Mentally Virgin

Recently, while having a discussion with a friend, I suddenly came up with a theory on "what kind of girls men want to marry"??.. Interestingly this concept was in my mind since a long time but what makes me write it down  is the fact that I have tested my hypothesis on a statistically significant number of men of varying age groups, married or unmarried.

Being a researcher, I have this funny habit of finding probability of everything that happens around me in a statistically significant manner. I mean, in simple terms I want to know how possible it is that a particular ideology or characteristic or behavior or act will be repeated by many in similar situations. Lets explain with an example...that help in explaining the theory..

I have a friend circle (of men/boys) who offer me an understanding of a variety of experiences. As I discuss with them their life goals and aspirations, marriage often comes in picture. What is but natural for me is to end up discussing with them "What is the image of the person they want to marry?" (Not in a candid love struck manner but in a more mature and realistic manner)..Interestingly, the lot of my friends is so varied that I have MBA's, IPS, Engineers, Doctors and what not to share with me their image of the right girl they wanna end up with. As a curious social researcher, a somewhat feminist, I dont find anything odd in my questioning this aspect though people might find it bit of irritating..So.. what started as a candid topic with one of the friends a year or more ago has ended up becoming a theory.. theory which I have aptly named as "The Theory of The Mentally Virgin"..

Most men (those studied) were of the belief that while as girl friends they dont mind dating outgoing and outspoken girls, the probability of them marrying a more subtle and introvert girl is high. By that, I dont mean that I believe in the popular belief they want to marry virgins (which is also a truth), but what here they want is that they should get married to someone who is mentally a virgin, untouched by the information world, unaware of her rights (RIGHTS) and wrongs and ready to say YES and NO as he wants..One of my discussions with my friend who is turning an IPS officer went like this:

Me: So..you are thinking of getting married anytime soon?
HIM: Oh yeah..will think once I get placed..
Me: Find someone their at the academy itself..
HIM: Nah.. I don't wanna marry a similar background person.. I think a teacher or someone would be better..
Me: Really?? (Aghast as he is turning an IPS officer soon).. I mean whats wrong with an outgoing and career oriented girl..
HIM: Just that it wont suit me..my career

As you find this discussion subtle..I retested this with many other friends..engineers, CAs, etc etc.. and the point was same.. Oh no! The girl shouldn't be over exposed with ideologies and concepts.. How exciting she may look as an extrovert person, it would be tough when you get along as ego clashes will be normal..So..though on one side I am not generalizing this..But I have come down to the belief that Indian men, no matter how open and extrovert they are, no matter how much they agree with women rights, they don't want a woman who exercises the same ideology with and on them.. They might adore you (You being extrovert, ambitious, career oriented and ideologically strong minded) as a friend, as a buddy.. when it comes to finding a partner, all of them want a family oriented girl.. (Bah! As if You as described cannot be family oriented at the same time).. In Short, they need someone who hasn't been affected by the information explosion that the world has undergone.. who though is aware of stuff but is on the neutral way to life, wanting what is right, right being decided by him before her!

And if you think I am exaggerating, re-test this theory with people around you with men who are strong, have opinions and who are planning to settle down early (Please keep in mind these characteristics while selecting your sample). I am a strong minded girl, career being important for me as my family is.. and this theory isn't a product of my exploration for finding a groom.. its a product of my analysis as a social behavior researcher who likes understanding the unusual and hypocritical behavior that our society beings show..

For those who dont agree with it, please feel free to disagree as I am a naive being still exploring this complex society where I was born..I believe we cannot generalize human behaviors and so.. this theory is purely my experience with men/boys around me and around my friends..

Cheers!

(Thanks to a friend with whom this random candid discussion led to the "Mentally Untouched" term being born!...)

I hate you like I love you!

As I drive to work on the roads so jam packed with hundreds of cars, buses and other vehicles I hear the song "D..D..D...Dilli..Dilli..Dilli..Dilli..Dillliiiii" from the movie "No one killed Jessica" playing on high volume in my car. Though its music makes one feel all pepped up and jump up kinds, the slow traffic makes me wonder how much I am crazy about living in this city.. or am I not? The fact is that maybe I am just too habitual of living in Delhi, the capital of India.

