सोये रहोगे कब तक

कौन रोक पायेगा उस ज्वाला को
जो शुरू हुई थी एक चिंगारी कि तरह
पर चली है आज जलाने को यह दुनिया
किये बिना किसी रीती रिवाज़ कि परवाह

कौन रोक पायेगा उस तूफानी नदी को
जो शुरू हुई थी एक हिमनद के ज़रिये
पर आज चली है तबाह करने
पितृसत्ता कि खोखली जड़ों को

कौन रोक पायेगा उस चक्रवात को
जो शुरू था हवा के झोंके से
पर आज चली है मिटाने लिंग भेद को
लोक सत्ता का सही मतलब बताने

कौन रोक पायेगा, कौन रोक पायेगा
जब शुरू हो जायेगा एक परिवर्तन इस भ्रमांड में
जब जाग जायेगी हर वो सोई भावना
बदल जायेगी हर प्रथा, हर रसम

शुरू हो चुकी है यह कहानी
शायद अभी नहीं सुनी है तुमने
जब चलेगा संपूर्ण बदलाव का चक्र
सोये नहीं रेह पाओगे

Beauty, Botox and Breasts: Who Defines Perfection?

A few weeks ago I had come across a news report on a man who sued his ‘beautiful’ wife for producing a really ‘ugly’ daughter and came to know during court trials that his wife was all Botox beauty. Artificially enhanced that all her looks were, she had not informed the husband on any of the procedures she had undergone to become what she was. The statement that really struck me in the news report was how he called their daughter, ‘so ugly –hard to even look at’. And while the proceedings of the court took place, the reality was revealed and he won the case.

On the other hand, just few days ago I saw this video clip where it was shown how technology is being used since years to show women’s bodies as perfect (defined as one with no bulges, no stretch marks, no freckles). The video brought out how media and photography have shaped the images of women in my head, many of which are not even real i.e. software enhanced to suit the eye and made appealing. The reality is that these are what are termed as ‘acceptable’ now, with women and men craving for ‘size zero’ and ‘perfect model-like’ bodies, some even dying in the process of aiming to achieve this perfection.

These two very different but linked stories made me wonder on the concepts of ‘defining’ the words that surround our world; words like beauty, perfection, fair, flawless…so many definitions surround our world and while every day women crave to be called ‘beautiful’, I wonder what reason makes one crave for appreciation with respect to looks. The sudden explosion of beauty clinics (parlours too) makes me question the hidden emotion even more. It is not that I am not one of their customers but then where does one stop and label it as enough?

Let’s not even get started on concepts ofFairness and Flawlessness. Media, Marketing, Movies.. these three seem to have ruled the imaging process of women, in their own eyes (more than in the eyes of their male counterparts). Let’s start with Movies first. Be it any film industry anywhere in the world, the imaging process has been huge (and we talk with respect to looks here). Dark is not beautiful, fair is in. Those perfect bodies, perfect curves, sexy toned legs are more looked at by men, winning the hearts of the heros rather than the heavier ones with stretch marks or a scratch on her face. We all know how today female actresses a little on the heavy side are shunned by the industry, made fun of by the media. Vidya Balan and Sonakshi Sinha are breaking these stereotypes but Madhuri Dixit and Sridevi are looking at things like Botox for making their beauty last. Believe it or not, freckles are being frowned upon and those who can afford it are rushing to clinics to get themselves looking like timeless classics. Size C is more acceptable than a size A, don’t worry- get breast implants. On the hand while I say this, I know it’s a very personal choice but as we go back to the start of this article, it is nowhere bringing women closer to reality..

Media and Marketing go hand in hand. While we all look at those toned bodies endorsing male shaving products and get seduced by the fragrance of male deodorants, we wonder if this works in real life. While it has been creating a sexual image of women since ages, what I see is that for women it has the psychological effect of them disliking their reality and trying to achieve what is being depicted. Many waste a major chunk of their lives living these lies, trying to be what they are not. Using technological knives and tools to enhance pictures and then showcasing it as reality for the masses, makeup and technological makeup create an illusion that is way different from the truth. Being fit is important but becoming anorexic, injecting our bodies with chemicals just to look picture perfect is going a little overboard. As I said earlier, where do we stop?

