard work done to create a global uproar by women in this land of hungry monsters, men and women both. This is an obituary of a failed national system of governance, of the law, of the policies, of the family culture and dynamics that fails to teach us as citizens, as humans, the difference between right and wrong, the difference between crime and punishment, the difference between human and evil.

As I write this, I am in a lot of pain. Writing on behalf of those hundreds of women who left this land of living hell to may be a better place far far away, for their voices went with them, for their unspoken pains will never be penned. And as I write, I feel another pain towards those many more who are living in hell here.  I am saddened, also a little disgusted at the sight of those laughing men and women who escape the heinous crimes they commit against women, and at the faces of victory of those who help them escape.

Those policemen who bring shame to women, yes, you are trusted upon the task to protect, and when you do inhuman deeds, I am ashamed. To those hundreds of lawyers, doctors, teachers, politicians, bureaucrats, parents, management gurus, celebrities, and yes media professionals, sadly this is an obituary of the educated, polished, looked-up-to (down by me) you.

Dharnas for issues as low as demanding a certain person to walk away from his job seem to be taking over the freedom movements of women. While the media can’t stop talking about the baby of a celebrity, the woman who was brutally raped by 12 men, and one who was killed seems to be an issue of less national importance. Today, this is an obituary of all those moments where the media and people have let us down. This is an obituary, of not one or two but those unaccounted men and women around who think women’s rights and issues concerned are not of immediate importance.

Sadly, this will remain just another piece of a voice among those many different voices that are being shouted from the corner of every village, town and state of India. When a woman is killed somewhere, or tortured, a little part of humanity dies every second. This is a sad reminder that India has become a land where economy takes over human rights, where people fight for a statement made by an opponent before they fight for a raped woman, where she is just another case dumped in the pile of files in a court, making her life worth nothing more than a few sessions of court room drama.

Do I rest my case or is my Case adjourned? This is my obituary to a dying, prosperous land which is economically growing but somewhere has become hollow inside. While you read this, yet another rape case, a case of suicide of a woman will be making headlines. I wonder how do you sleep?

May your soulless bodies Never Rest in Peace.

This post was originally published at Women's Web: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/violence-against-women-india/

Women, Contraception & Issues of Access-Usage-Rights

She was all of 22 year old. Four daughters already, two abortions done, I thought I should ask her how it felt to have been pregnant literally all the time since she had been married off. But before I could, her tear-filled eyes looked at me, her lips tried to (fake a) smile, and she said, “This is what women are born for after all. Isn’t it?” I had no answer.

It wasn’t literally that I had none. Somehow I could have used all my textbook based knowledge and my dose of empathy to make her understand that she was worth more than that. That she was powerful. That she was more than a baby-producing machine. That she had rights. But suddenly at that moment, I was completely numb. I had nothing to say. I realized how every system, every policy, every initiative, every organization had failed at that very moment for me.

Do I sound a little hopeless? I had to be. I had no other choice that moment. This issue was more complicated than it looked. What were the problems? Was it Patriarchy and Women’s Status? Or was it access to contraception? Decision making? Or Maternal Health Care? Male-heir desperation? What was it?

On my way back, her strong words kept on resonating in my mind and all I could feel was a sudden rush, an uncontrollable feeling of hatred towards society. People call me emotional with respect to my work. They say I should be more practical. But wasn’t the first reason I joined such a work force that I wanted my emotions to become a passion? I had a hundred thoughts and as the sun started setting, the cold breeze seemed to hit me harder than it usually did.

Issues of Family Planning go way beyond the number of babies. It encompasses the awareness of contraception, rights to make that choice on using one, it entails the issues of maternal and child care, it entails patriarchy and control over bodies, it involves issues of infection, HIV and Violence Against Women. It’s much more than contraception and incentives to get vasectomy or birth control. While the whole system in the country is working towards making people have  control over the production of babies, the lack of empathy has resulted in a flawed policy system where what we have reached today is a point on which we as citizens and humans are better off killing female fetuses and ignoring maternal health.

The fact remains that while an educated strong working urban woman is moving towards using contraception for her own sake, in an average Indian household (let’s not even discuss rural here) a woman still struggles to discuss contraceptive measures to be used by males. She will pop an i-pill or hormonal contraceptive pill rather than ask her husband to use condoms. Condoms have male ego attached to them.

