Action & Reaction: How would a woman react if she is the victim?

“I was around 20 years old, young and still in college. Starting to make up a career in Development Sector. The reason being the very passion towards people, equality and humanity, I knew I had chosen a path that would make me happy from my core. Little did I know, that there are predators waiting for girls like me to fall in the web of seduction? Little did I know that the career I was selecting for the reason that it was “all about humanity”, was in real as dirty as it can get.” she said. And all I had was questions in my head as I saw her tears roll down her red cheeks.  All I had were hazy images of men looking at my breasts as I spoke to them instead of talking to my face. All I had were the hazy voices in my ears on the many remarks I had heard walking down the lanes of villages in India. I realized, how every woman is at the same point, how everyone is scared to react and fight back.

The Tehelka debate and the presence of Sexual Harassment at work place has raised some very critical questions for all of us.  It is not something new. It has been happening. Hush-Hush as it may be, what the Tehelka issue has done is brought it into the open. Nobody can run away from the fact that it is not just the Media sector where this is happening. But I am not here talking about the issue. I believe it is important for us to discuss why and how has this act affected the victim, and many more victims who have gone through the same situation time and again, only that they never gathered the courage to come and speak out in public.

The victim here, even being a journalist is finding it tough to survive the acquisitions and the torture after the original torturous act (RAPE). Her family is being threatened to step back, her emails are being circulated all over and her identity is out, so is her character being questioned. This reminds me of a movie dialogue where they said that a rape victim is raped multiple times at the court as she fights for her rights. That being a reality in India, social repercussions of her coming out and fighting for her rights are making her life miserable. Also, shunning many other women to speak up against the tortures happening with them, though promoting a few too initially. We have to accept the fact that here the victim is an educated women who knows her rights. Which is a rare thing in India where many a women have no clue about what they are not entitled to go through (read: Domestic Violence, Marital Rape etc). We also have to accept to the fact that reason why this case is so widely being discussed is because it involves a high profile Media Professional who has a history of reporting rights and wrongs. That being said, my question to myself is, will this be done if it is a case of a young dalit girl being abused by her employer in a village area? No right? How many times have we heard about a case from a local area in similar way? It’s a rare possibility for it to even come out as a news report in a newspaper column. And however irrational my debate here might sound, to me every woman is equal and needs protection and safety net developed, environment conducive enough for her to stand up for her rights.

On one hand while this is happening, on the other hand, we as a world are talking about 16 days of Activism for Violence Against Women (VAW).  The slogans “Color your world Orange” and “Stand for the cause of Violence Against Women” are all over everywhere. To me however, they make little sense, as it is only saying and no action. There are laws, there are systems, there are NGOs-National Commission for Women-UN etc. And while all these systems exist in India, the only place where we fail is our social structure. The fact that it would be a social disgust if a woman comes out and shares how she was violated, how her body was targeted makes it impossible for any commission, any NGO to function properly. Little done than said? The end result: ineffective and failed systems and policies.

Fast track courts and FIRs happen at a later stage i.e. once a woman has filed a case. What to me is a question is the point where a woman has to decide weather or not she will file the case or speak up? And that is the point where she thinks about the repercussions on her family, on her own future. And that is the point where I know that maximum women give up and happily live with the fact that there is no point fighting for it. She would fake a smile, be scared to travel yet do it, look at every colleague and employer with suspicion while she dresses to avoid any direct attack on her (because society thinks its to do with dressing).

And while I discuss this, lets go back to where we started. The story of it happening in Development Sector tells us how Action isn’t present even in the place where much is being talked about it. If a place that talks about action is a ground for such activities to happen, how do you expect a woman to react? How do you expect a woman to fight back? What will she do if the very people who are supposed to be helping her fight back are the ones doing the crime? When is it that enough is enough?

With all this and many more thoughts in my head, I sleep to wake up with hope that things would be better. But will they be if we don’t start the process at home itself? Will policies be effective if our judicial system fails to recognize the severity of the crime, the prevelance and so something strong about it rather than making the victim’s character societally raped by many a multiple times? Will it happen unless families of the criminal stop protecting them from it? Will it happen until we start doing what we preach & teach to all?