Currently 24, one can say I have spent most (99.9%) of my life living in the city of Delhi. A "Born and Brought up Dilli ki Mundi" is how I call myself and honestly I like the tag. But, to come to think of the reasons as to why I have lived in and loved Delhi, they aren't many. Honestly, being born in a business family with all ancestors in Delhi, I never had much of choice but to live here. Even today I find myself thinking deep as to why I love Delhi so much despite the fact that I have traveled so many places but haven't lived per-say anywhere except Delhi..

The other day, as I sat on the terrace of my house with bird chirping around and honking cars, I jotted down the pros and cons of being a Delhi-ite (in my mind).. I love the fact that I was born and brought up in the Capital city of country where every-bloody-thing you think of is so accessible. It lies in the heart of the land of India with people all over the country dying to come to either work, for leisure or study. Living in Delhi has made me an independent yet grounded person. There are specifics we have like "Juggad" which every person in Delhi understands very well.. No matter what religion, language, color or creed, if you have lived in Delhi you have used "Juggad" at some or the other point for your own good. Another thing I adore is the open space..you have so many places where you can experience different kinds of adventures..Eat & Shop is in blood for a Delhi-ite..and so is bargain & short-cuts.. I enjoy every bit of the city..lifestyle, fashion, ethnicity, culture, monuments, architecture, history, food, roads,...nearly everything!

Ahh...So..Do I love Delhi a lot? Am I a person who if taken out from the city will die out in pain just like the so many friends of myn living & working in different parts of the country & world? Will I also become one of those who write their facebook status as "God I miss Delhi" once a while? Wil I also post pictures of my days in Delhi and make a sad smiley stating how much I loved living in Delhi??? Honestly, the story is incomplete until I write down the cons!

As a young woman in Delhi, I have always felt unsafe moving out. Being independent in Delhi comes with a payment we make in terms of security & safety. As I travel around the country and the world, I have seen a funny side of my parents... They wont mind me out of hotel in Singapore late at night even if I am alone but will mind me not coming back at 8pm in Delhi, even when I am with my friends. I dont blame them.. afterall, we all know how many crimes against women take place in the city.. Its the most unsafe city of the country, being the capital town..and I feel ashamed of this fact! Apart from this, I think corrupt people all around trying to make money all the time make me realize that somewhere down the line, its impacting me as an individual unknowingly. I realize that as a Delhi ki Ladki, I too sometimes try to find ways out to get to certain points instead of following the general trend or route. And this side of me, makes me feel even worse about my life in Delhi..From the auto-wala to police-wala. from the thele-wala to a mall shop we find corrupt and unethical people all around trying to earn money in all wrong ways.. and this irritates me because in my struggle to find a way out, I end up becoming one of them..sometimes atleast. We have high pollution, ever rising population, huge traffic lines, irritated lives.. We are a city of unsafe, unknown troubles that can knock at our doors anytime. And, the irony is you dare not speak up because in this city we have criminals as the actual power-players.. You take panga and my god you land yourself in trouble..big trouble!

So do I hate Delhi? Do I dislike this part so much that the goodness of Delhi doesnt make much sense?? Honestly, the answer is unknown. The aura, magical aura that lies in the lanes of the city, nomatter how unsafe those lanes are..make me awww in for Delhi.. Its like that marijuana addiction which is harmful yet amazing..gives one a high.. Like they say.. U can take a Delhi-ite out of Delhi but you cant take Delhi out of a Delhi-ite! Such is the case with me.. because noomatter where I am..nomatter how much I crave to get out of the city every other week..nomatter how much I hate the fact that its so huge, takes time to travel around..I know..whereever I am..I am a Delhi ki Kudi..at heart & mind and in soul..

I will end by just saying a few lines I like in a song that makes me remind of Delhi whenever I am traveling outside Delhi.. "Mai Jahan rahoon..Mai kahin bhi hoon.. Teri yaad saath hai...Kisi se kahun, ya nahi kahun..ye jo dil ki baat hai.."

Delhi after all is masti hai mastano ki..gali hai deewanon ki Dilli..Thats why..I say.. I hate it like I love it!