So, when I asked that woman from a very economically progressive yet patriarchal town of a very rich state in India about her view on condoms and birth control, the blank look on her face made me wonder where we are all going wrong, in our struggle to make the country control the over-production of babies.

Questions remain: Will a woman show that she knows her contraceptives well? Will she tell her male counterparts that she is bothered about her health and so should he be? Will she go ahead and buy condoms for him to use? Will she be respected for her interest in use of condoms for birth control and also infections? Will a man value his partner’s opinion on contraception, let her choose what she wants rather than ego-stabbing his opinions on her? Will Contraception become more than a man’s decision and a choice that both take together? The point is that while men on the one hand expect to rule the woman, force her to do what he wants in bed, expecting an average Indian man to make balanced choices keeping his female counterpart in mind is going a little too far right now.

All this takes me back to my Physiology lessons where we did a project on Contraception in my B.Sc days and we explored the various methods and means, did we understand the theory and practicality to use them? The issues of negotiating, of decision making and of rights vs access are something that still remain untaught to women and men out there. Indians don’t appreciate talking about bedrooms publicly but somewhere the urgent need of the hour is to start talking about things as crucial as contraception, sex education, menstruation and pregnancy-childbirth-menopause.

Her eyes still haunt me when I see women like her around. And till date, I don’t have any answer to give to any woman who comes and asks me what to do to stop her husband from asking her to pull out baby boys from her uterus. I can never forget those eyes. Not until I find an answer, a solution.

This Post was originally published at Women's Web: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/women-contraception-usage-rights-india/

Women, Travel & Safety: A Personal Account

“Don’t travel after 6.”

“Take the Women’s Cell number, store it on your speed dial.”

“Put that app on your smartphone.“

“Don’t travel alone.”

“Inform us every time you get out of the hotel.”

“Where are you now?”

“Why didn’t you pick my call?”

—–

I am expressionless. Every single time I plan travel, for work, study or fun, these questions are thrown at me by my parents and other loved ones around. Earlier, as a young girl they used to annoy me; a few years later, I understood their anxiety and now, I am mostly in the ‘same answer for every question’ mode. As a single woman who loves traveling, who wants to witness more of her own country than she sees the world, these questions come as a mood spoiler. I understand their pain, I see the worry, I know I would react like this had I been in their shoes, but then somewhere I don’t get it.

There was this story recently about a married woman being raped by the staff in a high end resort in Kerala, where she was on a work trip. And then, only today I read about this tourist in Puducherry who was raped multiple times by some 12-15 men in groups of two after being kidnapped from a Christmas party she was attending with some friends. And then a story of a woman raped by police officers in a police station. There have been many stories, one every day, acting like a hair raiser for me.

I travel alone. Mostly. And when I do that, I see this worried look on my mothers face. I don’t blame her. Given the times in which we live, India especially doesn’t look safe for any woman. Be it me as a citizen, or any friend as a tourist, the questions that surround us while we travel in India (even abroad sometimes) are more to do with safety than anything else. I remember that day on the beach in Sri Lanka when a man looked at me with leering eyes trying to signal to me in broad day light. I also clearly remember every single person in villages in India telling me to not get out of my room or house after 6 pm/dark. I also remember how I was being followed by a group of men in Orissa. I remember that cold night in Madhya Pradesh and my hostel warden telling me to not open the door for anyone, anyone! I remember that dark night in Patna and a shared auto ride I took to my guesthouse that still gives me gooseflesh. I remember those auto drivers who try to act smart. I remember being mistaken for a foreigner in my own country, leered at even more.

These are memories I carry with me on every next trip I go on, especially alone. Harsh as they sound, they have made me stronger and somewhat more vigilant every next time. But every single time I look back, I realize how something serious might have happened, how I just escaped a major life changing moment, how I was lucky enough, how I live in a country where every day I read stories of girls being molested in their homes, of women being raped while on the move, of tourists being subjected to violence and all I see is every incident flash before my eyes where I survived.