Be the change? Yes, very inspirational. But how far can one survive? Do we have positive stories to learn from? I am as clueless as any woman but I know that if things have to change, this is the time. Or its never going to happen. Support the victims around you, save yourself from becoming one, fight for every woman who faces this because it’s a Global cause and not just “her”story.

Of Palaces, Mythologies and Images Women carry

“Indian Mythologies and (nearly) all religions demean women. How can you out of all the women I know be religious”, said a male friend with whom I was debating about religion since past two hours. We sat at the Indian Restaurant in the most Global city in the world (New York) discussing our Indian roots and their impact on women. This was just after the December (2012) Delhi Rape incident had taken place. And we were just reacting like any other Indian sitting anywhere on the globe was.

And then, here I was in August 2013 sitting and watching episodes of Mahabharata (the popular Indian Mythology dramatized on TV again) thinking how women have been portrayed in popular TV, Magazines, Films, Advertisements and yes, books. This thought had taken me back to that and many more discussions of my life where I was debated with, agreed along by friends and acquaintances on portrayal of women everywhere around us. Suddenly, everything seemed wrong as I struggled with finding roots of the multiple problems women face in even today’s progressive times.

Being a Hindu (by birth) doesn’t define my opinion about religion at all. I question and have questioned my parents, elders and even pandits at every point I have found illogical to me. From why a girl cannot light her parents pyre to why is it that during Mensuration women are not allowed to enter the temple. Who defines all this? When I look back, this debate takes me to my Women Studies class on Manu Smriti (is the most important and earliest metrical work of the Dharmasastra textual tradition of Hinduism) who defined rules of action and laws of work for every person on the earth, shaped the way Women are to be looked at in society, their roles and rules of conduct thereby defined.

Lets take a few for example from the Manusmriti text:

-       “Swabhav ev narinam …..” – 2/213. It is the nature of women to seduce men in this world; for that reason the wise are never unguarded in the company of females.

My Question: How do we see it today? Women are taken as mere objects of seduction. They are portrayed as mere objects.

-       “Matra swastra ………..” – 2/215. Wise people should avoid sitting alone with one’s mother, daughter or sister. Since carnal desire is always strong, it can lead to temptation.

Thought: And yes, is that the reason why no man feels strong enough to control his desire in front of women and ends up raping them????

-        “Shudram shaynam……” – 3/17. A Brahman who marries a Shudra woman, degrades himself and his whole family, becomes morally degenerated , loses Brahman status and his children too attain status  of shudra.

Thought: I have always questioned caste system but this one is beyond my understanding. And till date, we accept that? (I know cities are changing but we know why Honor Killings are prevalent even in today’s India)

-       “Mrshyanti…………….” – 4/217. One should not accept meals from a woman who has extra marital relations; nor from a family exclusively dominated/managed by women or a family whose 10 days of impurity because of death have not passed.

Thought: And who defines this? Who is anybody to define the moral conduct of a woman and her interaction with others. If rules are rules, they should be for all: both men & women. (However, these don’t make any sense to me).

-       “Balye pitorvashay…….” – 5/151. Girls are supposed to be in the custody of their father when they are children, women must be under the custody of their husband when married and under the custody of her son as widows. In no circumstances is she allowed to assert herself independently.

Thought: And how does our world see the women who are independent? As characterless, as somebody who is breaking norms. Is she appreciated? No.

-       “Asheela  kamvrto………” – 5/157. Men may be lacking virtue, be sexual perverts, immoral and devoid of any good qualities, and yet women must constantly worship and serve their husbands.

Thought: Wow, and if you are still wondering how “Mera Pati Mera Bhagwan” dialogue comes from in all the movies, here is your answer.

-       “Ya to kanya…………….” – 8/369. In case a woman tears the membrane [hymen] of her Vagina, she shall instantly have her head shaved or two fingers cut off and made to ride on Donkey.

Thought: The classical virginity issue. Have we ever wondered who has implanted these thoughts in the minds of Indian men? Here is your answer.