(Special thanks to my friends settled outside Delhi- India or abroad always crying their heart out for their Love for the city..Guys! If you miss it so much, come back ..or you too suffer from what I call a Love-Hate relationship??)

Are you undergoing PMS?

One of the irony of my life has been that studying in a all girls college in Delhi University for my under grads, grads and now my PhD makes people believe that I am a feminist. The difficulty is that people didn't see that I was one before I entered college and that coming in this college made me more sober in terms of my feminism. In my second years when I was studying a course in Women Studies and Concerns, I realized that Feminism wont help this nation achieve anything in terms of women's rights. If Gender equality has to be achieved, what this nation needs is more of a gender-ed approach rather than pro-women!

Well, why am I telling you these things? The story goes like this.. Over the past few years, months and weeks I have come across some very funny people who love tagging any irrational (for them) behaviour that a woman shows as her biological imbalance phase. To speak of it openly, PMS is a national debate now. Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) as we all have believed over the years has affected many women in various ways. Its just that a week before her menstrual cycle ends, she undergoes strong emotional changes, becomes cranky and if old traditional books are to be believed, turns into a witch!! (REALLY??)

I think, our cultures have been all over the world propagating this idea since centuries and after science proved that hormonal changes do impact her, it has been a label that has many women even more cranky. I for instance, have over the years believed that I not only undergo Pre syndrome but also Post! And even as many men out there haven't told me or questioned me if I am undergoing PMS, I know that has been in their minds as they saw me being angry or irritated. I, now believe its more of a psychological things rather than hormonal. This conclusion of myn comes from the fact that I have spent many so-called- PMS-weeks without any emotional drama attached to them!

Lately, while reading a novel called "Can Love Happen Twice", I came across a similar instance where the author describes this phase of his girl friend's life in a very interesting yet comical manner. Initially for me it was really funny but then a thought came across my mind. While he described it to be a phase where every boyfriend turns more of a pet (if he really loves her! HAHA).. where he needs safety measures of she will go crazy and things will mess up.. I understood the interesting thing that goes inside the male mind as they tend to ignore what a woman feels or says or rationally explains too in this phase by tagging a week of her month as some stupid PMS time..Do you really think that all a woman or girl speaks or does during this phase, is irrational???

A sudden thinking process in the evening of my funny little brain brought out a new definition of PMS to me.. I have after few hours and days of thinking and analyzing male behavior patterns come down to the conclusion that HELLO!! Its not just we who suffer from PMS, you do too... for men, as I should define, this PMS can be elaborated as Permanent Masculinity Syndrome! While we women at one side turn cranky and irrational just one week a month (as described by men and stupid biology scientists), men on the other side suffer from loads of ego that is an impact of them realizing their masculinity! In India, PMS (for men) is even more stronger. And I am not kidding as am sure many women will agree with my theory! You find men getting irritated if don't do what they want you to do, if you explain your diversions from typically tagged women-behavior, if you rebel and if you divert from any society-termed-appropriate behavior.

Well well.. In today's scenario, most women rebel, most women divert from typical behavior patterns and say NO to what they want their approval on. In such a situation, men get cranky, irritated, irrational (for us) and become (if my theory is to be agreed on) a monster!! So.. if you agree with the theory, have men around in whom you do see this behavior (not once a month but anytime, anywhere, anyhow).. then the next time a man asks you "Are you undergoing PMS?", just answer with a smile, and nod that "Yes, I am... and so are you..while myn will be fine in few days, you my friend are in trouble coz your PMS is for lifetime..may you recover soon!"

(If my friends are to be believed I am a feminist..but if you agree that we need gender equal tagging as well.. you agree with me..and you agree that I am a simple human being who wants men and women to have equal status.. if we are witches once a month, you are a monster whole of your life honey!... )

Sometimes in life we have to stand up..

How far have to ever gone to make people realize that they are wrong in saying what they just said and that you are not going to take any shyt from them anymore?? What was the reaction of people around you? Am sure, if you are in a professional world, most of the times you would have been left isolated..Well..that's because you live in a world where very few people actually stand up and say what they believe in firmly.. reality as we all know is soo hard to digest..

