“I was a girl, now I am a woman, I came alone, I die alone.
People cried when I was born, when I die none will mourn.”
_________
Antim, 13 years old had not eaten properly
since years. After all, she was a girl.
When she was born, the whole community had cried. Not tears of joy but
of pain. After the torturous nine months that her mother had gone through, all
everyone was expecting was to see the baby that would carry the family name
ahead, bring joy to the community where having a baby girl was a sin. And when
she came in, not only did the family-friends cried, the mother who had borne
her in her uterus cried, from both her heart and her body. She was that’s why
named Antim, which meant, the last one.
Her mother conceived almost as soon as she
could again. And when her brother was born, that was the end of any happiness
she could have seen in this world where patriarchy was the only rule that
prevailed. While the whole crowd around her danced in joy, the pain she will
have to go through was right in front of her, waiting to grab her like a demon.
As she grew, she remained aloof of the basic joys of life: freedom, food and
family. At 13, when she started menstruating for the first time, as confused as
she was of the changes that were happening to her, she was unaware of the fact
that now, the burden of being a woman had grabbed her, a burden she would have
to deal with a smile on her face. No proper nutrition, thousand rules to abide
by, and unaware of what she could have been, she was being trained to become a
woman, a woman who her mother was, her grandmother was and may be her baby girl
will be later.
Menstruation
is a phenomenon that changes everything for a girl. As she dwindles with the
body and emotional changes that happen to her, she is forced to take it as a
curse instead of a blessing. On one hand where she can see her body change, on
the other she sees how her curious mind is shut forever. Neither does her
mother tell her what to do, nor does anybody else. Hygiene, nutrition, puberty,
sex education are topics that are dusted under the carpet. As she grows, she
realizes that she must have done sins to be born a woman.
______________
Suman, 23 years old sits beside me as we
discuss the issues women face in the community. A look at her is enough to
understand that though she smiles, she is empty inside. A mother to three
girls, she has recently gone through her third abortion. In her six years of
marriage, she has been pregnant almost always. With an expressionless face, she
explains that somewhere women are born to live a life this way. The purpose of
a woman coming on this earth is only to reproduce and so what she was going through
seemed to her like a duty. Desires somewhere had died long ago, or maybe never
existed at all.
She was married when she was 17 years old. A
case of child marriage as she was, she had never seen her husband’s face, and
so marriage was just another duty. In a small yet rich town of the most
prosperous state of India, she came to her in-laws knowing the duties she was
entitled to do. One of which was satisfying her husband in bed, another one
being giving the family the heir, male heir. On one hand while she dwindled
with expectations of the family growing every day for her to produce a baby
boy, she was being cursed every day for failing to deliver. And so, one
abortion after another she was loosing faith in her being able to fulfill her
duty, failing to be the ideal woman she was defined to be since childhood.
Droopy eyes with dark circles around, she was pregnant this time too and scared
because soon she had to go through an ultrasound examination to know the sex of
the baby. Little she know, its not she who defined the sex of the baby,
biologically. Suman as she was proudly
named, which means a flower, had no meaning in her life because she wasn’t
aware what blooming was all about.
Issues of Family Planning go
way beyond the number of babies. It encompasses the awareness of contraception,
rights to make that choice on using one, it entails the issues of Maternal and
childcare, it entails patriarchy and control over bodies, involves issues of
infection, HIV and Violence Against Women. It’s much more than contraception
and incentives to get vasectomy or birth control. The fact that even today women simply fail to
say NO to their husbands and family pressures go beyond any government scheme
or incentives given. The issue remains, of dialogue to move beyond ego issues
of males related to condoms, of asking instead of forcing to have sex and
reproduce.
_____________
Banwari, 55 years sat next to her
granddaughter telling her how to cook as her mother went on the farm. She is
greeted by the Nurse from the nearby Local health Clinic set up by the
government asking her about the injection schedule for the baby boy just born.
During the few minutes of conversation, she is tempted to ask her about the
changes that she has been undergoing. She had been trying to ask her since
months and so, after a lot of courage she shares her troubles. She goes on and
describes a series of symptoms that she has been going through. Her knees have
started to pain, she is having uneven periods.. the nurse tells her about
Menopause but tries to explain to her how she should get herself tested for
once. She shuns the idea, takes it as normal and shows her the door.
After two more months of pain and trouble,
she wonders if she should have got those tests done. The local ayurveda doctor
medicines didn’t work, neither did the priests prayers. The local community
radio channel playing on the radio beside her grandson who lies there playing
on the cot has the reporter discussing a similar problem. She is hesitant to
discuss the issue with anyone, but after a lot of thinking she finally gathers
the courage to call the doctor on the call-in show, happy that she isn’t sitting
face to face with him. Being retold to get herself examined, she wonders if it
was time to see a doctor.. silently, she gets back to her work. She looks at
her grand daughter, maybe she sees in her a reflection of her own past. Named
after Lord Krishna himself, she must show courage to handle all her pains.
While
Menopause is a natural phenomenon, cervical cancers have been on a rise in the
country of India. The fact that a woman would think a hundred times before she
sees a doctor for a ‘personal’ problem that should not be spoken about to
anyone, makes it evident that screening is slower even after awareness. Even
today, when it comes to issues related to Maternal Health, Personal hygiene and
Feminine care, women in rural India are just not ready to voice out their
concerns, their fears. The will live in pain, as they have been trained to but
never speak out, thereby remain voiceless.
_____________
These
Three stories connect to the Culture of silence in India. Keep aside men. Keep
aside social rituals. The fact that even a woman cannot easily talk to a woman
about her troubles and get empathy in return makes it evident that even after
65 years of independence, women are crippled by social customs and age-old
traditions to a level where they wont speak their desires out. Though systems
of support outside family exist, the fact that the first connection should
happen at home leaves them helpless. The culture of silence on issues of
Menstruation, Maternal Health and Menopause have been there since ever,
especially in Northern part of India. These three make women feel burdened of
living and while she had faced the same in her childhood, she doesn’t easily
take a step to fight for her daughter or daughter-in-law.
Privacy
is good. But sometimes issues like these that are of common good, women good,
need to be spoken out loud. “We tell ourselves stories in order to live” was a
strong statement that Joan
Didion had given long time ago. Such stories of pain and sorrow need to be
spoken out loud in order to motivate women not to face troubles with a smile,
but to voice out the issues they face, the pains they go through, the fears
they live with.
What is the starting point?
“Starting a dialogue, maybe”