The more I read about Indian women and roots of our problems this is where I land on. Our religions have defined how our society has looked upon the women of the land, their rules and regulations, their doings and undoings, their sanctity and survival in this world where “Men define the rules”. And while I write this, I am conscious enough that we have a category of men and women who don’t follow it, but lets agree on the fact that this category is very small in proportion to define the societal norms, especially in rural India. And as I write this, I also give another disclaimer to those who think its just Hinduism that degrades women. I have seen texts of origin in Muslims too. For me, the whole ideologies that these religions are based on are a slap to the very existence of women in the society. If your religion tells you, you need a son to light your pyre after death or you wont gain Moksha (salvation), why wont you kill female fetuses and infants in order to fulfill your desire for a son. When your religion tells you that a woman cannot enter the temple or kitchen premises during her “that time of the month”, why wont even women around her make her feel impure and unhealthy to touch pickles? Justified? Not to me.

Our religion has shaped our society and thinking of the beings. Of these beings have arrived the people who have made tele-serials, movies, advertisements and written stories and books. The scripting has happened in such a way that the end product is in front of us. We have written the fate of women in such a way that all we see around today is rape, domestic violence, female foeticides, work-space harassment, and many more severe and less severe crimes against women. I feel happy seeing a change around when a woman becomes the CEO, when a woman becomes a Police officer, when a woman steps out and does something beyond what is expected behavior for her. Change is happening, but change is slow with respect to rising inhuman acts against women.

In today’s time, we are in need of “re-scripting”. We need to redesign the way women are looked at, redefine the boxed norms she is expected to live her life with, reshape her future. The whole decades and hundreds of years old script prewritten for every woman needs a re-scripting, done by her, individually, as she wants. And in that process, revivals in the way stories are told needs to happen. We need more movies on liberated successful women, more novels depicting women as choice makers for themselves, more tele-serials where women move beyond dressing dolls and kitchen roles. I think it is for a woman to define what kind of role she wants: in kitchen, or at a desk instructing people. Choices being personal, nothing is demeaning, nothing should be forced.

Lets Re-script!

This (a shorter version of this post) was originally posted on Women's Web (the online magazine) at 
http://www.womensweb.in/2013/11/religions-on-women/

Marriage & What Men Want

“The struggle exists, at every level”, said a friend to me.

And there began my quest to get into his shoes and understand what is going on in the man’s mind. Now, Lets be honest. Everyone thinks its hard to decipher a woman’s mind but I must tell you its no joke for a woman to understand what goes in a man’s head too. A lot of books have been written to understand the opposite gender (not sex) but to me this particular instance with a friend threw a lot of light on this aspect being never discussed.

Confused? Well. Lets reverse the story a little. I have a lot of friends who are getting into the “married” tag and during a discussion with one of my friend who is planning to get married too I realized that need for a daughter-in-law is often being challenged by the need for a wife. With the changing times (haha! Women stepping out for work), a man finds himself being questioned at every level just like a woman does. A lot of articles have talked about how the dual burden on women is taking a toll on them, on how women are out there taking the lead while handling homes too, on how women often are mistaken and how men need to be more supportive and help empower the gender and participate in creating a gender balanced society but I have nowhere read what issues a man faces at this point where on one hand he is trying to do what he has been told he was born for (support his parents) and on the same level have a wife who has an opinion., for whom her choices and points of view matter.

My recent stints with a lot of friends (males) who are planning to get married made me realize that they want a wife who has limited exposure. And while I question this very point of view, I recently realized that the problem is very much in upbringing. I mean, imagine this: a son is born in a family after two daughters and he has been pampered like he is some God. Since childhood he has been taught that he has to take care of the family and he is also given the best of education at the best of B-schools in India/abroad. While he gets a job, he meets this amazing colleague who is gorgeous, has a strong opinion and knows how to take the lead. He likes her, but what are the chances that he will marry her? The debate is not weather the girl will do household chores or not. The debate is that for him, getting a wife who knows her rights well into a house where girls are not even considered as humans brings him to a point where at every level he reconsiders his choices, his likes and his future.

