Under the Sheets: Hidden Realities & Hypocrisy of Indian Society

It really pains my heart to pen down why I consider the Present Indian Social situation is quite a bottom rock. The Media seems to be flooded with such interesting yet shameful cases that present a very shitty face of India to the world. On one hand while we brought out the Spiritual Baba & Sex Scandal out in open, on the other hand we saw the real pervert face of somebody who used to advocate the cause of women empowerment, the cause of right & wrong. On one hand we are taking about the judgment where parents were charged of killing their own daughter, on the other hand the Supreme Court comes out with a verdict where Homosexuality and Gay Sex is termed as Illegal. As a youth of this country, what does this reflect?

We have since ages been a country of hypocrites. While we are the land where the Kamasutra originated, we have ever since shunned the idea of taking about sex openly, terming it as a “Western” concept. We as Politicians are corrupt while point fingers at the other candidates, framing them in wrong cases just to gain power ourselves. We as Media professionals show the true colors of people while holding mirrors in front of their faces, talking about how the country is facing crime, power & politics overdose while on the other hand, we ourselves are involved in sexual harassment at work place (read Tehelka debate), corruption and power overdose (read Nira Radia- 3G case) and money mafia (Read Zee TV and JSPL Debate). We as society and traditional propagators talk about sanctity of women, preaching baba’s and swami’s bringing to us the do’s and don’ts of every gender while we use minor girls as sex objects, eat money from influential people to build lavish palaces as we show the world how gyani and sant we are. We as an economy talk about the rising jobs, employment rates, new enterprises coming up where we as a developing nation fail to fulfill the global agenda of Child & Maternal Mortality Rate, Female Foeticide, Violence Against women and even the basic issues of Nutrition & Hunger. What does this reflect?

As a young woman in Development Sector, to me this is a shameful reality I fail to answer every single time I look in the eyes of a woman from another nation questioning me why my land is great. This is the face of Indian Society where what we preach and what we teach vary. Where we talk about roots and age old cultural values but fail to deliver the Right, based on equality and justice. Where we blame the western media and over influence of Internet, porn and global world for the rising crimes against women but fail to reflect and see the fact that Violence has always existed in the society, unreported as it was its out in open now. Where we talk about change but fear it at the same time. What does this reflect?

Hidden under the sheets lie the realities of our roots and the fruits that we are bearing today. Can we talk about behavior change unless we change the very nature the system works? Who is accountable? As a youth who is clueless in a country like this isn’t going abroad a better option than trying to mend the rusted skeleton of the Indian Society? I can’t blame people for going out and abusing the country for being useless, but am I the youth who is ready to make that change? Are you the one who is ready to unveil the very reality of your own self? Time for change, but will it happen till we act like hypocrites?

Picture Courtesy: Self

As I drive, around (my) city

Delhi oh Delhi, 

You are a pain in my belly

With traffic as high as the crime 

I can't love u anymore, not this time 

I feel like running away from the maddening crowd, 

It's so polluted, it's so loud 

I don't even know why I m here till now, 

I go n come back, back n forth I bow

People around r getting on my nerves, 

No sense of rules, all around pervs

Let's not even talk about the power game, 

No hard work pays fruit, what works is just the name 

I sing this painful abode as I drive back home, 

With men staring at me, people breaking rules, how can I calmly roam.. 

I dream of a place where life could b at peace, 

Where I could feel free, breathe at ease. 

With absolutely no words to end this painful tale, 

I take a leave, with a soul oh so pale..

Band, Baaja & Baraat!

With the most cliched and most used words as I start this post, I am in no mood to bring you the amazing fun that attending weddings can be. I am also in no mood at all to discuss any marriage related issue. As December progresses, weddings around are on a rise. Every year during this time, many people decide to take the "taken" road and therein, what comes as an effect to us the viewers/attendees is a series of get ready-reach-smile-eat and come backs!

I bring to you a personal issue I have been facing. And I see it as a very North-Indian Weddings problem. Having attended some 5 weddings and related events (Sagan, Sagai, Sangeet) recently, I realized how the business of weddings is troubling me as an individual. The D Day, should be the day of the Bride and the Groom and their families (close ones). Instead, the whole day is a social show-off day where everyone gets in their best-dramatic-shoes and acts all cranky and tries of put other off. Please keep in mind that the views here are totally personal and a result of personal experiences. Nothing, absolutely Nothing is exaggerated. Anyhow, lets go point by point here:

1. Oh-the-expenses: I have seen dowry, and then what I see today is a very new version to dowry. The 'BAND' here actually is the act of "Band Bajna" of the Bride's family. If not in cash (which is rare) then in the huge pandaal they have to set up and the feast they have to prepare for some 1500 people. The pre-wedding and wedding expenses are one of the reasons why wedding to me seems like an overrated affair. First comes the jewelry and the trousseau for the bride, the extended family & the groom. The insane gifts for all the ones attending with the crazy cash is next in line. If this wasn't enough, then the lawn-food-decorations burn a hole in the pocket (of both bride & groom if its shared, which is rare) and then after all that is done, 20-200 people still get up and speak shit about how the food wasn't good, the fruits weren't from foreign land, the smell of the carpet was killing and the AC wasn't functioning. Result: Mazaa nahi aaya (didn't enjoy)! Common, imagine what you have to hear if you spent some 1 crore on a party and people say they didn't enjoy it! Bahhh! I would be furious! And talking about how inflation is escalating these days, the amount is higher and higher depending on the expectations. 200 kinds of dishes, bride comes in a paalki, flower-shower as the var-mala happens, special silverware for dinner for bride-groom..the list is never ending. And as this happens, you still wonder why girls are looked up as burden? because even in this age when dowry is a crime, people are still expected (educated even more) to give gifts and cars and cash in weddings of their daughter, as if to give a daughter away wasn't enough!

2. Menace to society? Maybe: While I am personally a fan of weddings and the dancing, the chatting, getting glitzy ready, what to me is a pain is the wastage. Wastage of money- wastage of food- wastage of time (coming-going-sitting their waiting for the baaraat to come) is a never ending list! I have personally been to 5 weddings recently, non of which had the Groom appearing before 10 pm, while most of the guests who have arrived have started panicking. I understand its his day but trust me its not him who doesn't want to arrive early, its the crazy dancers who don't want to stop hitting Mother earth as the groom and bride becomes anxious every second wondering when will they get to see each other. The wastage of food that happens post wedding makes me angry on how much money goes down the bin just because families and society love show-off flashing of money. Imagine how many hungry people in the world could have been fed by the amount. Now I don't suggest everyone to donate their money saved for weddings to some charity, neither do i expect that, but just having a more well planned after wedding system might help feed many people around. Just saying!

3. Oh the Traffic: So this is how the day progresses, you start early just to reach on time and avoid traffic but are still caught in it. You wait 45 minutes on one single stretch of road wondering what to do and more so blaming yourself on why you said yes to attend the wedding, you reach the venue late and still find the baraat not their, you get anxious and cranky, no mood to chit-chat but still have to oblige people, reach home even later and sleep wondering gawd, its terrible to attend weddings in wedding season. You blame the world, family, and even the bride-groom for it, swear things won't be like this when u get married or your daughter does and yet- years later the same happens! Trust me when I say this is common! The never ending traffic on road and traffic in the mind that weddings come with are a stress reason strong enough for anyone to panic! And I have been a victim of both!

4. Social Obligations (Bull Shit!):  Get dressed, put on the best looks, smile and yack till everyone is tired. Some people enjoy it, some don't. To me, they are a social obligation I end up fulfilling unless its a close cousin or friend who is getting hitched. Meeting venue for people whom you haven't met in years or saw when you were little make you wonder how the world functions. I am not a social rebel but when it comes to being asked to guess who this uncle or that aunt is whom I had met when I was 2-4-6 year old is no fun to me. I don't like standing in a tight spot wondering why the hell I came to this distant cousins wedding where majority people I am not related to or know for that matter. And yes, having said that when you are single or studying or doing anything the world thinks is not a norm, the series of questions you are shot with are hilarious! Making you wonder why the hell do you have to go according to norm. Weddings after all are a place to make people uncomfortable and judge them till they give up! You can't afford to make an aunt or grandparent or bua-fufa-mama unhappy because you don't want any bad mouth happen. Result: you just smile and adjust!

5. Are the Bride & Groom Happy?:  The last but the most important thing that makes me dislike North Indian Weddings (I haven't visited a South Indian wedding but I think its pretty similar) is the fact that what should be a day for the couple, the one who are getting hitched becomes a day of everyone else except them. They are the ones who have butterflies in the stomach, literally panicking because they don't want anything to go wrong. The multiple chattering, the uncles doing drunk drama around, the annoyed and angry relatives who thought they weren't treated with respect, the anxious and over exhausted parents of the couple: with all of this around, neither do the bride and groom look happy nor at ease. Everyone wants a picture with them, but I know how mostly they aren't even aware who is getting clicked with them. The day that should be all about them ends up being a day for some 1500 people coming-eating-cribbing and going back. Worst if you are related to some high profile big shots celebs who come and take all the lime-light away from the couple. With cameras clicking and flashing lights, I feel sad for the couple! I am sure they look back at the day with smiles but its just sad at times because they all know it could have been better for them.