Our media is funny. We talk about how a particular actress looks too bloated after pregnancy, how another one looks like she is on a no-food diet. The media creates images which look perfect. We forget that nobody can be the same and that bodies vary biologically, genetically and psychologically. Our matrimonial ads showcase this gruesome reality – how fair, slim and tall is all that is acceptable. Looks matter more than the person. And in our struggle to achieve those perfect images, the essence of life is somewhere lost.

I don’t know what is right for everyone. I know that drawing a line is very crucial. I know everybody cannot have a 36-24-36 figure and neither can everybody have the same face they had at 25 at the age of 40. In our struggles to achieve those, what is happening is that we are shaping coming generations with the values of ‘looks’ and not ‘depth’.

Botox, Beauty and Boobs are not synonymous. Valuing this statement is very important. We all know beauty is in the brain, and beauty is being natural, but do we really follow that? The anxiety of appealing physically to others and most importantly, the self, has made women insecure, unsure and too dependent on artificial enhancements. I know that these thoughts vary from one to another but for me, being comfortable in my own self, imperfect body, freckled face is what perfection is all about. Ageing is reality, and we need to cherish that. It is just how we see it. Isn’t it?

This article was originally published on Women's Web at: http://www.womensweb.in/2014/01/women-quest-for-perfection/

And She Lived.. Happily Ever After

“In a land, far far away lived a princess with long silky hair and beautiful gleaming eyes, dreaming that one fine day the man of her dreams will come and woo her off her feet, sway.”

She recalled this line that was printed in her head since childhood, thanks to the numerous fairy tales she had slept hearing to as a child. As a girl who has learnt to do everything by herself, a line like that should not make much of a sense. Right?

From the fairy tales as she moved on to a not so fairy tale life, she realized how much she had been torturing herself by bearing the burden of these words. She was beaten, abused, verbally and physically. Yet she stood strong because she remembered the lines from the grandmother’s story she had heard as a little girl. “When a girl marries, she goes as a bride to the new house and comes out only when she dies.” Nothing made sense but her senses had ceased to function long back. Was it time for her to wipe these tales off her soul and listen to some new ones?

Looking at her one would often question how an educated, working young woman could be beaten black & blue, all her money taken away, and still love her husband so much? How was she bearing the torture, the horrendous crimes done upon her? Every time something inside her made her fight back, but the stories kept on coming back and logic kept on going away.

The charm of stories is that the moral and the ending are at times all we remember. She still had that torn out book from her childhood. She would often go back to it, re-read and pacify her soul, that this was a phase and would be over, and that a happily ever after would happen soon. How soon, was the biggest question?

Gleaming eyes turned into teary blue ones. Long silky hair became worn out ropes dragging her across the floor. The land far away was the land of living hell on earth. And her prince was not the prince, but the villain of the story. Could she have a happily ever after?

The story of her life originated from a story she had heard to live a happy life. But she soon became a story I tell for others to live happily ever after. We hear a lot of stories in our lives. We decide what we take out of them. For her, the fairy tale happy ending was all she wanted. She left the land hopeless and torn, may be to a land far far away.

For me, her story changed the way I looked at a fairy tale. Everyone’s life isn’t the same. And as I remember this story of hers, I have in mind hundred and thousand more to learn from. We tell ourselves stories in order to live, but sometimes we forget the whole purpose of life.

“The journey is more important than the ending.”

Action & Reaction: How would a woman react if she is the victim?

“I was around 20 years old, young and still in college. Starting to make up a career in Development Sector. The reason being the very passion towards people, equality and humanity, I knew I had chosen a path that would make me happy from my core. Little did I know, that there are predators waiting for girls like me to fall in the web of seduction? Little did I know that the career I was selecting for the reason that it was “all about humanity”, was in real as dirty as it can get.” she said. And all I had was questions in my head as I saw her tears roll down her red cheeks.  All I had were hazy images of men looking at my breasts as I spoke to them instead of talking to my face. All I had were the hazy voices in my ears on the many remarks I had heard walking down the lanes of villages in India. I realized, how every woman is at the same point, how everyone is scared to react and fight back.