Do I have any gyan to share? No. Was I just lucky? Maybe. But the truth is that safety has been a big question that remains unanswered for every woman who plans to travel in India. (I know I sound a little too much against my own country but having travelled to other countries, I know the difference in level of safety.) Situations and questions are not the same when I am in other countries. My parents are a little less scared, the deadlines for being home are a little more flexible and even if I miss a few calls from them, they don’t panic very easily. Their reaction, “Beta, India is India. We know it’s very unsafe here.”

Unsafe in my own home? Maybe that’s the irony we face. I meet women abroad who are smug at the thought to coming to India post the December 16th incident. I stand there with a straight face while my patriotic spirit and reality check tear my heart and mind out and I become numb instead of fighting to give an answer. I know the flaws India has with respect to travel and safety for women. I know I live in a country where if a woman is raped at 4 am, instead of questioning the rapist, all fingers are pointed towards the victim and her character with respect to her being out of home at 4 am. I know I live in a country where safety has nothing to do with being an Indian or a foreigner, with being single or married, with being out on work or leisure, with being on a secluded road or being in a ‘safe’ high-end resort. The safety net seems non-existent.

But what should be the takeaway from these short incidents I carry? Should I stop traveling? Should I let fear take over me and stop me from experiencing my own country? Should I, being a single woman, only travel with my husband after I get married? No. I won’t let anyone fall for that. I have learnt to live with the questions that are thrown at me and I hate to see the worry, but do I expect the system to change soon? No. The situation is getting worse everyday with one or other woman being raped.

Travel and safety are not an agenda for any political party anywhere. The Women’s Cell seems like a useless structure to rely on. What do we have now? Smartphone applications to rely on? What about those women who don’t have cellphones and those places where internet reception is still a question? Speed dials, run for life, learn martial arts, keep pepper spray… do we have anymore survival tricks? The focus remains on from the victim’s side to save herself and not on changing the criminal angle. The reality is that law has failed women every time.

Violence against women is a broad term and while I survive each time, I wonder every single time I am out, if this is it. I am not worried about myself as much as I feel worried for those many women who face these issues along with me. When will the situations change? When will we come out of a phase where traveling for women can be stress free?

Do I sound extreme? Maybe, but this is my personal account. Till then, all I can hear while I am out is “Beta, take care of yourself” while I try to shut out those flying kisses being thrown at me and those leering eyes that literally strip every woman they see. The question remains, is ignoring the only solution we have?

Pic credit: Moyan Brenn (Used under a Creative Commons license

This article was originally published at Womens Web: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/women-travel-safety-india/

Beauty, Botox and Breasts: Who Defines Perfection?

A few weeks ago I had come across a news report on a man who sued his ‘beautiful’ wife for producing a really ‘ugly’ daughter and came to know during court trials that his wife was all Botox beauty. Artificially enhanced that all her looks were, she had not informed the husband on any of the procedures she had undergone to become what she was. The statement that really struck me in the news report was how he called their daughter, ‘so ugly –hard to even look at’. And while the proceedings of the court took place, the reality was revealed and he won the case.

On the other hand, just few days ago I saw this video clip where it was shown how technology is being used since years to show women’s bodies as perfect (defined as one with no bulges, no stretch marks, no freckles). The video brought out how media and photography have shaped the images of women in my head, many of which are not even real i.e. software enhanced to suit the eye and made appealing. The reality is that these are what are termed as ‘acceptable’ now, with women and men craving for ‘size zero’ and ‘perfect model-like’ bodies, some even dying in the process of aiming to achieve this perfection.

These two very different but linked stories made me wonder on the concepts of ‘defining’ the words that surround our world; words like beauty, perfection, fair, flawless…so many definitions surround our world and while every day women crave to be called ‘beautiful’, I wonder what reason makes one crave for appreciation with respect to looks. The sudden explosion of beauty clinics (parlours too) makes me question the hidden emotion even more. It is not that I am not one of their customers but then where does one stop and label it as enough?