And believe me, there are many men out there who question this every time they think about future. Its not that women who are homemakers aren’t being questioned, but those who are aware definitely need more energy to be molded. The debate is, does he want a girl who will be the ideal bahu or does he want an amazing wife. And while chances are that many women will end up being both, there is a strong chance that he fails in what he decides leading to an unhappy married life, a daily drama.

I write this article as a woman who is a strong supporter of gender balance. I have grown up from being a daughter to a rebel to feminist to a human rights activist. And, trust me, I know there is a thin line between adjustment and sacrifice in marriage, I very well know that the lines are often crossed by both the partners in order to make it work.

So, as a man, if I find myself at a point where I need to balance the beta and pati angles in my life, I know I will be as confused as any woman will be struggling to find her stand in the debate. And this, today has reached a point where the very sanctity of marriage is being questioned because nobody of the two partners seem to find their stand to it.

I give it to the Indian society again which has raised sons and daughters in a way where they have to obey their elders rather for standing up for what they feel is right, logically. I mean, I know truth is very situational and right is very personal but I don’t think that our culture or society has anyway succeeded in raising their children to be logical.  We do what our parents will like, our inlaws will appreciate and society wont consider as alien. And while we have our exceptions, a majority of us still dwindle with this ‘what to do’ wrt marriage.

Currently, a lot of my male friends are also married. And I know how they dwindle with the saas-bahu drama. I know that they married these enterprising young women because they wanted to and now the only debate is the imbalance in personal life, the son-husband sides are creating havoc in their lives. I also know a lot of men who are planning to get married and when they look at this situation, they are scared rather than prepared for the future they will have as choices vs duties situations pop out.

Do I have an advice? No. Do I have an ending to this thought of mine? No. Do I see a root problem? Yes. But can we solve it? Maybe. Stepping in a man’s shoes (haha! This time literally) I realized that there are a lot of struggles that even a man goes through that make him question his choices vs his duties. But at the end what is important? Happiness? Peace? Pick your choice, have a decision, you might fail but then atleast you will be satisfied that it was your decision. Finding happiness after all, which is a state of mind, isn’t that easy.

May God Bless all the men around!

This post was originally posted on Women's Web (the online women magazine) at http://www.womensweb.in/2013/10/what-men-want-from-marriage/

Under the Sheets: Hidden Realities & Hypocrisy of Indian Society

It really pains my heart to pen down why I consider the Present Indian Social situation is quite a bottom rock. The Media seems to be flooded with such interesting yet shameful cases that present a very shitty face of India to the world. On one hand while we brought out the Spiritual Baba & Sex Scandal out in open, on the other hand we saw the real pervert face of somebody who used to advocate the cause of women empowerment, the cause of right & wrong. On one hand we are taking about the judgment where parents were charged of killing their own daughter, on the other hand the Supreme Court comes out with a verdict where Homosexuality and Gay Sex is termed as Illegal. As a youth of this country, what does this reflect?

We have since ages been a country of hypocrites. While we are the land where the Kamasutra originated, we have ever since shunned the idea of taking about sex openly, terming it as a “Western” concept. We as Politicians are corrupt while point fingers at the other candidates, framing them in wrong cases just to gain power ourselves. We as Media professionals show the true colors of people while holding mirrors in front of their faces, talking about how the country is facing crime, power & politics overdose while on the other hand, we ourselves are involved in sexual harassment at work place (read Tehelka debate), corruption and power overdose (read Nira Radia- 3G case) and money mafia (Read Zee TV and JSPL Debate). We as society and traditional propagators talk about sanctity of women, preaching baba’s and swami’s bringing to us the do’s and don’ts of every gender while we use minor girls as sex objects, eat money from influential people to build lavish palaces as we show the world how gyani and sant we are. We as an economy talk about the rising jobs, employment rates, new enterprises coming up where we as a developing nation fail to fulfill the global agenda of Child & Maternal Mortality Rate, Female Foeticide, Violence Against women and even the basic issues of Nutrition & Hunger. What does this reflect?

