“The struggle exists, at every level”, said a friend to me.
And there began my quest to get into his shoes and
understand what is going on in the man’s mind. Now, Lets be honest. Everyone
thinks its hard to decipher a woman’s mind but I must tell you its no joke for
a woman to understand what goes in a man’s head too. A lot of books have been
written to understand the opposite gender (not sex) but to me this particular
instance with a friend threw a lot of light on this aspect being never
discussed.
Confused? Well. Lets reverse the story a little. I have a
lot of friends who are getting into the “married” tag and during a discussion
with one of my friend who is planning to get married too I realized that need
for a daughter-in-law is often being challenged by the need for a wife. With
the changing times (haha! Women stepping out for work), a man finds himself
being questioned at every level just like a woman does. A lot of articles have
talked about how the dual burden on women is taking a toll on them, on how
women are out there taking the lead while handling homes too, on how women
often are mistaken and how men need to be more supportive and help empower the
gender and participate in creating a gender balanced society but I have nowhere
read what issues a man faces at this point where on one hand he is trying to do
what he has been told he was born for (support his parents) and on the same
level have a wife who has an opinion., for whom her choices and points of view
matter.
My recent stints with a lot of friends (males) who are
planning to get married made me realize that they want a wife who has limited
exposure. And while I question this very point of view, I recently realized
that the problem is very much in upbringing. I mean, imagine this: a son is
born in a family after two daughters and he has been pampered like he is some
God. Since childhood he has been taught that he has to take care of the family
and he is also given the best of education at the best of B-schools in
India/abroad. While he gets a job, he meets this amazing colleague who is
gorgeous, has a strong opinion and knows how to take the lead. He likes her,
but what are the chances that he will marry her? The debate is not weather the
girl will do household chores or not. The debate is that for him, getting a
wife who knows her rights well into a house where girls are not even considered
as humans brings him to a point where at every level he reconsiders his
choices, his likes and his future.
And believe me, there are many men out there who question
this every time they think about future. Its not that women who are homemakers
aren’t being questioned, but those who are aware definitely need more energy to
be molded. The debate is, does he want a girl who will be the ideal bahu or does he want an amazing wife.
And while chances are that many women will end up being both, there is a strong
chance that he fails in what he decides leading to an unhappy married life, a
daily drama.
I write this article as a woman who is a strong supporter of
gender balance. I have grown up from being a daughter to a rebel to feminist to
a human rights activist. And, trust me, I know there is a thin line between
adjustment and sacrifice in marriage, I very well know that the lines are often
crossed by both the partners in order to make it work.
So, as a man, if I find myself at a point where I need to
balance the beta and pati angles in my life, I know I will be
as confused as any woman will be struggling to find her stand in the debate.
And this, today has reached a point where the very sanctity of marriage is
being questioned because nobody of the two partners seem to find their stand to
it.
I give it to the Indian society again which has raised sons
and daughters in a way where they have to obey their elders rather for standing
up for what they feel is right, logically. I mean, I know truth is very
situational and right is very personal but I don’t think that our culture or
society has anyway succeeded in raising their children to be logical. We do what our parents will like, our inlaws
will appreciate and society wont consider as alien. And while we have our
exceptions, a majority of us still dwindle with this ‘what to do’ wrt marriage.
Currently, a lot of my male friends are also married. And I
know how they dwindle with the saas-bahu drama. I know that they married these
enterprising young women because they wanted to and now the only debate is the
imbalance in personal life, the son-husband sides are creating havoc in their
lives. I also know a lot of men who are planning to get married and when they
look at this situation, they are scared rather than prepared for the future
they will have as choices vs duties situations pop out.
Do I have an advice? No. Do I have an ending to this thought
of mine? No. Do I see a root problem? Yes. But can we solve it? Maybe. Stepping
in a man’s shoes (haha! This time literally) I realized that there are a lot of
struggles that even a man goes through that make him question his choices vs
his duties. But at the end what is important? Happiness? Peace? Pick your
choice, have a decision, you might fail but then atleast you will be satisfied
that it was your decision. Finding happiness after all, which is a state of
mind, isn’t that easy.
May God Bless all the men around!
This post was originally posted on Women's Web (the online women magazine) at http://www.womensweb.in/2013/10/what-men-want-from-marriage/