Let’s not even get started on concepts ofFairness and Flawlessness. Media, Marketing, Movies.. these three seem to have ruled the imaging process of women, in their own eyes (more than in the eyes of their male counterparts). Let’s start with Movies first. Be it any film industry anywhere in the world, the imaging process has been huge (and we talk with respect to looks here). Dark is not beautiful, fair is in. Those perfect bodies, perfect curves, sexy toned legs are more looked at by men, winning the hearts of the heros rather than the heavier ones with stretch marks or a scratch on her face. We all know how today female actresses a little on the heavy side are shunned by the industry, made fun of by the media. Vidya Balan and Sonakshi Sinha are breaking these stereotypes but Madhuri Dixit and Sridevi are looking at things like Botox for making their beauty last. Believe it or not, freckles are being frowned upon and those who can afford it are rushing to clinics to get themselves looking like timeless classics. Size C is more acceptable than a size A, don’t worry- get breast implants. On the hand while I say this, I know it’s a very personal choice but as we go back to the start of this article, it is nowhere bringing women closer to reality..

Media and Marketing go hand in hand. While we all look at those toned bodies endorsing male shaving products and get seduced by the fragrance of male deodorants, we wonder if this works in real life. While it has been creating a sexual image of women since ages, what I see is that for women it has the psychological effect of them disliking their reality and trying to achieve what is being depicted. Many waste a major chunk of their lives living these lies, trying to be what they are not. Using technological knives and tools to enhance pictures and then showcasing it as reality for the masses, makeup and technological makeup create an illusion that is way different from the truth. Being fit is important but becoming anorexic, injecting our bodies with chemicals just to look picture perfect is going a little overboard. As I said earlier, where do we stop?

Our media is funny. We talk about how a particular actress looks too bloated after pregnancy, how another one looks like she is on a no-food diet. The media creates images which look perfect. We forget that nobody can be the same and that bodies vary biologically, genetically and psychologically. Our matrimonial ads showcase this gruesome reality – how fair, slim and tall is all that is acceptable. Looks matter more than the person. And in our struggle to achieve those perfect images, the essence of life is somewhere lost.

I don’t know what is right for everyone. I know that drawing a line is very crucial. I know everybody cannot have a 36-24-36 figure and neither can everybody have the same face they had at 25 at the age of 40. In our struggles to achieve those, what is happening is that we are shaping coming generations with the values of ‘looks’ and not ‘depth’.

Botox, Beauty and Boobs are not synonymous. Valuing this statement is very important. We all know beauty is in the brain, and beauty is being natural, but do we really follow that? The anxiety of appealing physically to others and most importantly, the self, has made women insecure, unsure and too dependent on artificial enhancements. I know that these thoughts vary from one to another but for me, being comfortable in my own self, imperfect body, freckled face is what perfection is all about. Ageing is reality, and we need to cherish that. It is just how we see it. Isn’t it?

This article was originally published on Women's Web at: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/women-quest-for-perfection/

The ‘Bai’ Phobia

There was Radhika, then Manju, then her sister Anju, Sajanoor and now we have Chavvi. These names might vary for everyone but it’s a usual story that we have house-helps existing in Indian cities and towns (even villages). And so has been the story of my house where house helps have come and gone. Some stayed for longer duration than the rest, and some came and were quickly gone.

What is it that makes them so special in Indian homes? They become even more important if we are talking about the homes of working women. Why is it that today the mere word, ‘House-Help’ starts up a conversation that is longer than women discussing their marital issues, children troubles and nagging mother-in-law problems. Call her ‘Bai’, ‘Kaamwali’, ‘Aunty’ or anything – her absence shatters the very functioning of a house in India, and she for that matter knows it well.

And I am not writing here to crib about my maid-woes. Nor am I trying to tell anyone why they have the power to shatter the daily functioning of any home in India. I write this piece while sitting in a café in Delhi surrounded by a group of kitty-party women (not trying to demean) trying to discuss how the absence of the ”household maid” breaks the smooth functioning of their household’s daily routine.

What irritates me is not the mention or the topic of discussion but the very tone of the ladies (educated as they appear) on how their maids forgot to: switch off the fan, wash the cleaning cloth, took leave because her son was unwell (since 5 days) and what not.  Now I don’t like eavesdropping but the loud tone grabbed my attention and here I am thinking how at every place I have seen the disrespect given to household maids. It took me back to my lessons in Women’s Studies yet again, where we spoke about the unorganized women’s labour sector. It took me back to the days where I have seen my own mother getting irritated on the endless leaves our maid took. It also took me back to the recent news report I read on house helps being beaten to death by upper middle class women.