As a young woman in Development Sector, to me this is a shameful reality I fail to answer every single time I look in the eyes of a woman from another nation questioning me why my land is great. This is the face of Indian Society where what we preach and what we teach vary. Where we talk about roots and age old cultural values but fail to deliver the Right, based on equality and justice. Where we blame the western media and over influence of Internet, porn and global world for the rising crimes against women but fail to reflect and see the fact that Violence has always existed in the society, unreported as it was its out in open now. Where we talk about change but fear it at the same time. What does this reflect?

Hidden under the sheets lie the realities of our roots and the fruits that we are bearing today. Can we talk about behavior change unless we change the very nature the system works? Who is accountable? As a youth who is clueless in a country like this isn’t going abroad a better option than trying to mend the rusted skeleton of the Indian Society? I can’t blame people for going out and abusing the country for being useless, but am I the youth who is ready to make that change? Are you the one who is ready to unveil the very reality of your own self? Time for change, but will it happen till we act like hypocrites?

Picture Courtesy: Self

As I drive, around (my) city

Delhi oh Delhi, 

You are a pain in my belly

With traffic as high as the crime 

I can't love u anymore, not this time 

I feel like running away from the maddening crowd, 

It's so polluted, it's so loud 

I don't even know why I m here till now, 

I go n come back, back n forth I bow

People around r getting on my nerves, 

No sense of rules, all around pervs

Let's not even talk about the power game, 

No hard work pays fruit, what works is just the name 

I sing this painful abode as I drive back home, 

With men staring at me, people breaking rules, how can I calmly roam.. 

I dream of a place where life could b at peace, 

Where I could feel free, breathe at ease. 

With absolutely no words to end this painful tale, 

I take a leave, with a soul oh so pale..

Band, Baaja & Baraat!

With the most cliched and most used words as I start this post, I am in no mood to bring you the amazing fun that attending weddings can be. I am also in no mood at all to discuss any marriage related issue. As December progresses, weddings around are on a rise. Every year during this time, many people decide to take the "taken" road and therein, what comes as an effect to us the viewers/attendees is a series of get ready-reach-smile-eat and come backs!

I bring to you a personal issue I have been facing. And I see it as a very North-Indian Weddings problem. Having attended some 5 weddings and related events (Sagan, Sagai, Sangeet) recently, I realized how the business of weddings is troubling me as an individual. The D Day, should be the day of the Bride and the Groom and their families (close ones). Instead, the whole day is a social show-off day where everyone gets in their best-dramatic-shoes and acts all cranky and tries of put other off. Please keep in mind that the views here are totally personal and a result of personal experiences. Nothing, absolutely Nothing is exaggerated. Anyhow, lets go point by point here:

1. Oh-the-expenses: I have seen dowry, and then what I see today is a very new version to dowry. The 'BAND' here actually is the act of "Band Bajna" of the Bride's family. If not in cash (which is rare) then in the huge pandaal they have to set up and the feast they have to prepare for some 1500 people. The pre-wedding and wedding expenses are one of the reasons why wedding to me seems like an overrated affair. First comes the jewelry and the trousseau for the bride, the extended family & the groom. The insane gifts for all the ones attending with the crazy cash is next in line. If this wasn't enough, then the lawn-food-decorations burn a hole in the pocket (of both bride & groom if its shared, which is rare) and then after all that is done, 20-200 people still get up and speak shit about how the food wasn't good, the fruits weren't from foreign land, the smell of the carpet was killing and the AC wasn't functioning. Result: Mazaa nahi aaya (didn't enjoy)! Common, imagine what you have to hear if you spent some 1 crore on a party and people say they didn't enjoy it! Bahhh! I would be furious! And talking about how inflation is escalating these days, the amount is higher and higher depending on the expectations. 200 kinds of dishes, bride comes in a paalki, flower-shower as the var-mala happens, special silverware for dinner for bride-groom..the list is never ending. And as this happens, you still wonder why girls are looked up as burden? because even in this age when dowry is a crime, people are still expected (educated even more) to give gifts and cars and cash in weddings of their daughter, as if to give a daughter away wasn't enough!