I am so many times surrounded by people who belong to the majority category of "Oh-this-should-not-be-said-otherwise-u-know-what-will-happen".. I am as new to this world as a 2 year old is to school.. for me its totally unexplainable..I mean it was funny to me initially to see how even highly opinionated people stood in front of their bosses as numb about their opinions and feelings as they can be just to save their ass from being sacked or thrashed.. slowly it became frustrating as I saw that the number of such people getting bigger day by day, hour by hour.. Herein, I have today come down to the conclusion that there is no point getting frustrated over this.. Its not a battle worth fighting for.. Its all how it will be.. or maybe there is still this little hope in me and faith in future that makes me believe that the world (professional) will be a better place to work in someday..

But the key is that we dont loose ourselves in this whole "i-am-the-only-true-weirdo" battle.. Its the reverse of one stale apple in a bag full of fresh ones.. And actually its more difficult and happens more faster where in the influence of such people around is so huge that one doesn't even realise when they turn like them.. a moron to be precise..

But sometimes..I feel its important to step up and say what we feel.. Some recent past happenings have made me realise that its highly crucial to speak up.. even when people around you feel that you are being brash or they have this"oh-how-can-u" look on their faces when you actually speak up.. It releases you from this bag full of shyt that you have been taking from people around you..the art however is to make this process happen in the most smooth and stylized manner possible..

Sugarcoating is an art which I believe people like me lack the most.. and so, till the day I learn sugarcoating..am happy being brash and standing up for what I believe is right or wrong.. Well..hope that did make some sense!

Will you marry me?

Well.. Indian wedding and marriage world is one hell of a rollar coaster ride.. honestly.. its a hush hush scenario till a groom-bride is finalized and one hell of a blah-blah syndrome once the wedding is fixed..Its a business.. a religious cultural social and for me hysterical business!! "I am an Indian Girl".. I mean doesnt that say it all?? It does!! It totally does.. being born in a Hindu Upper Middle Class Brahmin Family, and that too as a girl..one should expect me to be this "Let-my-parents-decide" stuff for me kinds.. and trust me, in the wedding scenario it kind of is..with a bit of tweeks here and there..

Its a man's world..I am a feminist born in a stereotypical pro man family.. and in my 24 years journey in my ancestral family I have tried my best to change a lot of the things ingrained in the roots of our hindu brahmin culture..a few of which I have changed too, of which I am proud about.. atleast the fact that noone in my whole huge paternal and maternal family ever speaks ill of womanhood and being a girl in front of me is a huge achievement I am so proud of...so proud of that I wish I could write it up in my professional CV :)

But..the irony is that when it comes to marriage I find myself lost in this chaotic world around me.. My feelings for relationships are as weird as my concept about marriage.. its not that I dont wanna marry.. I surely wanna marry someday, but what makes marriage so difficult for me is my observation of both arranged as well as love marriages around me..The world is changing, more and more people are getting open with the concept of intercaste marriage..but as that is happening, its interesting to see that the number of divorce rates and unhappy married people is also going up.. I am a researcher, a PhD scholar.. and my questioning skills aren't restricted to my profession.. I question everything around me and the sanctity of wedlock and marriage is something I question everyday, given the fact I am in the "so-called-marriageable" age!! phew!!

I believe, atleast for a start, that relationships should be simple and they are till the time the human beings involved are making an attempt to keep it simple. I mean you haveto make an effort to stay together given the fact that today the scenario is very different from ancient times when patriarchal influence was so high that women never opened their mouths and silently followed what was told to them. Today, with changing times, globalization, information explosion and rising literacy levels, women have become more knowledgeable and have started questioning old customs and traditions that were imposed on them by their families and societies and created by some alien bodies they had never seen. Today, women know their rights, they work and get paid for the work too, they do what they want to, eat what they feel like and wear what they find suitable for themselves, atleast the ones living in knowledge driven urban setups of the country I live in..where, still 73% of the women are living in ancient times...though, I must insist that scenario is fast changing even in rural parts of the country..