A nerve in my head has an issue with everything going around these days. And while I sit down and work as a United Nations Volunteer on Women’s Economic Empowerment, I realize how seldom is it that people who discuss all these issues surrounding women’s labour on global platforms, TV channels and amongst their own communities consider their own house-helps any human.  I have seen women activists discussing maid-woes. I have seen housewives do it, working women do it. I see it in my family where the absence of the maid means a one hour long discussion on the phone. While yes, we pay them for their services, the absence of respect and any human feeling towards them makes their lives even more miserable.

And while I write this, I agree that there are a few cases where these house helps, no matter how good you treat them have been a pain to handle. But, the sad reality is that the issues are more deep-rooted and imbalanced than they seem to us. Imagine this: A woman migrates from the village in Bengal/Bihar/Orissa/UP/Nepal-Bangladesh to the savvy city of Delhi/Mumbai. While they start living in slums, they see their husbands get into gambling/drinking/drugs. They have the burden on them to manage the house. With four kids to be brought up, they struggle to manage their work and home all alone. And while all this happens, they have no support structure to take care of their children, their homes while they are gone from 7 am to 8-9 pm every day. Living in a city is after all not a joke. With these challenges, getting their kids into school is beyond a point to be even considered. For many, their daughters are drawn early into the business of being house-helps, many of whom, either elope with boys from the slum or get married early or are abused by the males in the houses they work in.

This is the story of seven out of ten women I have interacted with personally. If you dig deeper you realize the kind of challenges they face by coming to the city and working in such lavish houses, trying to not get tempted by the amazing things they see around. And while I know many of you people out there will try to bring the other side by telling that there are many who are thieves, who lie and take endless leaves, who demand more money than they deserve, here is my answer to you. Yes. That’s also a reality that exists and I am not denying it while presenting this story.

While the absence of these individuals leads to imbalance in the house, their presence needs to be respected as well. Calling them names, beating them, scolding them, and worse killing them is not what a civilized society should be all about. I see such perfectly dressed and English-speaking women with children in public schools talking to their house helps with such disrespect and an inhuman tone that it breaks my heart to see where education is taking us. Wearing diamond-studded jewellery and carrying branded bags isn’t after all the goal that education should be looking towards. And that is precisely where we are heading.

The lack of any strong policy and sheer absence of labour laws for house-helps as they are the unorganized sector makes the situation even worse. I am not preaching anything here. I have taught my house maids, giving them lesson on basic maths-hindi-writing names. My personal deep interactions with them have made me realize how difficult it is getting day by day to make them realize that education is more important than anything, even money. They see the same job for their daughters and sons. No aspirations exist beyond getting the daughter married. No education what-so-ever. She is a helping hand to her mother and no matter how much she is tempted to study, she never gets it.

Where is it that our responsibility as educated citizens lies? How is it that we working/non working, educated women with resources need to put our foot down and start a new wave of thinking? How is it that we not only start respecting them for the services they give us but promote them to educate their kids for a better lifestyle? Why is it that we need to move beyond the slavery syndrome that India has a history of and start a new wave of liberation? Education isn’t creating any change but moral-civic values need to make it happen.

An educated working lady once told me, “Don’t put ideas into my maid’s head. If she is on leave, her daughter does my work. If her daughter starts going to school, who will do my work?” Needless to say, we are so selfish in the way we see our own things getting completed that what we are creating is a future of uneducated labour who don’t know their rights at all. All for our own selfish reasons and motives.

As a woman who works in the Development Sector (and sees many in the same sector being value-less), I think change has to start from us. I mean, imagine how much the society will grow if we start saying no to child labour, if we start giving the rights the maid is entitled to (four days leave a month), if we think rationally for society and not selfishly for our own betterment. I am not advocating any mentality to be a better one, I am just trying to say that if our house stops working because of them, isn’t it their right to be a little respected and cared for? Just a thought! Empowering the dis-empowered should be what empowerment is all about. Cycle of change! Think about it.

(This article was originally published at Women's web: http://www.womensweb.in/2013/11/bai-the-lifeline-of-indian-households/