2. Menace to society? Maybe: While I am personally a fan of weddings and the dancing, the chatting, getting glitzy ready, what to me is a pain is the wastage. Wastage of money- wastage of food- wastage of time (coming-going-sitting their waiting for the baaraat to come) is a never ending list! I have personally been to 5 weddings recently, non of which had the Groom appearing before 10 pm, while most of the guests who have arrived have started panicking. I understand its his day but trust me its not him who doesn't want to arrive early, its the crazy dancers who don't want to stop hitting Mother earth as the groom and bride becomes anxious every second wondering when will they get to see each other. The wastage of food that happens post wedding makes me angry on how much money goes down the bin just because families and society love show-off flashing of money. Imagine how many hungry people in the world could have been fed by the amount. Now I don't suggest everyone to donate their money saved for weddings to some charity, neither do i expect that, but just having a more well planned after wedding system might help feed many people around. Just saying!

3. Oh the Traffic: So this is how the day progresses, you start early just to reach on time and avoid traffic but are still caught in it. You wait 45 minutes on one single stretch of road wondering what to do and more so blaming yourself on why you said yes to attend the wedding, you reach the venue late and still find the baraat not their, you get anxious and cranky, no mood to chit-chat but still have to oblige people, reach home even later and sleep wondering gawd, its terrible to attend weddings in wedding season. You blame the world, family, and even the bride-groom for it, swear things won't be like this when u get married or your daughter does and yet- years later the same happens! Trust me when I say this is common! The never ending traffic on road and traffic in the mind that weddings come with are a stress reason strong enough for anyone to panic! And I have been a victim of both!

4. Social Obligations (Bull Shit!):  Get dressed, put on the best looks, smile and yack till everyone is tired. Some people enjoy it, some don't. To me, they are a social obligation I end up fulfilling unless its a close cousin or friend who is getting hitched. Meeting venue for people whom you haven't met in years or saw when you were little make you wonder how the world functions. I am not a social rebel but when it comes to being asked to guess who this uncle or that aunt is whom I had met when I was 2-4-6 year old is no fun to me. I don't like standing in a tight spot wondering why the hell I came to this distant cousins wedding where majority people I am not related to or know for that matter. And yes, having said that when you are single or studying or doing anything the world thinks is not a norm, the series of questions you are shot with are hilarious! Making you wonder why the hell do you have to go according to norm. Weddings after all are a place to make people uncomfortable and judge them till they give up! You can't afford to make an aunt or grandparent or bua-fufa-mama unhappy because you don't want any bad mouth happen. Result: you just smile and adjust!

5. Are the Bride & Groom Happy?:  The last but the most important thing that makes me dislike North Indian Weddings (I haven't visited a South Indian wedding but I think its pretty similar) is the fact that what should be a day for the couple, the one who are getting hitched becomes a day of everyone else except them. They are the ones who have butterflies in the stomach, literally panicking because they don't want anything to go wrong. The multiple chattering, the uncles doing drunk drama around, the annoyed and angry relatives who thought they weren't treated with respect, the anxious and over exhausted parents of the couple: with all of this around, neither do the bride and groom look happy nor at ease. Everyone wants a picture with them, but I know how mostly they aren't even aware who is getting clicked with them. The day that should be all about them ends up being a day for some 1500 people coming-eating-cribbing and going back. Worst if you are related to some high profile big shots celebs who come and take all the lime-light away from the couple. With cameras clicking and flashing lights, I feel sad for the couple! I am sure they look back at the day with smiles but its just sad at times because they all know it could have been better for them.

And as I pen down my mind here, I know that weddings are awesome! They are fun, they can be a pain but the whole jazz makes one look forward to it. I don't judge anyone who negates all the above and says they enjoyed their wedding too much, but I know deep down something or other had happened. I also know that while I would love a just my close-knit ones around me when I get hitched, the social obligations will make me a victim of the Band-Baaja-Baraat! Fingers crossed! A beach side, personal wedding would be a dream to have!

On a lighter note: Happy Married Life to all those whom I have paid a visit to this Winter! I hope you enjoyed every bit of it, though to me it was a tiring affair! Just to end on a fun note, here is a link to one of the funniest Wedding movie made in Indian Cinema! Its a fun dance bollywood style kickass number, so enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i94eL2W0V0