And as I pen down my mind here, I know that weddings are awesome! They are fun, they can be a pain but the whole jazz makes one look forward to it. I don't judge anyone who negates all the above and says they enjoyed their wedding too much, but I know deep down something or other had happened. I also know that while I would love a just my close-knit ones around me when I get hitched, the social obligations will make me a victim of the Band-Baaja-Baraat! Fingers crossed! A beach side, personal wedding would be a dream to have!

On a lighter note: Happy Married Life to all those whom I have paid a visit to this Winter! I hope you enjoyed every bit of it, though to me it was a tiring affair! Just to end on a fun note, here is a link to one of the funniest Wedding movie made in Indian Cinema! Its a fun dance bollywood style kickass number, so enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i94eL2W0V0

Stars above me, fire within me

I have this silent rage that makes me restless inside

On face I am calm, confident and carry a smile

I try to hide, I laugh it and keep it aside

It crawls back to me, tells me to sort otherwise it will pile.

The life in my city is super swift, super fast

The sound, the lights and the thousands of people around,

They make me feel lifeless, hollow and empty, alone in a land so vast

The happiness is lost somewhere or still hiding, waiting to be found.

As I leave the crowd, the silence in countryside calls me aloud

Tells me that these are my roots, the roots of my soul

Brings back my smile, my heart beat make a normal sound

Make me wonder relevance of my life in this world, question my role

On one side is this city with building oh so tall!

On the other side lies a sky with stars shining so bright

The artificial world around makes me feel so small

If I could run away from the city, I just always might!

But I know I miss the city after a certain point

Because that’s my life, where I belong

Live in the moment, the words echo from every joint

And with a smile and a solution I sing my lullaby song

Today I sleep, with a smile as thousands of stars blanket me

No lights around but still I shine so bright

They make me feel blessed, they make me feel free

With a wish that they stay with me forever, I hug them tight!

(Written during a visit to a small village in South India. Cheers to random thoughts keeping me alive)

"The Delhi Girl" Syndrome (Part 1)

Question: “Hey, where are you from?”

While I have been asked this question many a times at many places by a variety of people in a variety of manner, I am always quiet surprised by the kind of reaction my answer gets. There is something about Indians trying to know where the other person is from. And my answer to this question being “DELHI”, you should not be surprised, gets the most amazing and weirdest reactions.

The first time I experienced this in person was in 2009. Well, I had experienced it many a times before as well, but this was when I faced the reaction in person. Generally the situation in which this question had been popped on me was where my interaction with the person was only for a few minutes, typical places being airports, resorts, and railway stations etc. But in 2009 as I went on my first ever stay out of Delhi alone, I experienced and lived the tag of being a “Delhi Girl” for three whole months.

In the city of Patna when the people I was about to live my life with as a paying guest for next 3 months gave me a LOOK on my reply, I got the first shock of my life. I was 21 years old. And this being my first ever living outside Delhi (yes yes, I am born and brought up in Delhi) came as a shock to me. There was a sudden change in attitude towards me and everyone around was attempting to make me realize how much cooler they are. I was very confused. For start, I didn’t see any difference between me and them at all. Also, the confusion hailed from the fact that I failed to understand the logic of being from Delhi, and that too a “Delhi Girl” made me any different from the other team mate I had (except for the fact, she was from America, and a Korean by origin).

And there I was at 21 struggling with what difference does it make if I am from Delhi and here I am 26 writing this story from a small town in Himachal Pradesh still struggling with “Oh! You are a Delhi Girl” attitude. Nothing has changed in this regard while I have experienced the same reactions, even worse at various places. I am still confused and I still fail to understand what I should do about it.

Over the past 5 years, I have traveled. From Patna, to Singapore, to Ohio to Texas, Seattle, Orissa, Kolkata, Gujarat, Haryana, New York… cities and towns, villages and even smaller settlements. And my interactions with people in these places and their reactions to my being a “Delhi Girl” can be categorized in the following two kinds:

•        The Haters: I call the people in this category as the ones who look at Delhi with the eyes of envy. Typically educated and informed, they either want to be a part of Delhi or they simply cant understand why their cities cant be any cooler. I mean, I love Delhi, yes! But I think that does not negate the fact that every city has its own charm. But, coming back to these people. A lot of them are my friends by the way now. But they describe to me a very different version of how I see myself.  For them a girl from Delhi is a brat who not only over-shows how she is way cooler and knows everything but also has a sense of superiority, which lacks any knowledge. Basically, a girl who has no brains but thinks she has it all.  The situation is so worse at times that as soon as people hear me being from Delhi, they stop recognizing anything I do as authentic and having any substance. There is a sense of discomfort along with becoming blind and deaf to anything I do and being from Development sector, I find myself in worst situation. My personal experiences have made me hear things like these: “Oh, you are from Delhi, we should keep a distance”, “oh, Delhi..hmm..ok” “ohhhh, Delhi? Hahh” While gestures and actions speak louder then words, sometimes the words are strong enough to leave no stone unturned for me to get into an uncomfortable situation. 