So, anyways, the point is that yes, to keep a relationship going between two head strong, educated and opinionated individuals, what is crucial is that each one understand the fact that they are humans and mistakes are possible and so mutual understanding and cooperation with each other to get through each others good and bad is important key to successful life together. I am no "queen-of-relationships" or "agony-aunt" here..My observation of people around me has made me come down to the theory that majority of the problems in relationships are a result of unexplainable expectations from each other, forgetting that to err is human..

And for that matter, marriage to me is right now forced idea. What do people in our families, our funny relatives, auntys and uncles mean by saying "Now is the time for you to get married beta!".. I mean, its my life and I will decide what time is it now..and honestly, I am 24 year old adult who if can travel all around the world alone, who if can work in rural parts of the country bringing about small changes in situations of women, who if can do a PhD, can decide when and to whom she wants to marry. And till the time that happens, i.e. decides what she wants out of a partner, how he should be and whats the right time to start a family, she should not be told "Beta, whats wrong?? You dont wanna get married?? Age is not going to be on your side then if any further delay happens.." Uncle ji, who has seen the future? noone and so, please dont tell me what my life will be just by the heavy baggage of experience you carry with you, half of which is what you wanted to see and not what the truth was..

I have a lovely set of parents..they have apart from the fact that they had three daughters and no son and were reminded of this fact many times by the society..given me a kind of education I am proud of.. everything that I ever wanted, every place I wanted to go..I was given a yes..definitely if the demands were realistic to be accepted.. and that, is what I adore about my life..I mean..I am in the middle..not too restricted or too liberal..and that has shaped my thinking in a very pro-me yet pro-family manner. That however is one the reasons I believe I am going through a lot of confusion in this stage where I dont know what to choose between my own self and my family wishes.. maybe a good amalgamation will help..with respect to marriage..

So.. my views on marriage and relationships are pretty simple. I remember what I had asked my "Women and Gender Studies" teacher in my second year of graduation.."Is it important to marry?"..to which she had replied.."No it is not.. and Yes you should marry for companionship..but remember, marry when you feel its the right time and right person..marry when you want to.." I think relationships and marriage should happen when we feel its right time and trust me when its right, you know it. And its not that we might not end up getting hurt or going through a broken relationship..we can..afterall..rights and wrongs are not forever, they change and so the chances of having a good or bad relationship totally depend on two factors: 1. On US..if we wanna make it happen and 2. on destiny, the small part of me still believes that the supreme power always plans things for us..in a better way then we can.. And these two factors have to go side by side..It has to be a 50-50% of each..for success to happen here, 100% of both is required and while the one 50% isnt in our hands, we should make an effort to make the 50% in our hands work strong...but to err is human and we are mere human souls..mistakes and follies are possible and so..should be forgiven sometimes..

So..till the time I feel I can see the right soulmate in the person..with his wrongs and rights..with mistakes and good points..dear Uncle and Auntys of the world, I humanly ignore what you say to me and my parents day and night about my prospects on marriage.. thank you for the concern and its much appreciated but as excess of anything is harmful, so is the excess of your concern. Work on your life, give me peace... I respect you guys for the concern and please keep it minimal in order to keep the respect intact.. for me, my parents are important and they matter as much as my own feelings.. and I will make this relationship with my parents work by mutual understanding with them given the fact that you dont put your nose in it..

I will marry or get in a relationship but right now I am single..and i like it this way.. and I wont get into a relationship just because you say I should..I am not waiting around for a man to save me..because I am happy where I am..and this doesnt mean I will or wont..I am just free to make up my mind!! I am the new Indian Girl..Deal with it!

Ahoy! Ahan! Oh Yeah!

You just know things are going crazy when you sit around silent inside and everything around seems going round and round. Definitely not doped or drunk, but the reality is that either you are entering or have entered that stage of your life when everything is confusing, so-not-simple, messy and boggling.. when everyone around looks like one mad human saying some random shyt you either don't understand or maybe you just don't wanna give it a thought..presently am in that stage..

A girl, oops woman.. going to turn 25 soon.. I almost find myself randomly thinking about the same things everyday..with new twists and turns.. having had three blogs earlier with pseudo names and random politically correct stuff posted on it, I am today..ready to speak my heart out, type my mind down and hold my head high and punch reality in your face! Ahoy! In your face!!

So.. dunno where I was..but here I am!