The Tehelka debate and the presence of Sexual Harassment at work place has raised some very critical questions for all of us.  It is not something new. It has been happening. Hush-Hush as it may be, what the Tehelka issue has done is brought it into the open. Nobody can run away from the fact that it is not just the Media sector where this is happening. But I am not here talking about the issue. I believe it is important for us to discuss why and how has this act affected the victim, and many more victims who have gone through the same situation time and again, only that they never gathered the courage to come and speak out in public.

The victim here, even being a journalist is finding it tough to survive the acquisitions and the torture after the original torturous act (RAPE). Her family is being threatened to step back, her emails are being circulated all over and her identity is out, so is her character being questioned. This reminds me of a movie dialogue where they said that a rape victim is raped multiple times at the court as she fights for her rights. That being a reality in India, social repercussions of her coming out and fighting for her rights are making her life miserable. Also, shunning many other women to speak up against the tortures happening with them, though promoting a few too initially. We have to accept the fact that here the victim is an educated women who knows her rights. Which is a rare thing in India where many a women have no clue about what they are not entitled to go through (read: Domestic Violence, Marital Rape etc). We also have to accept to the fact that reason why this case is so widely being discussed is because it involves a high profile Media Professional who has a history of reporting rights and wrongs. That being said, my question to myself is, will this be done if it is a case of a young dalit girl being abused by her employer in a village area? No right? How many times have we heard about a case from a local area in similar way? It’s a rare possibility for it to even come out as a news report in a newspaper column. And however irrational my debate here might sound, to me every woman is equal and needs protection and safety net developed, environment conducive enough for her to stand up for her rights.

On one hand while this is happening, on the other hand, we as a world are talking about 16 days of Activism for Violence Against Women (VAW).  The slogans “Color your world Orange” and “Stand for the cause of Violence Against Women” are all over everywhere. To me however, they make little sense, as it is only saying and no action. There are laws, there are systems, there are NGOs-National Commission for Women-UN etc. And while all these systems exist in India, the only place where we fail is our social structure. The fact that it would be a social disgust if a woman comes out and shares how she was violated, how her body was targeted makes it impossible for any commission, any NGO to function properly. Little done than said? The end result: ineffective and failed systems and policies.

Fast track courts and FIRs happen at a later stage i.e. once a woman has filed a case. What to me is a question is the point where a woman has to decide weather or not she will file the case or speak up? And that is the point where she thinks about the repercussions on her family, on her own future. And that is the point where I know that maximum women give up and happily live with the fact that there is no point fighting for it. She would fake a smile, be scared to travel yet do it, look at every colleague and employer with suspicion while she dresses to avoid any direct attack on her (because society thinks its to do with dressing).

And while I discuss this, lets go back to where we started. The story of it happening in Development Sector tells us how Action isn’t present even in the place where much is being talked about it. If a place that talks about action is a ground for such activities to happen, how do you expect a woman to react? How do you expect a woman to fight back? What will she do if the very people who are supposed to be helping her fight back are the ones doing the crime? When is it that enough is enough?

With all this and many more thoughts in my head, I sleep to wake up with hope that things would be better. But will they be if we don’t start the process at home itself? Will policies be effective if our judicial system fails to recognize the severity of the crime, the prevelance and so something strong about it rather than making the victim’s character societally raped by many a multiple times? Will it happen unless families of the criminal stop protecting them from it? Will it happen until we start doing what we preach & teach to all?

Be the change? Yes, very inspirational. But how far can one survive? Do we have positive stories to learn from? I am as clueless as any woman but I know that if things have to change, this is the time. Or its never going to happen. Support the victims around you, save yourself from becoming one, fight for every woman who faces this because it’s a Global cause and not just “her”story.