•      The Lovers: These are those people who adore anybody who comes from Delhi. They welcome anyone with open arms after knowing they are from Delhi and always try to show how they are somewhere linked to Delhi. “Oh, my uncle’s aunt’s son’s daughter is living in Delhi (in reality: Gurgaon)”, “I have been to Delhi..(like some 8-10 years ago) etc.. and While they are surely adorable set of people, they also try to tell you how cooler they are. Sometimes, I have ended up getting marriage offers from this category people (they want someway get connected to Delhi).

I am personally, amused by both Lovers and Haters but it is the Haters who are more difficult to mold themselves and break the image they have of Delhi. They have developed a stereotype based on one or two girls from Delhi they have met in person (who, by the way are not even originally from Delhi but have studied in Delhi or something).. To be brutally honest, I have seen majority of girls around me also falling in this category and I realize that the image these people have build of girls from Delhi isn’t wrong totally. Stereotypes after all are built by experiences and they obviously have had their encounters with the typical Delhi girls (I hate that term, though, but still). Well, I struggle at times but the walls that are built around me based on my city make it difficult for me to function in my work life. It is a challenge I face every single time I am out of Delhi, in Orissa or even in Boston (I have an amazing Boston story to tell, but that for later).

I am breaking stereotypes and I like it. I am a Delhi girl but I am moldable, I am flexible in the kind of lifestyle I live and I owe my education and my upbringing at home for this. I also feel that a lot of girls from Delhi are like me but we are overshadowed by the ones who carry a good for nothing attitude. (I am not trying to demean anyone but this is the truth!!)

Success in changing attitude of people has been huge. I have made some great friends who have realized I am not even an inch of the image they carry in their heads and some of them love me for doing that. On the other hand, I thank them for opening my eyes to a whole new world of “how people see Delhi girls” and even “how I see Delhi girls”.. Yes, at times, they are dumb but in this era of movement and swiftness, we shouldn’t tag anyone based on the city they live in.

(Cheers to breaking stereotypes! I am in process of researching this whole issue and definitely, there are many angles to it.. Read later for more)

Loose roots or loose your roots

The old Banyan tree that stands on the corner of the road,

Tells me a story wise and untold.

The smell in the air and the soil on the ground seem familiar to me,

I feel glad standing there, I feel I can breathe, I feel free..

As I walk through the sides of the old village road,

The tree is intrigued to see my different expressions unfold.

On one side of the road leading to the village is a small house,

There sits a man, with his radio on and eyes shut,

His wife, the woman, mops the floor, cooks the food fast as a mouse,

That’s not a new story, a story of every home, house, hut.

But what amazes me is the other side,

With a big building some six floors tall and painted new

It’s a different world I see on a different kind of ride,

With women still the same, its too old yet different a view.

The big house is done, yet we are the same,

Clothes change, values don’t, rigid we are even if we get a new name.

I stand beside the years old tree and question myself how and why,

It’s mindboggling, with no answer even when too hard I try.

I realize as I touch the long stems turned roots of the tree,

Are we moving too fast or should we call it getting free.

A friend told me once that old values are rigid and they bind,

They delay progress acting as hurdles towards our goals.

I see them intact, I cant see the change how hard I try to find,

What has changed is the cover, when we wanted a change of roles.

People want multistory, they want big cars and assets all,

But the sad part remains, as life issues still crawl.

Women still run like the mice, they still are unsure

Is getting assets, TV and fridge the only cure?

Why are we loosing our community roots and turning towards cities,

The thought makes me panic, instead of creating any ease.

Who decides what values to keep and what assets to value more?

Who decides what will work, will sustain and who keeps the score?

Some say change is good, I agree

But what if change makes us more bound than making us free.

I see the tree and I wonder deep again,

Are these roots a symbol for strength and being on the ground?

Are we heading towards any gain or in for much more pain?

Are we on the right track or is it the destination we have found?

My mind flutters, the tree tries to ease me down,

“You think too much”, it says as I am about to frown.

The journey has just started and its heading towards a goal,

Everything will find a direction and yes, you will find your soul.

I look inside my heart, rootless and raw,

I feel a pain shoot up, its as if my two sides I just saw

One side of me that wants to still be on the ground,

The other side which is there is hollow yet flies around.

My mind and heart debate starts again as I try to question my life,

Black and white, good and bad, who decides which is the right side.

I close my eyes and let the sounds around fade away in air,

I feel soulless and its not fair.

But then, am just a bud waiting to spread my petals around,

My identity isn’t lost, its still yet to be found.

With questions in my mind and a heart filled with hope,

I begin my journey towards my work, I walk down with a smile down the slope!